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Original poster

Our marriage has died, know my husband is having an affair

39 replies

Justthetrees · 13/07/2015 20:28

What do you do when you know your marriage is over, you know your husband is having an affair but you don't want to separate because of the children?
What on earth do I do?

OP posts:
plonkie · 13/07/2015 22:35

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation, and you sound like a good mum trying to do the best for her kids. However, when I was a kid I was desperate for my parents to split up rather than stay together. My mum was miserable and I just wanted her to be happy. So I strongly feel you splitting up will benefit all of you if you're miserable.

Northernlurker · 13/07/2015 22:35

I really don't think you can keep a marriage going when one person has checked out of it by having an affair and deceiving the other party. I do think it's possible to reconstruct a marriage if the affair is over and regretted and there is still respect between the parties. I think it's probably also possible to rebuild a marriage successfully on the basis of 'open' relationships but that would much harder and depend on your individual characters. I know I'm quite a jealous person. Wouldn't work for me.

Does your husband know you know? Because if not it will come as a shock to him no doubt and he will need time to process that before you can talk sensibly about it - assuming that's what you want to do of course. It won't be helpful to tell him you know and lay out your terms all in one conversation. Either he'll flee to the OW or he'll promise you the moon and neither is any recipe for rebuilding a marriage.

There are big obstacles - it's hard to feel there's any respect left for you when he's cheated and more than anything else you will need to feel he still has respect for you and you have respect for him. Don't be deceived by the novelists and the film makers in to thinking it's love that's the issue. There's very often still love even when respect packed it's bags some time ago. It's mutual respect though that gets you through the next 50 years.

And I agree with everybody else - nothing worse for kids than unhappy parents living in a home with no respect. So if you want to make it work for the kids you need to know you can both be happy and respectful of each other.

AuntieMeemz · 13/07/2015 22:37

It won't get better if you stay, it won't get easier to cope with. Don't waste any more years, start looking for your happiness again.

In my experience, once the person having the affair gets kicked out, they virtually always want to come back. By which time the other partner has made a nice new life.

My parents divorced when I was young, it made no difference at all to us children. My father went on to find a wonderful, kind, caring, supportive wife, and we all had an amazing life, doing things other people could only dream of, not because they had money, but because they were clever enough to work out fab things that didn't cost much.
Work out a plan with small steps, and start walking to a brighter future. Start by making a secret stash of cash. And, find a 'sorry you are leaving' card...

AuntieMeemz · 13/07/2015 22:39

My mother, who was having the affairs, didn't care about her children, and still doesn't. She has ended up very bitter and lonely.

gessami · 13/07/2015 23:00

trees I know exactly how you feel. that's where I was last september.

I decided that i wouldn't make any rash decisions. I'm giving it a year. we are going to marriage counselling. I'm trying my best to get our marriage past this.

however. I'm not sure he's doing the same... September is only 7 weeks away. not much has changed. the affair is over but I fear that we will never heal as a couple.

in truth I think I'm also doing it 'for the kids'. I really want them to have a stable happy family unit. with a mum and a dad. it's looking unlikely though.

Deeznutz · 14/07/2015 01:17

Well one solution might be to live together and co-parent but find your own romantic life outside and pursue your own interests.

enderwoman · 14/07/2015 01:55

The quicker you and your h reestablish new lives, the better for the kids. You can be great parents individually and the kids don't have a loveless couple as their role model.
Staying together in a bitter situation will probably diminish the chances of an amicable parenting relationship because the resent will be so strong.

RagstheInvincible · 14/07/2015 08:12

Don't. My DW's parents were in the same situation as you and stayed together "because of the children". It affected all of her adult life. You and your children will, emotionally at any rate, be much better off if you end it now. That is my opinion based on personal experience.

Joysmum · 14/07/2015 08:26

Mine too Rags and my parents weren't even unhappily married due to unreasonable behavior, just that they weren't in love.

Going by their example I thought ok was good enough and my early years of adulthood were spent investing in relationships that were ok.

Not the example I'd wanted to set for any future kids of mine so I lived with DH for 3.5 years before we married and then it was another 3.5 years before DD arrived as I needed to be as sure as I could be that we were strong enough to raise a child together.

greencottage · 14/07/2015 10:07

Please leave for the sake of your children. My DF did this and my mother stayed and stayed for the sake of the children. When I grew up I entered into an emotionally very abusive relationship. My mother had given me such a bad role model by putting up with the affairs so passively that it didn't even occur to me that I deserved better. It took me 20 years to leave. Best day of my life, I've never looked back. I do not feel grateful to my mother for staying and giving us a stable family home (her words) - I feel contempt and anger for being such a bad message about my self-worth that it robbed me of 20 years of my life.

greencottage · 14/07/2015 10:08

*being given such a bad message

Jan45 · 14/07/2015 10:10

No living a lie is never a good idea. You do indeed need to show him and your children that this is not the way to be treated and stay with someone, if nothing else it will keep your self esteem in tact, staying for the children's sake is not necessary, especially nowadays.

Even if you want to save the marriage, you need to show him there are consequences for his actions, not roll over and take it.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/07/2015 13:53

Your poor children will not want the burden of your unhappiness on their shoulders.
Don't do that to them, it's not fair on them.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 14/07/2015 15:00

What ages are the kids?
doesn't really matter, really. it's over. kick him out.

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