Is he having his cake and eating it?

[Lipgloss74]

Met someone on a night out in May, he is older than me and told me he is single. We have started sleeping together several times a week at his, but he has told me twice he doesn't know if he will get back with his ex, I ended it as I am happy to be fwb but will not be dumped if he gets back with ex. Told him life's too short and if he loves her to sort it out but he messages me saying he cares about me, he misses me, I'm one in a million ect ect so why do I feel like a dirty secret?
I feel like he gets the intimacy And emotion side of a relationship with me and the social side with her as they seem to 'do' things together.

Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong, I like him as a person and the sex is fun but I wouldnt want to be in a long term relationship with him as he's a very heavy drinker, old fashioned, and a bit boring.
If someone came along I wanted to date I'd quite honestly dump him like a hot potato but would still like to stay friends. I have nothing better to do some evenings and he treats me well and I get a break from being housewife and mum.
I sound confused but maybe we are both having our cake and eating it.
I should just take it for what it is.
Opinions? X

This is, surprisingly, one of the sadder threads I've read on here.

...I have nothing better to do some evenings and he treats me well and I get a break...

You don't seem to value yourself much?

But you are not taking it for what it is otherwise you wouldn't be posting, you know deep down this guy thinks nothing much of you, that's what's bothering you, instead of wasting time with him and he could be giving you anything btw, get out and meet someone worth having you.

I guess I dont.
I have terrible long term health issues and find it hard to believe that anyone would want to get into a relationship with me because of this, plus I wouldn't want to be a burden to anyone if I got sick again.
I also do the hard girl act a lot x

maybe its just me but I have never felt so bored or so lonely that I wanted a heavy drinking boring older man to stick his dick in me.

Please, Please, Please, you really do deserve so much better, stop wasting your evenings being second best for a man who isn't worth your time!

he treats me well

How does he treat you well? Does he squire you around town and take you to pubs/clubs/restaurants? Does he buy you gifts, pay for cabs to take you home if he's too inebriated to drive, and generally lavish affection on you?

If the answer is none of the above, he's using you - and you're letting him treat you badly. Out of curiosity, how big is the age gap?

You might be able to fool some with your 'hard girl' act, honey, but underneath you're looking for love from a man who's willing and able to commit to you and this one isn't it.

I'm going to get reprimanded by other posters in a most severe way for this, because it's bad form at MN, but...
I've looked back at some of your other threads to try to get some context. You seem to be not in a great place currently where relationships are concerned. Your views on FWB have changed massively in the last few weeks.
Please listen to what the other posters are saying to you. You are way too overinvested and I agree with cozie about how sad this is.

And newname, no, it's not just you. This thread is incredibly sad.

Thanks, I have a councillor to help with depression surrounding my health so I should maybe discuss this with her.
Believe it or not I'm a attractive, kind caring and intelligent woman but have v long standing issues with my own self worth.
I have actually deliberately picked partners in the past who weren't good enough for me just so i wouldn't be hurt/cheated on ect.
Reading this all back its so sad, I have a lot to offer someone but can't understand why someone would want to be with me who has a transplant, who can't work (I volunteer) and who lives in a rented house.
I look at other couples laughing and holding hands when out, having holidays and think that will never be me.

Oh definitely be talking with your counsellor about it - among other things. Do you mean this has never been in the discussion?

Do you have any children living with you? And what did you actually do on the evenings when he wasn't around?

(Sorry for all the questions.)

Amongst other things?
I have one son left at home who is never in.
The evenings i don't go to this guys house I read, walk my dog, eat out with friends once a week (mid week) and usual have some kind of social event on at the weekends. I play online scrabble and am happy to potter about the house.

Yes - among other things. (I'm wondering what you and your counsellor actually discuss when you have such big issues.)

My fear of planning anything for my future, I refuse to look ahead for myself, I don't let people see how much I struggle with life in general at times, my sense of self worth as I never feel 'good enough'
I had a troubled childhood, my dad was abusive, I was always told I was too much, a drama queen, too noisy ect ect, I was placed in care as he hit me and I was shoplifting, I then fell pregnant at 15 after not even realising I'd had full sex. I caught an sti. I went on to have disastrous relationships with men, I drank too much, gambled, overspent and was generally v self distructive. I married a bad man, I was abused, left homeless and pregnant again and eventually after a struggle for my life sorted. Got a house, job and life but sadly got a one in a million autoimmune disease that made my kidneys fail- my dads reaction was - what's the silly bitch done now and don't ask me for a kidney. The social work dept tried to take me kids off me as they said as a single parent with three kids I couldn't bring them up alone with renal failure but I didn't give up and let them, I eventually got a transplant from my brother but sadly 6 years later developed cancer stage 2 in my right old kidney and have various other related health problems.
My health is stable(ish) at the moment and the kids are doing not too badly considering. Daughter was head girl at school and is at uni, boys at college. I have recently lost over 3 stone and volunteer for The royal college of surgeons. I am kind and caring, a good mother and friend but I still feel I don't deserve a proper relationship.
Sadly this man treats me better than a lot of men have over the years.

You sound amazing. I'm impressed by you. No reason you won't get a decent person to love, except for the fact it's harder the older you get. Patience will pay off for you I'm sure

You do sound amazing.

He's not for you, though. He may be hitting some of your buttons but he's got his own agenda, whatever it is. He's using you - and that's something you don't need.

If you go out with him this evening, you'll end up being cozened into bed by him most likely and then you'll feel low again tomorrow for a whole load of reasons. I'd do a late cancellation on him. Why not try it on for size?

I agree with rum you sound amazing, you have been through so much, many things that would have completely floored most people. You are right, you are an attractive, kind, generous person, who deserves so much more.

This man may treat you better than others have, but ultimately he isn't the one who is going to hold hands and laugh with you, and every evening you spend with him is time that could be better spent, looking for the one that will.

How about joining meet up and finding activities near to home with like minded people and make some new friends. Its a great way to meet new people.

you are amazing - I just wish your self esteem would reflect that. Have you ever done the Freedom Programme?

Thanks guys, I wish I felt 'worth it' too but sadly don't.
I'm not seeing him tonight as believe it or not he cancelled on me as he 'forgot' he had a night out.
I joined meet up a few months ago and am going out for lunch with a group of friends I've meet through it.
I refuse to do online dating, I also tried hook up sites but wasn't for me.

Lip

You don't 'forget' a night out with a 'one in a million'. As I said, he's not for you and I reckon he's using you.

I'm pleased for you actually - it takes some of the stress away for a little. I'd give myself a good pamper tonight to celebate some more freedom.

It actually feels quite good to write most of what has happened through my life down for once and get it out.
My toe nails are all lovely and done for tomorrow and since no ones in I'm bleaching my moustache in peace lol

Women are varied in every possible sense but I have never yet met a woman who found indecisiveness attractive in a man. Especially when he was trying to decide whether to stay with her or go back to an ex!

He's keeping you on a line in case things don't resolve with his ex - what do you think he's telling her? Get rid, for sure.

You sound amazing, actually. Forget this inadequate old pisshead, he really isn't worth the aggravation.
I would suggest that for the moment you forget about men and sex for a good few months while you work on your self-esteem. a FWB set-ups can be wonderful fun if you are busy and have a full life, but if you are feeling a bit insecure and vulnerable they don't work out (partly because the men who are nice individuals looking for FWB because they don't want a serious relationship are put off by women who clearly want more than that - and the players and the abusers and the misogynists do tend to come sniffing round if you put yourself out on the dating scene when you are vulnerable.