Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Our marriage has died, know my husband is having an affair

39 replies

Justthetrees · 13/07/2015 20:28

What do you do when you know your marriage is over, you know your husband is having an affair but you don't want to separate because of the children?
What on earth do I do?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/07/2015 20:31

You put yourself first and teach your children that people do not have to tolerate getting treated like they are disposable.

scarletforya · 13/07/2015 20:33

Don't keep the kids in misery OP

PotteringAlong · 13/07/2015 20:35

You show the children an example of a proper relationship and seperate - you don't want them growing up with the example of a loveless marriage to follow.

Nolim · 13/07/2015 20:36

Would you like your children to stay in a loveless marriage? Then set the example.

Inexperiencedchick · 13/07/2015 21:00
Flowers
Wideopenspace · 13/07/2015 21:09

Why do you not want to separate? Are you able to expand on 'because of the children'?

Personally, a major motivator in my separation was my child.

Original poster
Justthetrees · 13/07/2015 21:14

I just don't want to separate because of the impact on the children. Is there any way of just living like this?

OP posts:
Joysmum · 13/07/2015 21:15

You set an example to your children that they have every right to expect people to treat them as they deserved to be treated, and if not there is no shame in cutting loose.

andthenagain · 13/07/2015 21:20

There would be more of an impact on the Dc's if you chose to ignore it and stay. What do you think this is telling them about relationships?
It is better for the DC's to have 2 happy parents living separately than miserable together living a lie.
Time to grow a pair OP..... Flowers

OhEmGeee · 13/07/2015 21:25

You separate as your children will grow up knowing you were miserable, and they will know. Don't place that burden on them.

YellowTulips · 13/07/2015 21:26

Why would it be incumbent on you to "paper over the cracks" and live a "second best life" whilst your husband clearly has no intention of doing so?

Unless you want to have an open relationship where there is at least equality in the marriage I cannot fathom why you would be considering this.

worserevived · 13/07/2015 21:28

You can't live like this. It will kill your self esteem, and it will teach your sons that it is ok to treat women like sh*t, and your daughters that it is normal and acceptable for men to do this.

Walk away, teach them to value themselves and others. Set the bar high for their future relationships. That is the very best thing you can do for them.

FungusTheBogeymam · 13/07/2015 21:31

You can both be great parents living apart.

It's very hard to be great parents when your children are picking up on your pain if you stay together - and believe me, they will.

You do your children no favours by staying for "their" benefit. They will end up blaming themselves for your unhappiness and that's not fair on them.

Radiatorvalves · 13/07/2015 21:34

Is there any chance the marriage could be fixed? You imply not, and frankly sound as though the stuffing has been knocked out of you. If there is no marriage to be saved, look to the future without your DH.

My DB has been through a hideous divorce (exW had an affair, he wanted to try counselling, she carried on affair...) and his primary concern was his children. To be fair, 2 years on the kids are fine, and better than when W was yelling she 'fucking hated him' in front of the kids, and flinging frying pans around.

Don't stay for the sake if the kids. I doubt they will thank you for it. I do hope you are ok? Any friends in RL?

DragonsCanHop · 13/07/2015 21:39

Flowers how do you think you will manage to live like it, it must be torture?

YellowTulips · 13/07/2015 21:40

The most emotionally damaged people I have come across are not those whose parents separated btw.

It's where they stayed together despite abuse (emotional/physical/financial/addiction). I'd argue this idea is bordering on that tbh.

Is this your suggestion or your husbands that you stay together despite the affair?

I ask as if it's yours, my first thought is he will go from shag to shag until he finds "the one" and leaves. So you have gained nothing for you or your kids. As such walk away with dignity and self respect intact.

If it's his, then quite frankly you need to run (rather than walk) from anyone who could be that cruel and disrespectful.

Penfold007 · 13/07/2015 21:51

Having been the child caught up in a similar mess your DC won't thank either of you for prolonging this situation. Gather together your evidence and the important documents then tell your H you know about the affair and are divorcing him.

Cloggal · 13/07/2015 21:52

I love you anyfucker.

Please don't put the burden of your unhappy marriage on your children. Live a happy life with and for them. You need no part in this any more.

Cloggal · 13/07/2015 21:53

(And Flowers OP because it is a shit place to be.)

ImperialBlether · 13/07/2015 21:54

On a practical basis, if you want your marriage to work the best thing to do now is to go nuclear. Kick him out and teach him what it's like to lose everything. If you bow down and accept being treated like this, that's how you will always be treated.

goddessofsmallthings · 13/07/2015 21:56

How many affairs has he had and how long has this one being going on for? Is the OW someone you know and is she married too?

HormonalHeap · 13/07/2015 22:04

I was where you are- held things together for years. You will only be delaying it till they're older and they will understand more all the acrimony of divorce. You think you have a choice but actually you don't. Really, you don't, not in the long term.

I know it's too much to get your head around now, but don't wait years to meet someone decent, it's much harder when you're older.

Mine was violent so I had no choice. I'm now married to someone I look up to. Whole different set up but my kids see a normal loving relationship. Isn't that what you want your kids to see?Flowers

Joie78 · 13/07/2015 22:22

I couldn't stay with someone who was with me for the children. There was an interesting article in the paper the other day. We're raising children to be adults not just raising children. What are we teaching them? That they don't want to become adults because Mum and Dad are miserable and don't love each other? Who would aspire to that?

LittleMiss77 · 13/07/2015 22:27

coming from a home where my parents stayed together for the sake of the children, my advice is that you need to leave for the sake of the children.

Kids are perceptive, they pick up on an unhappy relationship at home and trust me when i say that its not nice. The relief when my parents finally said that they were separating.... whilst it was sad that dad only came by at the weekend, there was an immediate change of atmosphere and the house went back to being a home again.

pregnantpause · 13/07/2015 22:33

I second little moss. My parents stayed together 'for the children'. I resent them both deeply for it. Ashamedly, more my mother- my db, my ds, and I have all been in crappy relationships and she taught us that a partner needn't respect you, just come home to you. Took me years to learn that that's not true. My siblings never learnt the lesson she was to afraid to teach us, and are now both following in her miserable footsteps with their soon to be miserable children behind them. And so the cycle continues Sad

None of us learnt from dad that cheating is fine, and disrespecting your husband/wife is okay. We all followed our mother SadConfused

Swipe left for the next trending thread