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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

in a mess.

41 replies

wellawella · 06/07/2015 11:02

Bit of back story, exh had affair many yrs ago and we separated, during our separated time we would still occasionally sleep together.divorced 5 yrs ago, kids grown up. Nearly 2 yrs ago it all came out about this other woman, kids didn't know about the affair as was all hidden, they found out in 2013, late last yr his gf had a baby, my dc have nothing to do with baby or gf,have told their dad this is how they feel and he is ok with this! The mess is that we have been sleeping together since be4 the gf was pregnant. I know it's wrong but I can't stop, we talk daily,I go to family gatherings, his gf doesn't.

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 06/07/2015 11:07

You're ok with him using you for sex (or you using him for sex?)? Or you want him back even though he cheated on you and then with you? What's the ideal outcome for you?

Chillyegg · 06/07/2015 11:08

Well he sounds charming Hmm

I feel sorry for the girlfriend.

Stop sleeping with the bastard.

colafrosties · 06/07/2015 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
wellawella · 06/07/2015 11:21

I suppose I'm using him in a way, I do still have feelings for him and he feels the same but don't know whether I'd actually want him back.
This woman was the reason we broke up so to be honest I don't think bout her in all this (which I know is wrong)

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 06/07/2015 11:24

do you think then that sleeping with him is some sort of two fingers up at her?

Not that it is, of course, because she would have to know about it, but do you feel that it's some sort of victory for you?

mrsdavidbowie · 06/07/2015 11:24

Have you no self respect?
You both sound unpleasant.

colafrosties · 06/07/2015 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
wellawella · 06/07/2015 11:41

I suppose I do feel like that FenellaFellorick, which I know is wrong,

OP posts:
Fatstacks · 06/07/2015 11:45

Walk away and leave him to it.

This 'i can have him when I want' shit will leave you alone and bitter.

He made his choice, he left you.
Stop giving him the best of you to try and ease your ego.

You are worth more than this.

Original poster
wellawella · 06/07/2015 11:45

colafrosties, I see where ur coming from and I know ur right, she didn't give a damn that I had 2 small kids who have been affected, my dc feel so strongly that they have said to family members that they don't have a half sibling, they want nothing to do with the gf or baby. It's v v messy

OP posts:
colafrosties · 06/07/2015 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rumred · 06/07/2015 12:02

You should be looking at who really screwed your family over - your horrible xh.
Please get some self respect and integrity and stop being an orifice for a poor excuse of a human. No wonder the world's in a mess with selfish cruel people like you and your xh in it.

Anniegetyourgun · 06/07/2015 12:07

You're not getting your own back on her, you're rewarding his bad behaviour by letting him have the best of both worlds.

FenellaFellorick · 06/07/2015 12:18

Well, I'm not going to stick the boot in by having a go at you about whether it's wrong or not. You don't need anyone to do that. You know what the score is, but yes, it's certainly not helpful to you or anyone. It's not good for your self esteem to be a fuck buddy to someone who didn't want you enough to remain in a faithful relationship with you. Good enough to shag, not good enough to be with. Can't feel nice. your entire worth to him is between your legs. Do you want to be that person?

It's not good for your emotional well being to sleep with him to have some sort of victory in your mind - he's shagging you and going home to her! Unless you're planning on telling her, or videoing it and emailing it to her, or scrawling "wellawella was here" on his back in permanent marker, what's the point? you're certainly not hurting him by shagging him and you're not hurting her because she doesn't know.

I bet it's hurting you though.

and, if you're wanting to prove that you're desirable to him? That he wants you? that he's sleeping with you because secretly he still loves you and wants you back? Probably not. He's likely just sleeping with you because you let him, then going back and being a family with her.

It really is a situation where no matter how you look at it - you lose.

Original poster
wellawella · 06/07/2015 12:52

There was a pair of them that ruined the marriage rumred not just him. He didn't leave me Fatstacks I put him out.

OP posts:
Original poster
wellawella · 06/07/2015 12:54

Your post makes alot of sense FenellaFellorick thank you.

OP posts:
onemorerose · 06/07/2015 13:07

What do u actually want to come from this?

Original poster
wellawella · 06/07/2015 13:20

onemorerose I don't actually know, I know if he thought anything of me he wouldn't of had the affair yrs ago, he mustn't think much of her either if he's still sleeping together, we spend Christmas as a family always have,even tho last yr he had his new baby,

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 06/07/2015 13:44

He sounds like a great guy! You all truly deserve each other.

I feel sorry for the baby..........

onemorerose · 06/07/2015 13:52

Do you think you would actually like to get back together with him?

Janette123 · 06/07/2015 13:55

wellawella,
so what is the question?
How do you see your life in 6 months, a year?
Are you happy with the present situation? If not how do you want to change that?

Lots for you to think about here.

rumred · 06/07/2015 14:21

Do you realise you are now the thing you hate- the other woman, person breaking a family up etc? I can't imagine it's great for your kids either. Or are they being lied to also? I don't wish to be unkind but your judgement is really off with this, imo

Original poster
wellawella · 06/07/2015 14:29

Quitelikely5 as a dad to our kids he's always been great, hes always there for them, tho as a husband not good.
onemorerose, I often think about that, and sometimes i do think what it would be like but I'd never trust him fully again.
Janette123 I do have alot to think about.

OP posts:
Original poster
wellawella · 06/07/2015 14:40

I get ur point totally rumred, u are right I know.i never thought of it that way Our kids don't know, I don't want them dragged into this mess.

OP posts:
Dowser · 06/07/2015 14:45

If you do decide to fully cut him loose you've delayed your recovery by how many years?

He's having his cake and eating it love . He left you for her. Now leave him to her.

No good is ever going to come of this.

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