Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

thoughts please, stbxh wont let me meet new g/f

38 replies

onionlove · 05/07/2015 23:16

Just that really, have been separated a year have two kids under six, stbxh has moved in with someone new, he wants to have kids overnight at his new house I requested to meet new g/f just for five minutes seems weird to me that kids would be staying with someone I've not met and I don't feel comfortable about that, I guess I don't have any choice though. Anyone any thoughts, thanks!

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 05/07/2015 23:19

So what did he say when you asked?

It would be nice to meet her, I agree, but he has the right to say no.

Costacoffeeplease · 05/07/2015 23:21

Yes it would be nice, no it's not obligatory

pictish · 05/07/2015 23:22

I don't know how much you'd actually glean from meeting her for five minutes. She'll be polite and you'll trot off none the wiser to her really.

He is the kids' dad, it's his call to make. Sorry...i get where you're coming from, but it is.

WorraLiberty · 05/07/2015 23:22

How well do you get on with your stbxh?

It would be nice if you could meet her and say hi, so what reason has he given?

If you don't get on at all well with him, then perhaps he just thinks 'What's the point? It's not like a 5 minute meeting is going to change anything', IYSWIM?

Only1scoop · 05/07/2015 23:22

I would feel the same Op

What did he say

Original poster
onionlove · 05/07/2015 23:25

He said I should "trust his judgement" I find that difficult after he lied to me so much during our marriage, if I met a new man I would introduce them as a courtesy, hate the idea of a complete stranger tucking the kids in at night! I bet he hasn't even asked her, I could email her and explain? She doesn't have kids so probably won't understand

OP posts:
Offred · 05/07/2015 23:28

Think the new gf is not an issue but whether it is appropriate and in the best interests of the DC for them to be doing overnights with new gf. Does he have a good relationship with DC and regular contact? Has he built up contact with new gf so they are comfortable with her before they moved in together?

It could be unnecessarily undermining to his relationship with them if what he is doing is taking an interest now that he has another woman to do childcare for him but it could be very good for the DC if he is being a good dad already and is simply moving on with his life.

Original poster
onionlove · 05/07/2015 23:28

We are civil but I don't like him, its just for the kids really, he hasn't given a reason ge obviously feels its unnecessary, maybe he thinks I might try to warn her what he's like like his ex did to me, I'm not like that, not interested in him, just the kids

OP posts:
oabiti · 05/07/2015 23:29

Go around there & introduce yourself. I did that & felt better for it, especially as my dc was staying there 2xmonth.

Offred · 05/07/2015 23:29

I think it is inappropriate to introduce new partners to exes tbh. What people do when they split up as far as new relationships is up to them. Your concern should only be for the children and whether he is behaving like a responsible dad and doing things in a way that will mean least disruption to his relationship with them and their feelings.

Original poster
onionlove · 05/07/2015 23:31

Very insightful Offred, this is the second time it has happened, he has other older children too, has built up a pattern shall we say. The kids have only met her twice so far, regardless of me meeting her I don't think they should stay overnight yet, he has only had them overnight once

OP posts:
HoldYerWhist · 05/07/2015 23:35

DO NOT email her!!!!!

Seriously. That's insane.

Look, I can understand wanting to meet her but you know she's not obligated to meet you.

Plus, why would she be tucking them in? He's their dad.

Don't drag her into it that way. Guaranteed you'd be pissed off if she started emailing you about how to raise your dc, for example.

oabiti · 05/07/2015 23:35

Of course he doesn't wanna Iintroduce you to her. What if you & her got on??

What aged are your dc?

Offred · 05/07/2015 23:36

That's what you focus on then. He should be thinking about what they get out of seeing him. If he is moving people in and out then that sometimes happens as relationships don't work out (especially if you are a twat to your partners!) but he should be aware that his contact with the DC needs to be stable and regular and he needs to have a secure relationship with them before he introduces new partners/asks them to move in because, although children are resilient and could be fine, you can't tell until they are badly affected and if he makes himself seem unstable and more interested in girlfriends his relationship with them will be Brady affected and their self esteem might suffer.

Original poster
onionlove · 05/07/2015 23:37

They are 6 and 3 and my ex stepson is 17

OP posts:
Offred · 05/07/2015 23:39

A short meeting with the new gf won't help with anything other than making you look like you are jealous or overbearing and you are powerless to do anything about how he conducts his adult relationships.

I'd suggest he builds up his contact with the DC to be regular and stable and in the main, without her, and that he gradually introduces them so they build a relationship with him first and her second.

Step parents can be great for kids - can stabilise things and be another loving influence but I think you stand the best chance of getting a good outcome when they are introduced after the parent has established a good relationship with the DC or the DC are vulnerable to thoughts of 'daddy is with gf because he likes her, he is not with me because he doesn't like me'

Original poster
onionlove · 05/07/2015 23:40

That's what worries me he has moved into her house, he's the sort of person who would never be on his own for long, he was already online dating before we split to line up the next person to take care of him

OP posts:
Original poster
onionlove · 05/07/2015 23:44

He doesn't even want me dropping them off at her house in the holidays even though its on way to work

OP posts:
Offred · 05/07/2015 23:46

You can express that valid concern to him - that he does not appear to conduct relationships in a stable way and you worry about the DC when he impulsively moves into someone's house but it isn't about her at all. She may be lovely or she may be a twat - usually the new partners of twats like this are lovely unfortunately for them but fortunately for you this means she could be create a nice atmosphere during contact eventually. However your concern is with him. He is not thinking primarily as though he is a father. Your DC may already be aware of what he's like and not be disrupted by this if it has happened before but it can't do them any good to take a risk on it. It is better for them to be secure with their dad and build up a relationship with the gf before they start living like a family, even part time IMO. You would never just move in a man they had never met I bet! You'd most likely date him then let them get to know him as things progressed before taking the step to live together and I think that's what he really should be doing even if he is not the primary carer.

oabiti · 06/07/2015 07:20

Onion, he sounds like my dc',s father- someone who will hole up with any woman, just so he isn't on his own.

I met his gf quite accidentally; it was a short time before he had moved in her & I'd dropped my dc over at his flat. I'd stupidly left my mobile there so went back to get it. Buzzed the buzzer, went up and there was his new gf, her daughter and my dc. I was shocked, as it was so unexpected, and introduced myself & told them it was nice to meet them. The look on my dc's dad's face was a picture!

Like you, op, he had tried his hardest after that to keep me and his gf 'apart'. He now lives with her and dc go around there twice a month.

He loves his dc so I trust that if there was anything untoward, he would act in my dc's best interest.

OllyBJolly · 06/07/2015 07:30

Your ex is equally the children's parent and you have to accept that he will make different decisions to you, and do things you won't agree with. That's his prerogative. That's life for separated parents. You don't have any rights to "approve" his relationships or way he lives, unless that endangers the children.

Your priority should be to ensure the children maintain a relationship with their dad, not put barriers up.

Isetan · 06/07/2015 08:05

I can understand your concern but meeting his gf for five minutes would achieve very little, pick your battles and this isn't one of them.

Your energies are best invested in supporting your children navigate the challenges in having a twat for a father. Do not waste your time trying to appeal to his responsible side because it will only lead to entrenchment from him and resentment from you.

Draw up a Parenting Plan asap because it's better to anticipate possible areas of conflict and come to agreements, before they arise. If conflict is a characteristic of your relationship then consider a Parallel Parenting Plan, which are designed to minimise contact and therefore conflict, by being more substantial and less open to interpretation.

Detach from this man as much as possible.

Rebecca2014 · 06/07/2015 08:22

I am the complete opposite! I did not want meet my ex girlfriend. I trust my ex judgment and I find the whole situation so awkward.

It seems such an surreal situation. I wish there was a way I could have completely no contact with my ex.

I know this does not help you but hope it makes you see the other side of the coin. This may be how she feels.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 06/07/2015 09:39

I have never met my DD's new stepmother. I'm just not that bothered. DD seems to like her, so that's enough for me.

Sammasati · 06/07/2015 10:31

I understand your concerns op, he is not letting the dc and his dp get used to each other, really not fair on all concerned. However there is nothing you can do about it, only time you can validly step in is if there is a child welfare concern.

Doesn't help you or your dc very much I know Sad. I hope the new dp of your ex is a nice warm woman who loves kids.

I think it is really irresponsible of the np when they do this to their dc. But you can only work with the info you have with regards to your dc.