Oh no have an hour to make a decision!! Help!

[onanotherday]

My exh, wants Dc for the weekend, he move over 200 miles away and doesn't see them often. The DS glad to go..and frankly one day off in 2 months is very welcome. But here's the problem he wants me to do a100 mile round trip to meet for drop off. Normally I don't mind but there and back today and again tomorrow I can afford the fuel. So asked if he would contributed and had a text that said. Lying thief ..I'll give £10. ...besides the unpleasantness... It won't be enough I only have £5 for myself as it is. So I said OK, come all the way to collect. Now no reply and DCs expecting to go in an hour. Suggestions?? I hate to disappoint them.

How did it turn out?

Well....he didn't respond to any phone calls, texts or emails...so for the sake of an easy life and to keep things calm for DCs I did drive to meet him. He throw £10 on the dashboard and I left. Kids have been struggling with anxiety so didn't want to rock the boat. I will not collect. Will text later when they are safely there. Last few years have been very traumatic and he has been diagnosed as having BPD. Have been trying to support him and kids but all chucked back at me. So now focus on the kids and I moving forward. Will no longer put myself out, just wanted to make it easier for DCs as they miss him very much. I feel I've let them down by trying to support him too. But am totally exhausted by it all now. Thanks for your kind advice.

for the sake of an easy life

These are the words that will keep leading you back to this place, OP, where you do what he wants at whatever cost to you and your DC.

Just wait til tomorrow - are you honestly going to refuse to go and fetch them if he says he will only go half way? He wants to get that tenner back off you one way or another, even if it's only in costing you more than that in petrol.

I understand that you didn't want to aggravate your DC's anxiety but you need to anticipate the fact he will pull this kind of shit every time (until he gets what he really wants, which I suspect is you delivering them to his house) and make sure they are prepared for plans to change.

Of course he didn't respond to phone calls, texts or emails, why would he? He'd got what he wanted, which is you on the back foot again.

Hope you get some relaxation time this weekend, it sounds like you desperately need it.

So he ignored you because he knew you would cave?

I d sympathise OP it's very hard to deal with an ex who behaves like a dick and doesn't care about upsetting his kids but I promise it gets easier as they get older and can get places themselves.

oh dear you caved just as he knew you would when he didn't reply.

Please stay strong and don't cave tomorrow or you will have fallen totally for his manipulation

My Ex has BPD... You are enabling him to continue to behave this way..He knew you would be there.

I would wait till they are returned then inform him you will not be doing this journey again... I did it once for my ex.. not as far as he couldn't attend as the dog was too scared of a thunder storm and i had already told my Ds he was going that morning.. I stayed due to the distance and had too leave with him as he was hungry and they offered ( him and ExMIL ) anything to eat..

This is all game play every email and phonecall you made will of given him joy. You need to very much minamise contact.. Inform him of what he needs to know. You should of told him to contact you if he wants to collect children.

I discovered my Ex lost interest in contact when I just accepted if he didn't turn up he didn't no encouragement , no drama I simply documented his woe ful reasons.

Another thing I also realised was that I can't help him.. He didn't listen when we were together he has even less interest in my advise or opinion now we are seperated

I have been there ..Feel free to PM me anytime

Thank you for your replies. It's just so hard after 20 years, I don't recognise the man I married. Have to get my head round it I suppose. He refuses to deal with BPD and his family thinks its a wrong diagnosis...not helpful. But yes it must stop. He refuses to contact me directly all arrangements go via DS! So puts him in a difficult position. DD begged him to come and visit on her birthday but said he could as mum sent horrible emails!! DS says he will tell him to drve them home, but they shouldn't be put in this position. My fault really for wanting a day off. Won't do it again! Thank you starlightbright will pm you.

Firstly, STOP making arrangements through your children. That is totally bonkers and not fair on them. You're adults, the parents, sort it out between yourselves.

Secondly, STOP caving in to him. Of course he didn't respond, he know full well you'd cave and take the children over.

Thirdly, you're playing a dangerous game by not going to collect your children and expecting him to return them home.

Are you sure he's going to bring them back? Let's face it, he couldn't even be bothered to pick them up.

By taking the kids to him twice now, you are in danger of setting a precedent.
You need to make it clear to him that you will not be doing it a third time regardless of what drama he dumps on you.

I do think you are going to have to collect half way this is not a battle worth having when e has the children. I would inform him when he gets home no contact will happen that is suggested through the children.. How old are the children? they do need to be kept out of this..

I think you need to sit down and explain to the children ( dependent on age) how you are both adults and you will sort contact out with Dad in an adult way but he must contact you.

I also think that people confuse slating the other parent with putting children right. You don't need them to take sides but when Dad says you have sent abusive emails. laugh it of say as if I am an adult I don't need to behave that way.

to be fair 200 miles worth of driving over 2 days sounds like very little break

You are being cruel to your DC by forcing them to spend time with someone who doesn't even care enough to drive to collect them. They probably think he wanted to see them. Poor bairns. He justed wanted to fuck with you using them. One day they'll realise you let them believe the lie.

Stop pretending he is a good father. Let his true intentions show.

I agree I must make arrangements with him, but very hard when he refuses to talk directly to me.
Ketchup i disagree I have never forced them to spend time with him! As for finding out who he is, the will in their own time!

very hard when he refuses to talk directly to me.

Then he doesn't see his kids until they're old enough to be making arrangements with him that don't involve you. One of you has got to put a stop to the use of the children as go-betweens and, let's face it, it won't be him.

Next time he tried to make arrangement to see the children tell him that he's welcome to collect. To the children just say that their father is going to try to see them on such and such a day, but if he can't for any reason then you'll do XXX instead.

When not if XH mucks about next time you go straight to planB and the kids will have been pre-warned.

The onus is on him, not you, to make the visits work.

You need to act as the adult here! How old are your children?
If he has a diagnosis of BPD I'm not sure how advisable it is that he has solo access to them.

There are lots of reasons children may express a wish to see someone and seem anxious if it doesn't appear about to happen. Not all of them are reasons to facilitate contact.
Tell him you will not bring them to him, tell your children that. Explain you know they may be disappointed but that is your boundary. Tell him he can no longer arrange contact via your son. Have a timetable, changes have to be made via a set email, never make emotional contact that way, just business like.

Ok, I sympathise but you really should not have driven them. It was his issue to solve, not yours.

Absolutely do not do it next time or you'll be doing this for the rest of your child-raising years.

some excellent advice here.

I think sadly although you are trying to do the right thing for the children, this kind of brinkmanship will actually increase their anxiety.

I completely agree that you need to be very matter of fact. Contact is on these dates at this time. You will collect/drop off children at X place. If he won't communicate with you, assume it isn't happening and plan something else for the children.

This is very little about what is right for the children, but more about making life unpleasant for you.

Thanks again. Having live so long with it it is often difficult to see so clearly. They only drive with him them stay at granny's. But from now on I will make the message VERY clear. Organise with me or no visit! Mummy time I do understand what you are saying but believe me I the ADULT . just this is all a whole knew routine.

I didn't mean to sound harsh. It often is difficult to be the adult and have our children upset. But sometimes you just have to do it.

How have you got on today, OP? Has he brought them back?

I stuck to my guns, he brought them home. I then sent a very businesslike email requesting any future arrangements to be via email or text to me abpnd not to use children as go betweens.
Evidently he told kids I should ' pull my finger out and do havrpe the travelling to him". I have pointed out that as he sees them one every 6 weeks may be I do enough haha. I await another abusive text.

So did he try to get you to share the driving again today?

I think you need to ignore attempts to jibe at you via the kids. He's entitled to his opinion that you should 'pull your finger out', however, you are not obliged to do more than make the children available for contact. You do that, the rest is up to him. I would just ignore that kind of remark and keep it purely to business. Why give him the satisfaction of knowing the kids have told you the latest shit that he's been spouting?

Anyway, another six weeks for you to get ready for the next round of 'why you have to share the travel'. Make sure this time you are ready as per the suggestions above - ensure there is a plan B to distract the kids if he refuses to come and don't tell them you're going to share the journey.

Well glad he has them home but I agree with tribpot Don't give him any satisfaction responding to these things.. These are the things that inflame things..Which well may be part of his motive.

You need to start again with communication..Don't let him know your thoughts/ feelings...Be factual. He may well ask questions , make statements to goad you ignore them.. post them here but do not give him the satisfaction of a response only reply to issues relating to the children that warrant a response.

Good for you for the email though