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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So fucked off with organising everything

29 replies

Onedayinthesun · 18/07/2015 08:28

Been together 17 years, love on another but I'm increasing pissed off to be the one that always books the holiday, theatre, restaurants, date nights and anything remotely spontaneous Hmm

I would never leave the house if it wasn't me organising and booking nights out, day trips or holidays. I have tried to explain to DH that it would be nice for him to take the lead and although he promises to - never does. And it is starting to get on my fucking nerves. It makes me feel like he doesn't value time together with me, it makes me feel like he doesn't care enough to make an effort and to be honest it makes me feel like our relationship is Dull.
Confused

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 18/07/2015 08:32

That must be annoying.
I would be irritated too but I think it's really easy to get used to certain roles - I'm not sure it means he doesn't care, it may be habit and lack of imagination.
I would tell him it's upsetting you rather than just suggesting that you would like him to do it.

His being idle about it is not on but talk to him rather than getting upset.

Original poster
Onedayinthesun · 18/07/2015 08:36

Thing is Pag he is v. Capable of organising nights out with work, trips to the Rugby and his cycling hobby takes him out with his club for hours and hours per week. We have demanding careers, 2 DC and it would be nice for him to just make an effort. Even a lets go to the local for a drink would be nice. What's made me mad is for my birthday he said last night you book the table and hotel....yawn

OP posts:
Joysmum · 18/07/2015 08:39

I'm like you. I told me DH that the reason I organise stuff is that I like doing stuff, likewise with surprises because I would love to be surprised myself but nobody ever bothers.

He just saw me as very capable and better at that sort of thing than me, thought I enjoyed the role, and didn't see the issue.

I told him he was to organise something in a certain date for me and I didn't want to have any idea of what. He did, I was thrilled just as much by the effort he went to as to what he had organised.

He could see that and made more effort. It takes practice to change a dynamic and habit so required some directness from me and effort from him but we've reached a stage where he's thinking about days outs as much as I am Smile

Cabrinha · 18/07/2015 08:40

And what did you say at that point?
You know he knows how to book things.
What happens if you say, calmly but firmly "are you really suggesting I should organise my own birthday?"
Would he have the decency to be even slightly embarrassed?

ShebaShimmyShake · 18/07/2015 08:40

You need to talk to him. I'm absolutely certain this is not intentional and he sincerely doesn't realise you feel this way. Men often think of women as the social creatures (anyone else regularly have that experience where you meet another random couple, you and the other women start chatting like hens and the husbands just hang around looking awkward or bored?). The 'you book your birthday' thing is definitely annoying but I think it's likely he thinks he's being helpful because you know where you like and what you enjoy and he thinks he'll just mess it up if he chooses for you.

Have a chat with him. Explain that you know he doesn't intend it this way but that women really do like feeling like they are being 'taken out', and that doing a little research and booking of venues is one way to do this...that it feels a bit 'meh' if you have to do it all the time, especially for your birthday. I think he'll understand if you put it like that.

Original poster
Onedayinthesun · 18/07/2015 08:44

Cab I just looked at him shocked.I think if I said something it would have been a blazer...so I kept my mouth shut, went to bed hating him, now this morning I feel really angry. Because he is so used to letting me direct and sort everything he didn't think anything of it. I just feel resentful this morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onedayinthesun · 18/07/2015 08:47

Sheba because it has been like this for so long and I have tried so many times to get him to organise being together as a couple - and he never has. It does make me feel that it is a cant be arsed attitude and my perception is he just doesn't want to make any effort

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 18/07/2015 08:48

Oh that's horrible.
I'm sorry.
Is it just this issue? Because to be honest if you think you can't say anything to him without it being a huge row then it suggests it is part of a picture.

In normal circumstance I would suggest that you talk to him and tell him how upset you are that he is seriously suggesting that you book your own birthday. But would he respond ?

Original poster
Onedayinthesun · 18/07/2015 08:53

I think because this year I have gone on about doing more together, asking him to organise things and it hasn't happened and then feeling let down or neglected if he chooses to go out with friends rather than me - we have rowed about it before.
I have explained to him I do feel lonely sometimes because my life is filled with my career and my children and going out with him or being treated to a surprise trip to the pub or a meal out would make me feel he values time spent working on our relationship. I am a bit tearful pmt this week- but it's exhausting always being the organiser and gets boring

OP posts:
ICantDecideOnAUsername · 18/07/2015 08:57

I could have written this post. In the 15 or so years we've been together I've always been the one to organise and book nights/days out, restaurants and holidays. Like others have said I think he thinks he's being helpful and letting me book what I want but like you I find it really annoying and like he doesn't care. Im sure we'd ever go out or on holiday if I didn't suggest and organise it. Having said that he did book our anniversary meal but I had to suggest it.

ShebaShimmyShake · 18/07/2015 08:59

I'm sorry to hear that, Onedayinthesun. Does he know - as in, truly understand - that it makes you feel uncared for?

Original poster
Onedayinthesun · 18/07/2015 09:11

I have told him so many times....an example is I have booked the RSC today to spend the day in Stratford, have a meal and see the play....he has gone out early this morning on a bike round - said he'd be back in time to go, however has left me to sort the kids and the house out on my own and try and get ready as well. Just feel irritated beyond belief at the moment

OP posts:
Original poster
Onedayinthesun · 18/07/2015 09:13

I know there are bigger problems out there than mine, I promise you I'm not a princess....but my marriage is important to me

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 18/07/2015 09:13

Gah. Time to invest in a wheel clamp, maybe, if he doesn't realise that families etc need to be seen to.

Original poster
Onedayinthesun · 18/07/2015 09:14

Sheba Smile

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 18/07/2015 09:15

No one has said you are a princess or that there are bigger issues out there have they?

It would be a big deal for me. He sounds incredibly selfish

Original poster
Onedayinthesun · 18/07/2015 09:18

No they didn't Pag I just wanted to say that as this might seem trivial compared to other things going on out there.
Yes I think he is selfish...

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Bonsoir · 18/07/2015 09:19

I know it's not much of a consolation but I think that couples where the female makes all the decisions as to where the family is heading are very common! If you then also have to do all the execution, that is going to be a massive burden and, yes, you will find your partner dull.

Pagwatch · 18/07/2015 09:19

Oh good - I thought I'd missed a shocker Grin

It's not trivial. It's dismissive and hurtful. If he is dismissive when you raise it that must make you feel worse.

BathtimeFunkster · 18/07/2015 09:26

You should have said something last night rather than sulking.

Does he know what you're pissed off about?

That you're pissed off?

He deserved a "blazer" for telling you to book your own birthday.

If he acts like a selfish arse and takes you for granted, it's not unreasonable to let him know it's not OK.

Original poster
Onedayinthesun · 18/07/2015 09:33

He knows I'm upset for sure. At 6am when he got up to go cycling I said but we have a day out planned, he said you know I cycle every weekend - I'm getting it in now and will be back in time... But what about everything else that needs doing - the dog, the kids, picking up grandma....well you know I ride on a Saturday - I'll be back later.
On top of book your own birthday - frankly I really don't want to talk to him today - and now the planned day out is not off to a good start because I feel resentful

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 18/07/2015 09:38

Not only is he outsourcing to you all the hard work of researching and deciding on activities - he is also outsourcing all the execution (chores) that make them possible. He sounds very lazy and self-centred.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 18/07/2015 09:42

Not anything practical to say apart from just some sympathy- I completely understand why you would feel so upset by his attitude, it stinks.

How do you think would he respond to the classic MN suggestion of doing similar- tomorrow morning/next week cheerfully heading out the door in the morning off to whatever solo pursuit you desire for the morning,leaving him to sort getting the children to their activities/sort the dog etc?

It sounds like a classic "wifework" scenario.

Original poster
Onedayinthesun · 18/07/2015 09:52

Yes Oneday! Wifework sums it up... I haven't been on MN v. Long but it has crossed my mind to skip out tomorrow morning and tell him I have plans...and just wave goodbye.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest this morning everyone Smile
Just back from walking dog, going to get in the shower...,see how the day unfolds

OP posts:
tribpot · 18/07/2015 09:55

I assume he actually will be back in time? If there's any risk of that, I would just pack up and go out whilst he's out on his bike. It sounds like he doesn't care whether he goes with you or not.

That said, I think some clearer communication would help. You did know he always goes out on his bike on a Saturday morning, so you could have said 'please don't go out on your bike this Saturday, as we need to get the kids and the dog and grandma sorted as well as getting ready'. He might have refused, but at least neither of you could claim to have been unaware of the other's expectations.

You certainly do need to express your disappointment that he left it to you to organise your birthday (NB in future if he does that, organise a trip out with other people - easier for babysitting that way). Not saying anything because you were angry is counter-productive.

I hope you don't organise anything for his birthday, when he clearly can't be arsed to make any effort for yours?

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