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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband says he has never loved me

32 replies

apollo59 · 10/07/2015 02:19

All new to me. My husband and I have been together 20 years. He says he has always had doubts about our relationship. We have been going to counselling where he says he is struggling to stay in our marriage. He had a flirtation with someone about 10 years ago and last year he had an affair with someone I know. I love him still, but don't know what to do. We have 2 boys 17 and 15. They are both doing or in the middle of exams.

OP posts:
mrsg1888 · 10/07/2015 02:27

I would keep amicable but part ways. I wouldn't stand for being treated that way. It shouldn't be a one way street. If he's not sure he loves you find someone who does.

fuzzywuzzy · 10/07/2015 02:29

He's still with the woman he had the affair with or has found another.

Get yourself a shit hot lawyer.

Bogeyface · 10/07/2015 02:43

He had doubts of his love for you yet somehow managed to put up with it for 20 years?

BULL.SHIT.

Get rid, he is using you until his roving eye finds someone poor cow who will take him on. Yes it will be hard on your sons, but far harder for them to live through the next 3 years with the atmosphere that will be there if you let this continue.

Bogeyface · 10/07/2015 02:46

Just wondering, given that he now at "rewriting history", presumably he has already been through "depression" and "alienation"?

Original poster
apollo59 · 10/07/2015 03:12

Thanks to all of you. We have our last counselling session on Saturday. He says he isn't in contact with OW, but I wouldn't know as he is away during the week. I am around 10 years older than him and I think he just wants to trade up as it were. His father did the same thing and don't want my beautiful boys to do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
apollo59 · 10/07/2015 03:12

Thanks to all of you. We have our last counselling session on Saturday. He says he isn't in contact with OW, but I wouldn't know as he is away during the week. I am around 10 years older than him and I think he just wants to trade up as it were. His father did the same thing and don't want my beautiful boys to do that.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 10/07/2015 03:42

Ask him when he will be moving out, this weekend or next, and putting an end to his dreadful suffering.

He has found someone else. He has written a script about your relationship to justify his new attachment. Dump him and let your boys know what a piece of scum he is.

textfan · 10/07/2015 03:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goddessofsmallthings · 10/07/2015 05:37

After you've sourced the services of a SHL, tell him you can't bear to see him struggling - and cut the lying cheating scumbag loose without a lifebelt.

O jeez, honey, in his case the apple didn't fall far from the tree but, with your loving guidance, your dc won't cause history to repeat itself.

'Always had doubts' for the past 20 years? He's clearly not an original thinker as he's using the same old hackneyed script so beloved by tossers the world over.

TheStoic · 10/07/2015 05:59

*He's still with the woman he had the affair with or has found another.

Get yourself a shit hot lawyer.*

Yep. Tell him you are putting him out of his misery, by setting him free.

Greenrememberedhills · 10/07/2015 06:37

I agree with everyone else. He's lying, and in more ways than one.

CateCadiz · 10/07/2015 06:42

" Tell him you are putting him out of his misery, by setting him free".....or better still that you are putting you out of your misery, and taking back your self respect.

CamelHump · 10/07/2015 06:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrstweefromtweesville · 10/07/2015 07:04

After you've sourced the services of a SHL, tell him you can't bear to see him struggling - and cut the lying cheating scumbag loose without a lifebelt
Do this.
If your sons ask about his behaviour, respond with 'Do you think this is a good way for a man to treat his wife?' Let them work it out.

bigoldbird · 10/07/2015 07:17

I am sorry to hear this. I went to couple counselling with my ex husband and he said exactly the same. It is rubbish. He has someone else I am afraid.

The pain I felt when he said he had never loved me was intense. However, it was the push I needed to kick him out. I have never looked back, have a wonderful DH now and a fabulously happy life.

Ex DH got what he wanted, is married to the other woman and is miserable as sin and always harping on about what a lovely life we had together and how much he regrets his actions whenever I see him (which thankfully isn't very often).

I would suggest you put yourself first, get shot of him (it hurts like buggery) and do what makes you happy. Put yourself and your children first.

Never bad mouth him to the children. They will work it out for themselves at some point (if they haven't already).

Good luck.

Reginafalangie · 10/07/2015 07:22

Its is the same script they all read from.

"It's not you its me"
"I never really loved you"

There is always an OW, either an active affair or his head has been turned.

He will try to minimise his part in this and probably try to blame you for the affair because.....you have changed....you're not affectionate anymore......he has grown/changed and you haven't moved with him.

I am sorry but your marriage is over and it isn't because of you. He chose to betray you twice.

Please take the advice on this thread.

Gather all the documents you need.
Open your own bank account if you don't have one.
Find a good lawyer.
Ask him to leave.

You cannot rely on him for anything anymore practically or emotionally.

Good luck OP Flowers

Joysmum · 10/07/2015 07:28

Ask him what this say about him that he allowed you to waste the best years of your life with him because he lied when you could have found somebody that truly loved you and deserved your love.

At least you got your sons from this. Flowers

Original poster
apollo59 · 10/07/2015 08:24

I can totally see that you all make sense, but have had emails where he says that he has had/does have loving feelings toward me. Don't want to tell him to leave as it is up to him to go otherwise he'll be able to say it was me. I don't see him during the week except for a wednesday.

OP posts:
Original poster
apollo59 · 10/07/2015 08:24

I can totally see that you all make sense, but have had emails where he says that he has had/does have loving feelings toward me. Don't want to tell him to leave as it is up to him to go otherwise he'll be able to say it was me. I don't see him during the week except for a wednesday.

OP posts:
SweetAndFullOfGrace · 10/07/2015 08:27

It's entirely possible for him to have had loving feelings towards you and still treat you with complete disrespect. He is telling you who he is and what he wants. Listen to him.

DrElizabethPlimpton · 10/07/2015 08:33

Telling him to leave doesn't make it your fault the marriage ended. It is his behaviour that has done that.

Please don't carry on like this. You will be miserable for ever. It is a huge step, but it isn't as bad as staying with a bastard!

Flowers
hellsbellsmelons · 10/07/2015 08:39

How can it be you?
You didn't have an affair.
So that is you making excuses to stay.
You are allowed to stay and try to make it work.
You don't have to finish it over him having affairs.
When my Ex had an affair I just couldn't forget or forgive, but we are all different.

ilovelamp82 · 10/07/2015 08:45

Nothing you could do now could make it your fault. The man has told you he doesn't love you.

You have 2 options. Stay with a man that doesn't love you (is probably cheating) and lose all your self esteem and show your dc that this is acceptable.

Or tell him to leave (as this is his doing) so he doesn't get to walk all over you anymore and you can regain some self respect and self esteem.

Staying in a relationship with someone who tells you that they love you but acts differently is so incredibly emotionally damaging. Being with someone who treats you badly and tells you they don't love you is madness.

I know you have been with him a long time and you think this is going to badly affect the dc but this is not your doing and showing your dc a bad relationship is as damaging long term.

Kick him out. Stay strong. It's your only option. Thanks Wine

MamanOfThree · 10/07/2015 08:45

No it won't be your fault/responsibility if you tell him to leave. It's his by being a cheater and rewritting history, hurting you very badly in the process.
By doing so, you are taking your life into your hands instead of waiting for him to do as he wants. Why should you do that when he clearly has said he doesn't love you?

Tell him to leave just saying that as he is saying he doesn't love you, he isn't welcome in your house anymore.

If your dcs ask you the question, just asnwer honestly and tell them that as daddy doesn't love you anymore, there is no point for him to stay.

You are worried about your dcs doing the same? Then show them how YOU can take control and YOU aren't going to wait passively for him to decide whatever he wants to do. Show them that YOU can take responsibility and YOU won't let anyone ttreating you that badly. Show them by your actions rather than words. They will understand.
Also it's the school hols now. That will give your dcs a couple of months to get their heads around the situation before going back to school. This will probably be the best time for you to get on with it than later on the year.