husband says he has never loved me

[apollo59]

All new to me. My husband and I have been together 20 years. He says he has always had doubts about our relationship. We have been going to counselling where he says he is struggling to stay in our marriage. He had a flirtation with someone about 10 years ago and last year he had an affair with someone I know. I love him still, but don't know what to do. We have 2 boys 17 and 15. They are both doing or in the middle of exams.

With regard to your sons, mine were 16 & 17 through all the drama that led up to us splitting. 16yr old still passed all his GCSEs....

telling him to leave makes it his fault, not yours. Goodness he has done a number on you hasn't he? I think you need to find a backbone and show your DC what a good parent is like. Find your self respect and use it.

OP when this happens it is so easy to focus on the little things that don't matter like "he will say I made him leave" rather than what is important which is he has ended your marriage.

He will not give you what you need, he has checked out of this marriage a long while ago. As I said you cannot rely on him anymore YOU can only rely on YOU.

Speak to somebody in RL try and gain perspective and see this for what it is. You cannot make him love and respect you but you can respect yourself.

How will it be your fault if he's been unfaithful and told you he's never really loved you (which is more likely than not to be a lie)?

He has told you he does not love you, what are you waiting for, until he actually shoves some OW in your face, I know it is hard but honestly you will feel stronger if you take some control and keep your self respect - tell him he better go in that case, otherwise you will just be prolonging your own agony.

So what if he has sent you emails about his feelings.

He is throwing crumbs at you, and probably enjoying playing with your mind. Then after a good laugh he looks at you with contempt. It makes him feel clever and quite the stud no doubt, to be able to mess with a woman with such impunity.

Don't get sucked into the games.

The only way your boys will behave like your h is if they think he is getting away with it, and if nobody tells them what a prick he is and shows them by her actions that she thinks she is worth more, and by extension the rest of womankind too. Show your boys what a worthless waste of space he is by taking the driving seat here, and tell them you hope they will be better men than him. Show them that men who live like this deal with this have to live with the consequences of their choices.