thoughts please, stbxh wont let me meet new g/f

[onionlove]

Just that really, have been separated a year have two kids under six, stbxh has moved in with someone new, he wants to have kids overnight at his new house I requested to meet new g/f just for five minutes seems weird to me that kids would be staying with someone I've not met and I don't feel comfortable about that, I guess I don't have any choice though. Anyone any thoughts, thanks!

I can understand where you are coming from. My exp lied to me constantly through our 10 year relationship. He moved on a lot quicker than me and moved in with his np 60 miles away. I never asked to meet his np at the end of the day he is my DS father and I had to trust him that he would not see any harm done to his DS.
My DH's exw wanted to meet me and I agreed but then it never happened, I think for some people it is just something they need to do, however I really don't think you will see the real person in 5 minutes.
4 years on me, DH, DHEXW, her H, my ExP and his W have all been together at events, not through choice but because DS's were playing in a football tournament, I think it is good for the children to see that we can all be polite to each other.
I really hope this helps

has your ex met all the people that meet your dc at your house?

of course it would be logical to meet her at some point but maybe let it happen naturally. just keep the door open for dc to tell you any worries or concerns.

I'd also want to know who I'm sending my children to say overnight with - I'm with the OP I'm afraid, in wanting an introduction.

I'm on the other side of this. I'm the new partner and I did meet the ex, but mainly because she knew where I worked and came in with the kids to talk to me - I didn't exactly have a choice! I would have met her eventually anyway, but I didn't appreciate being caught totally unawares at my job!

Anyway, to answer your OP. It would be nice if she would meet you and I appreciate you want to meet the woman who sees your DC so regularly, but does your ex get to meet everyone who comes to your house? When you get a babysitter or whatever, does he get to meet them first before you leave your kids with them?

He's their parent and I think you have to accept that as long as they're not in any danger, he can introduce them to whoever he likes. And anyway, what do you want to achieve by meeting her - is it just to satisfy curiosity? Because if you don't like her, what do you expect to happen? You can't ban him from taking them around her just because you don't get on with her - he can have them regardless and, harsh as it is, you have to suck it up, just as he has to suck it up if you move someone else in to your home sometime in the future.

I'd also want to know who I'm sending my children to say overnight with - I'm with the OP I'm afraid, in wanting an introduction.

What you want, and what is reasonable to expect, are entirely different matters. They are their father's children, too. It is completely wrong to put any obstacles to that relationship continuing.

I think you'll learn far more about her from your DCs' reactions when they come back!

Unfortunately, you don't really have any say over what happens in his home, any more than he is allowed to dictate to you who is there with your DCs when they are with you. Believe me, you will appreciate that!

I know it's hard to let them go and, knowing him as you do, you don't entirely trust his judgment, however, he is their parent too and has just as much right to introduce them to anyone he sees fit.

FWIW, my DP was eager to introduce me to his ex and I really didn't want to - she seemed quite intimidating and not like me in any way. He kept saying it would be good for me to meet her for a coffee or something, so that I could take away the mystery of her, but I couldn't think of anything worse!

In the end I met her as she popped round his house, swooped in without knocking, took his fork and starting eating off his plate, announced loudly she was going to the loo - literally pissing on what she saw as her territory! - and left me feeling completely baffled! It was one of the weirdest encounters I've had and made a lasting impression on me!

I don't really feel like I knew her or really understood her relationship with DP until I spent Xmas day with them all and saw how they interacted. I think until that point you just get to see what they want you to see, which is pointless and uncomfortable all round.

I was introduced to my ex's GF when I dropped the kids off and she seemed similarly startled by me, as the bustle of arriving and leaving, kisses all round, it was just too much for the sake of a quick hello. The DCs had already met her, she moved in with their dad fairly quickly, and they seemed to like her, which is all that matters to me. Now that I've said hello to her in the flesh I am none the wiser about her.

Don't cause an argument about this and certainly don't contact the GF, you will come across as jealous and unhinged!

are you in the same town what if your children want to say hello while you're in town and your a random stranger to her and she is to you how embarrassing!

i would want a quick hello im x mom nice to meet you conversation if your child was staying at there friends house its the least you would expect so why not with a new partner?

I've been with DP several years and only met his ex wife recently. This was her choice. I think it's actually a bit weird to go that long without meeting, as DP's kids have known me all that time, and we have DC who until recently had never met their sibling's mum, but in the early days I understood her keeping her distance. The idea of her vetting me would have been bizarre. And if I had met her, I'd have expected it to be through DP and with his consent, I'd have found it very strange if she'd tried to contact me independently.

And as an aside, I never would have dreamed of tucking DP's kids into bed, that's his job as their dad. I guess some women might do this, but I bet the majority would recognise a boundary between being friendly and kind and taking over parent duties.

They are their father's children, too. It is completely wrong to put any obstacles to that relationship continuing

The OP didn't say she was going to stop contact. She simply said it would be nice to have an introduction to the person who is going to be caring (and from the sounds of it she could well be their primary carer while at their dads house) for her dc's.

From what you say OP, he has shady and wrong reasons for wanting to keep you apart. Chances are he's used the well-worn 'she's an evil psycho who wants to steal my kids! Pity me!!' script and he doesn't want you contradicting that.

It seems perfectly reasonable to have some sort of introduction.

That said, Xh"s np (later, wife) was desperate to meet me. I avoided her like the plague. She enjoyed playing dollies with my children, they were fed and watered and witnesses to the weird pair twice a month - a necessary evil. There wasn't much I could do about that but I certainly didn't want to meet the weirdoher.

She may be a stranger to you but she is not a complete stranger to your childrens' father.

If you met her and didn't like her, nothing you can do. If you met her and did like her, still nothing you can do.

Fwiw I met my now xs exw as she came in to meet me and I am fine with that. Because I was looking after her dc overnight while she was on holiday and their dad was working. Not a lot she could tell by popping her head round the door, better to go by how the dc react. (Hence how she knew i get on fine with them but previous gf did not)

I still see her dc even tho I have split from their dad and run into her at social occasions, including giving her a lift to a family event. We get on well enough.

I have not met xs new gf nor am I bothered. Dc say she is nice and that is good as she might mellow him out a bit. Sad but true I feel my dc are safer with a 'stranger' there than in the sole care of their thoroughly selfish dad.

Thanks everyone for your responses, I really needed some perspective on the situation because I know I am understandably pretty emotional about anything concerning the children.

Offred - I think you're right, she is probably just fine, she has a responsible job etc. so I don't have any other reason to think otherwise. My concern is with him, I wouldn't move in someone that he had never met, I know its different as I have them most of the time but I would put them first no matter what.

oabiti - I'm sorry but I'm glad I'm not the only one! I do think he would keep us apart because of the things he has done, I'm not interested in that, she'll find out what he's like or he'll change, that's not my problem anymore, thank goodness.

Isetan - your message is a big help, pick your battles is a definite mantra of mine but sometimes I forget!

Sammasati - exactly, I don't see why he couldn't have stayed in his flat whilst everyone gets used to each other but that's not his pattern I guess. Its two big things isn't it, Daddy moving house and new girlfriend all at once although I know they're too young to really understand that bit.

MarkRuffalo - that would freak me out! I won't contact her I've made up my mind about that and I think you guys are right on that point.

Gatorade - yes shady, you've hit the nail on the head there, He told me allsorts about his last ex and I'm not a large percentage of it wasn't true now I see it from another side.

I accept I won't get to know her in 5 minutes but as littlejessie mentioned I think it just feels weird that I know everyone who is close to the children so far. I know its his decision to make and if I meet someone I can make those decisions too for myself and the kids. I don't use babysitters just close friends who were known to DH but I do take the point that if we make new friends and have sleepovers etc. that would be the case that he wouldn't know them. I know that I have to accept it as long as DC are happy. I'm not putting up any obstacles, I really want them to have a good relationship with him, I know how important it is and I know how crap he is at thinking of them.

Thank you all for genuinely helping me make a decision and some sage advice for the future, the issue isn't her really, its him, his decision making is still poor, just a year ago he was begging me to stay and now he's moving in with someone else, he's very selfish and does what suits him, I hope I can manage this in the right way for the children's sake that's all.

Cheers xx

You may want them to have a good relationship with him but is he capable of that? It doesn't automatically follow that if you step back he'll come up with the goods. He may; but he may not. It's good to keep an eye on that I think.