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Original poster

Is he having his cake and eating it?

46 replies

Lipgloss74 · 17/07/2015 10:31

Met someone on a night out in May, he is older than me and told me he is single. We have started sleeping together several times a week at his, but he has told me twice he doesn't know if he will get back with his ex, I ended it as I am happy to be fwb but will not be dumped if he gets back with ex. Told him life's too short and if he loves her to sort it out but he messages me saying he cares about me, he misses me, I'm one in a million ect ect so why do I feel like a dirty secret?
I feel like he gets the intimacy And emotion side of a relationship with me and the social side with her as they seem to 'do' things together.

OP posts:
Mum4Fergus · 17/07/2015 10:33

In short, I'd say he is, yes.

horseygeorgie · 17/07/2015 10:34

Oh God, he sounds just charming. Please just dump and run.

truthaboutlove · 17/07/2015 10:36

I think you've done the right thing. Good on you.

Be really firm and don't be flattered by his declarations.

TinyManticore · 17/07/2015 10:39

He's attempting to string you along in case 'something better' comes along, ie his ex takes him back. What a charmer. Well done for having more self respect.

Original poster
Lipgloss74 · 17/07/2015 10:41

I told him I would go to see him tonight.
I can do fwb as I've done it before but we are still friends. I have this horrible feeling I would just be dumped together if they got back together, how could he explain to his ex how he knew me and to make matters worse he lives locally.
I have shared so much personal information with this man as he has pushed and pushed to get to 'know' me.

OP posts:
Senada · 17/07/2015 11:03

I told him I would go to see him tonight.

Um, why?

pocketsaviour · 17/07/2015 11:09

Sounds like he's keeping you on the back burner in case it doesn't work out with his ex. Charming. You've done the right thing, OP.

pocketsaviour · 17/07/2015 11:09

X-post

Why go to see him? Honestly OP, you're better off telling him you're done and blocking his number from your phone.

Jan45 · 17/07/2015 11:15

He is playing you and you are jumping.

He's basically told you that you are 2nd best and will do for now.

niceupthedance · 17/07/2015 11:30

If you were fwb then it would be ok for either of you to end the arrangement in favour of a relationship - sounds like you wouldn't be happy with that so you have made the right decision to move on.

butterflygirl15 · 17/07/2015 11:41

yep he is making trifle out of it too.

Why do you have such low self esteem that you are letting him call the shots? Don't you think you deserve better? Tell him to sod off and stop waiting for him to choose you.

YesItsANewNameForThis · 17/07/2015 12:37

Hang on, he really wants her but won't say no to sex with you
He tells you he really would prefer her
You say "fine then, you can fuck me"

Really, why be second best? and why would you even want to be intimate with a man who not only thinks you are just a fuck, but one who thinks you are a second best kind of lay.

Hey, why not just say to him "yeah we can have sex, because I can't find it with a man who really will value me"

PurpleDaisies · 17/07/2015 12:45

What do you think he thinks of you being willing to sleep with him even though he's effectively said he doesn't like you enough to want to be in a relationship with you and he basically would prefer to be with his ex? I'm guessing the respect doesn't come into it.

You are better out of it. If you can make a clean break now things will be better in the long run.

Have you ever considered whether you might have self esteem issues if you're willing to be treated so badly by a man but still willing to keep seeing him? Hope things work out for you in the future.

truthaboutlove · 17/07/2015 12:59

You said you'd ended it!

SolidGoldBrass · 17/07/2015 13:19

If he's a good shag and you are horny, it's OK to keep him on the back burner for a bunk up from time to time: he's already told you that he doesn't want a committed relationship with you.

If you are hoping he will change his mind and commit to you if you are obedient and obliging enough, you are going to make yourself miserable. Because he won't. He doesn't want a committed relationship with you.

Original poster
Lipgloss74 · 17/07/2015 13:22

I did end it and haven't seen him since. I've done some thinking and don't think I'd want to be in a long term relationship with him to be honest, I like spending time with him and the sex is fun but he's not what I want long term.
Maybe we are both having our cake and eating it?

OP posts:
Dilema76 · 17/07/2015 13:29

Sounds like you are not as comfortable with a fwb situation as you say you are because dumping shouldn't matter.

Jan45 · 17/07/2015 13:36

He's made it abundantly clear he doesn't want a relationship with you, you ended it not because of that but because you don't want him dumping you for the ex, but it's fine if he dumps you for someone better, cos that's effectively what he is saying!

The fact you ended it over that proves you are more invested in him than a FWB situation.

Original poster
Lipgloss74 · 17/07/2015 13:43

This is a very hard to read but very true. I don't want cut out of his life if he gets back with his ex or meets someone new as I like him as a friend too.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 17/07/2015 13:53

"I feel like he gets the intimacy And emotion side of a relationship with me and the social side with her as they seem to 'do' things together "

As his emotions are clearly invested in her, what makes you think they're not intimate when they're doing "things together and if they're continuing to do things together what makes you think he's 'single'?

Is/was he married to this woman? Do they have dc?

Original poster
Lipgloss74 · 17/07/2015 13:57

No they weren't married, no kids but together a long time.
He isn't single emotionally is he?
The more i read and think about things the more I feel like staying away from him and not responding to his texts.

OP posts:
Senada · 17/07/2015 14:22

Don't start playing daft punishment games OP , ie "not responding to his texts".
If you're not happy with the situation - and the way it reads to me is you are not - just let him know you don't want to see him again.
You're saying things that make me think you're way overinvested for this to work as FWB and you're going to get hurt.

YesItsANewNameForThis · 17/07/2015 14:22

He isn't what you want long term but you fear being dumped for someone he wants to be with long term! then you worry about how this will effect your ability to be friends with him, but say sex is fun. Now, if sex is fun and you really value the emotional side of things/friendship, in my book that is getting into a situation with long term potential. Ie if you were looking for someone long term sex would have to be fun and there would have to be friendship.

So what is it you are doing? You sound confused.

Why do you want him to be available to you emotionally? If you are happy with FWB why would you want to invest emotionally?

You are setting yourself up for being hurt.

Original poster
Lipgloss74 · 17/07/2015 14:23

Gratefully accepting all your advice x

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 17/07/2015 14:25

He isn't single emotionally and despite his blandishments - you're one in a million etc - all you are to him is a place to park his dick now and again boost to his ego.

Unless you're into shagging guys whose hearts and minds are elsewhere, it's not worth keeping him as a fwb as you are "his dirty little secret" and I suspect that if you were to run into him while he was out and about with the object of his affections, he'd blank you.

You've said you ended your association with him and you're best advised to keep it that way.