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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this weird?

36 replies

emotionwreckage · 12/07/2015 22:01

I think this situation is ok but I may have lost sight of things a bit. I am still very close to my xh's mum. I've seen her through the death of her husband earlier this year and support her a lot now too. her sons don't live locally so she only has me really. I've received an invite from xh's brother and his wife to go to their anniversary party. xh's partner has made a couple of comments to my dd (grown up) about me being around for xh mum and saying it's a bit weird. my dd was not impressed! now I'm thinking that maybe it is weird if I go and that I may be stepping on people's toes perhaps. not really sure what to do.

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PeppaWellington · 12/07/2015 22:07

The person who gets to decide how much involvement you have in exMIL's life is exMIL.

Can you have a chat with exMIL to see if she thinks you're stepping on toes, what she thinks etc?

Balders74 · 12/07/2015 22:07

You've been invited so they obviously don't have a problem with you being around. I think it is lovely that you are supporting your ex-MIL, especially as her Sons don't seem to be stepping up.

Would you feel weird going? I would ignore xh's partner, I suspect she is jealous. Could you take your DD?

I would love the chance to be close to my ex-MiL but they cut me off when I split from STBXH.

Go with what feels right to you & don't worry about anyone else.

Guiltypleasures001 · 12/07/2015 22:07

Op they are stepping on your toes, it's a free country you he,p whoever the hell you want, perhaps your making them look bad.

Also I'll assume she maybe your dd grandmother? If not she's acting the part if your dd is unimpressed with the comments.

She's a lady in need your a good person nuff said

Original poster

emotionwreckage · 12/07/2015 22:19

Yes she is dd's grandmother and dd doesn't think anything is weird at all! its always been this way. Thanks so much for your positive comments everyone. Yes xh mum wants me to go! Another problem is that my dp isn't massively happy about me going, although he's been very supportive to her too and has done DIY etc for her. He understands that I may want to go though and won't cause a problem. I have been there for her through thick and thin and we get on great. As far as I'm concerned she's my family.

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whitsernam · 12/07/2015 22:23

Not weird. My XMIL let me know straight out that as I was the mum of her grandchildren, and we had been married 20 years, I was part of her family. She was very hurt that I thought I should stop coming to see her when I divorced, so I resumed the visits, and it went very well. In the end, my X was very grateful I went to her funeral!! as some of his siblings had been quarrelling and did not come. If she wants to see you, you have every right to be there.

goddessofsmallthings · 12/07/2015 22:27

Your xh's partner's comment is out of order.

There's no reason whatsoever why you shouldn't be close to your xh's mum and your support of her is clearly valued by your xhil and his dw who have extended an invitation for you to attend their anniversary party. Will this involve travelling with your xmil?

Don't let the jealousy petty mindedness of others cause you to fear you're treading on peope's toes. If this were the case, I have no doubt your xmil would be the first to tell you - as you would with her if the situation was reversed.

As far as your xils are concerned you're still part of the family and all credit to them and to you for being able to achieve this happy state of affairs. Needless to say, go to the party and have a great time.

andthenagain · 12/07/2015 22:32

Has your DP been invited ?

TokenGinger · 12/07/2015 23:15

My mother was holding my grandmother's hand (my dad's mum) when she passed away, despite my parents having been divorced for 12 years. This is not weird. She's your family. A torn up wedding certificate doesn't remove that.

Cabrinha · 12/07/2015 23:33

I was never close to my XMIL, but I am still loosely in touch - she is my own child's blood relative! Divorce didn't change that. If you actually like her too, then definitely don't stop seeing her!

Original poster

emotionwreckage · 12/07/2015 23:33

seems unanimous! Andthenagain, yes my dp is invited but would rather not go.

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Original poster

emotionwreckage · 12/07/2015 23:35

Exactly! Xmil is my dd's family so I consider myself still family in a way, and so does my Xmil.

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MummyPiggy87 · 12/07/2015 23:42

It's not weird at all, and your not stepping on any toes its just jealously of xh's dp's part.
My ex mil came to my wedding last year, and my ex's nan and grandad! We are still very close, I wouldn't give a toss what ex's dp thinks.
Lucky for me though she is lovely so we don't have a problem.

HoldYerWhist · 12/07/2015 23:49

I actually do think it's weird, tbh.

But then I've always thought it weird that exes are best friends and go on holidays together etc.

I think if you're invited and you want to attend then you should.

It's just that I would never invite my siblings exes to things, IYSWIM.

Original poster

emotionwreckage · 12/07/2015 23:55

Fair enough Hold. I do see what you mean but we are just people in relationship with each other because we like each other and have family ties. just because I'm not married to her ds anymore doesn't mean we can't stay in touch.

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HoldYerWhist · 13/07/2015 00:20

No, I do know that.

I also know my opinion is generally in the minority. I have always been the type to cut ties and move on though.

In saying that, my dh's family are awful and he has nothing to do with them so if they were nicer I'd probably feel differently!

In any event, you've been invited so the fondness must be mutual. It's not like you're going to gatecrash!

HoldYerWhist · 13/07/2015 00:20

Why doesn't your dp want to go though?

VanitasVanitatum · 13/07/2015 00:24

Difficult to 'cut ties and move on' from your daughter's grandmother!! I think you are completely right to carry on as you are, family is more than just which ever person is currently in the official 'role' of each family member, IYSWIM

Iflyaway · 13/07/2015 00:29

Go, cos as you say it's part of the blood family, great you still have such good connections with each other. Very important for you DD anyway that you go.

As for DH not wanting to go, yea, well, these things happen... don't let that put you off. just don't let him stop you going by sulking

trappedinsuburbia · 13/07/2015 01:42

My dps ex goes to a lot of family stuff (shes the first ex there is another after her), she is lovely and I can see why the family are still friendly, they haveca grown up son and it would seem silly if she was excluded. She is remarried with further kids and her dh attends as well. It seems a bit petty if anyone has an issue OP and some jealousy. The last event I attended (I try to avoid them, another thread) dps ex before me was there quite legitimately and we sat together. Im not jealous by nature and the exs are genuinely nice people so why be unpleasant about it ?!

HoldYerWhist · 13/07/2015 13:35

I don't see it as jealousy at all. And I wouldn't assume it was jealousy. I think that's a bit arrogant!

The way I see it: db has dc with his ex. Family events are db and his dc and, I suppose, his dp and dp's children. Ex wouldn't be invited. She's his ex. They've chosen to live separately. To me, that includes separate in-laws. After all, you're only 'related' through marriage, not through your dc.

So, if I saw ex-SIL it would be lovely. We'd chat, we're friends on social media. I once saw her having lunch so we sat together as old acquaintances would; people who used to share something common but whose lives have gone in different directions.

There's no animosity. There's no drama. It's just different now and part of that difference is that she's not family anymore and so won't go to family stuff!

Obviously this is unusual but I know there's no malice or ill will between any of us.

Just a different perspective on this!

springydaffs · 13/07/2015 18:52

I'm with HoldYer on this. You could well be stepping on ex's toes by going.

It's not unheard of for families to side with d/sil following a divorce, which is poor taste at best and disloyalty at worst.

Imo if ex ILs want to invite you they should clear it with their sibling/son first - and should back him in his decision.

You can of course see her/them but take a back seat at (or not at) family functions.

PerfectlyPosed · 13/07/2015 18:57

My mum is much closer to her exMIL than she was when she was married to my dad. For a time, mum was the closest living family member so the one my nan had as her emergency contact as she could get there quickest if needed. My mum also attended her 90th birthday party a couple of years ago along with my dad and his new wife and daughter. No one batted an eyelid. In fact, people thought it was stranger that my dad was there as he lives abroad and doesn't normally make that sort of effort for anyone!

Original poster

emotionwreckage · 13/07/2015 23:24

so I need to take a back seat at family functions but it's ok with xmil's two sons and partners for me to support her on a weekly basis when no one else can or will? its ok for me to sit with her in hospital all day while xfil is dying and go to hospital to visit Xmil when she was admitted for heart problems when neither of her own sons could get there? However I must not go to a family event in case I tread on some toes?! by the way I get on fine with xh and he is fine with me going to the party.

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Original poster

emotionwreckage · 13/07/2015 23:26

Perfectlyposed that is exactly how my relationship is with Xmil and her family.

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Original poster

emotionwreckage · 13/07/2015 23:27

And at the end of the day I am trying to be a decent human being, caring for another human being in need.

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