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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh no have an hour to make a decision!! Help!

48 replies

onanotherday · 11/07/2015 08:17

My exh, wants Dc for the weekend, he move over 200 miles away and doesn't see them often. The DS glad to go..and frankly one day off in 2 months is very welcome. But here's the problem he wants me to do a100 mile round trip to meet for drop off. Normally I don't mind but there and back today and again tomorrow I can afford the fuel. So asked if he would contributed and had a text that said. Lying thief ..I'll give £10. ...besides the unpleasantness... It won't be enough I only have £5 for myself as it is. So I said OK, come all the way to collect. Now no reply and DCs expecting to go in an hour. Suggestions?? I hate to disappoint them.

OP posts:
ADesperateMummy · 11/07/2015 08:20

I wouldn't do that drive, it's not fair on the DC and if you do it once hell expect you to do it more often. I think the only two options are he gives you more petrol or you can't drive to meet him.

It won't be you letting your DC down Thanks

Meow75 · 11/07/2015 08:21

He gives you how much notice and expects you to spend money you don't have for the privilege?!
Sod that for a game of soldiers.
That sort of thing needs to be planned for or financed by him.

cece · 11/07/2015 08:22

I agree stand firm.
Explain to your DC you don't have enough money for the petrol. Perhaps best not to say ex won't give you the money.

QuiteLikely5 · 11/07/2015 08:23

Tell the children what has happened.

He sounds like a waste of space anyway.

If he wants to see them he knows what to do. It's not your responsibility to ensure contact.

duffaho · 11/07/2015 08:26

I wouldnt do it. It will become expected and you will end up driving all the way to him each time.

Rockluvvindad · 11/07/2015 08:29

Don't do it. If he loves his kids enough, he'll come and get them. If you're on that tight a budget, of course you can't afford it !

Depending on how old the kids are, the truth they could be told the truth ( facts, not feelings or views on their dad ).

Original poster
onanotherday · 11/07/2015 08:30

Yes last time his car broke down and I drove all the way. But I don't want to be petty but he hates me as it is. Had already told DCs I was drive to meet him but having looked again I would have to borrow money to do it. He want answer his phone now so don't know what to do!

OP posts:
Weebirdie · 11/07/2015 08:31

It was ok to say come and collect the children as he's the one who moved away.

LIZS · 11/07/2015 08:31

Could suggest meeting closer to your home within which you can afford the petrol?

Weebirdie · 11/07/2015 08:32

Sorry - explain to the children about finances and cancel the visit especially as this is now the second time you're being expected to do.

Herfrom2doorsdown · 11/07/2015 08:32

Don't go, plan a day doing something nice with DCs instead.

Nospringflower · 11/07/2015 08:34

No way would I do it after him texting you like that and having no cash. Although your children might be sad, if you can't afford it then thats the facts as it was unexpected. I would stop trying to get in touch and then he can't ignore you!

wallypops · 11/07/2015 08:34

Dont do this again - you'll make it your job. His choice to move away.

TheWindowDonkey · 11/07/2015 08:39

Errr, he wants the kids and for you to drop them halfway?? It'd be a big fat NO from me. If he truly wants the kids AND the cinvenience of you taking time out of both your days to accomodate him then he'll pay ALL the petrol and a little extra for the takeaway you deserve tonight for the favour!

TheWindowDonkey · 11/07/2015 08:41

And my parents split when I was 8, speaking from experience, its not you the kids will resent when they are older and realise how little effort HE made.

patterkiller · 11/07/2015 08:46

I would explain to dcs, wait in an appropriate time to see if he turns up then go and do something lovely with your dcs. Is it sunny where you are? Take a picnic and find a river and a couple of fishing nets and have fun.

Hissy · 11/07/2015 08:47

Text him and say that you genuinely have not got the money to fund the drop off, and you did the last time. Say that he's more than welcome to come and collect them and return them.

Does he pay anything towards them?

andthenagain · 11/07/2015 08:56

Text him and say now that you will be in until 10am and then will be out with the DC's.
Don't sit around waiting to see if he is going to turn up and diapoint the DC's even more when he doesn't appear.
His fault for not answering you if he does appear and you are not there

DoreenLethal · 11/07/2015 09:08

If he hates you anyway...may as well just tell him that if he wants them, he must have factored them in when he moved away so they will be here ready for him until x oclock [give him time to get there] and then you will be going out for the day.

Text him and say now that you will be in until 10am He would have to drive at 200 miles an hour to get there in that time.

CainInThePunting · 11/07/2015 09:15

I used to meet halfway to drop DS to his dad, it worked while nearby but then I moved away for work and he took me to court to try to get me to do all the driving. The court did not agree with him and he was told to collect from my house. I didn't actually want him coming to my house so agreed to meet him near the motorway he came on. I found one of those pubs with a kids play area and we would meet there.
You don't have to do any of the driving if you don't want to.
Or you could make a token gesture.

Belleview · 11/07/2015 09:15

He's put you on the spot. He's playing games with you. Unpleasant.

Have a nice day at home. Forget his stupid 'suggestion' which was half assed and impractical.

Just tell DC's that daddy couldn't make his suggestion work.

tribpot · 11/07/2015 09:26

Yes last time his car broke down and I drove all the way.

Yeah right. Course it did. He tried it on, you took the bait last time, so now he's trying it on again to establish this as a regular thing.

You literally can't afford it, never mind the inconvenience twice in two days. I think you just tell the kids that for some reason he can't do the whole journey (you don't know why) and you can't afford to do half of it. It's that simple.

gamerchick · 11/07/2015 09:27

You won't be the one disappointing them.. He will.

I agree you need a planb. Try and plan something else for today just in case and maybe t would be better not to tell when the next time will happen if he's going to be a cock about it so you don't have to deal with the disappointment.

Although I can see him coming all the way in an absolute rage just to have a go because you're unreasonable probably.

Starlightbright1 · 11/07/2015 09:37

I wouldn't do it..It sounds like Game playing. I would let him know what time you will be going out giving him reasonable time to drive to you...

Weebirdie · 11/07/2015 09:37

Yeah right. Course it did. He tried it on, you took the bait last time, so now he's trying it on again to establish this as a regular thing.

spot on.

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