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Relationships

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Original poster

Me: "What do you want to do?" Him: "You choose"

32 replies

FunFunFunFun · 27/06/2015 12:55

Aggghhhhhh. 6 months into a relationship and I'm fresh out of date ideas. He ALWAYS says "you choose" and never suggests anything himself. We've done all the usual cinema, restaurants, comedy clubs, cosy nights in.

I'm fresh out of ideas. He doesn't like anything with adrenaline so fun fairs/themeparks are out.

Can you help this frustrated woman!?

OP posts:

Stopanuary · 27/06/2015 13:07

Make the 'rule' that you take it in turns to choose/plan/organise?

Original poster

FunFunFunFun · 27/06/2015 13:12

Do you reckon he's being lazy, or a gentleman?

OP posts:

rumred · 27/06/2015 13:53

Watching with interest. My gf does this and I don't like it, feel like all the responsibility is on me to make decisions . Can be useful but on balance it's more irritating than anything.
Is it a sign of passivity? Lack of imagination?

HelenF350 · 27/06/2015 13:58

My partner does this all the time, drives me mad. Especially as anything I then suggest he moans about!

WoeIsMee · 27/06/2015 14:00

Lazy. You're organising his days out for him like he's a toddler.

Why can't won't he do it?

pocketsaviour · 27/06/2015 14:01

It can often be a sign of someone who's anxious to please, IME. They may have been taught as a child that "you choose" is a trap - if they make a choice, it's always the wrong one.

I would say "Why don't you want to choose?"
If he answers "Because I can't think of anything" then he's just lazy/unimaginative/passive.
If he answers "In case you don't like it" or "Because it's more important you're happy" then you know you've got a people pleaser. Then you can decide whether you want to help him develop...

Original poster

FunFunFunFun · 27/06/2015 14:25

Okay, I'm organising the next two dates then I've explicitly passed the buck to him: "The following week - you choose". Totally reasonable, yes?

pocketsaviour interesting. When I googled stuff to do I came across a forum conversation where a bloke said "If he never suggests stuff, he's probably not that interested in you"

OP posts:

TopOfTheCliff · 27/06/2015 14:57

When I met my OH we were both a bit battered and started out doing exactly this.
Where shall we go?
I don't mind. Where would you like to go?
I don't mind either. How about the pub?
OK Which one?
I don't mind. Which would you like?
I don't mind... etc etc. It wore off quickly once we got brave enough to state our opinion without fear of being criticised. If it didn't I would have walked away. But OH is still the most easy going lovely person I have met.

Charley50 · 27/06/2015 17:09

Well as it's summer now you can go to woods, rivers, seaside, festivals, cute towns with loads of junk shops etc. Maybe he is one of those guys who would do nothing if given the choice.

Charley50 · 27/06/2015 17:10

Bike rides. Play tennis. Beer garden.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 27/06/2015 17:16

Some people are just like that. They don't mind / they don't want the responsibility of making a decision / they want to do whatever will make you happy & etc

is he like this with everything? What do you want for dinner / what film shall we see / what shall we watch on the telly / shall we buy this cake or that one...? If he is like this with everything and you find it annoying then realistically he's probably not going to change so you need to decide whether you are OK with it.

I have one of these BTW and I am ok with it

annandale · 27/06/2015 17:16

I was always taught that you HAVE to express an opinion, it's rude not to. So you say 'well they all look great/lots of things spring to mind, but what I'd really love to have/do is...'

Presumably he doesn't think that it's rude. My husband is much more likely to say 'I don't mind' as that's how he was brought up, and I have to bounce it back to him sometimes - 'No, you choose, I'm not going to'.

You could say to him that it's very offputting to have no input. See what happens.

sykadelic · 27/06/2015 17:51

My DH is of the opinion that if he feels strong about something he will say it, otherwise he doesn't mind.

It's incredibly frustrating when I'm trying to pick something for dinner and he says "I don't mind what we have", so instead of allowing it to annoy me, I say "Okay we're having chicken today. Do you want X, Y, or Z?". He will now say what he doesn't feel like or if one sounds particularly good.

My ideas for "dates" are pretty much dinner/lunch and a movie. Otherwise if I find something new to do we'd do that. There's somewhere I want to go soon but the weather has been crap so it's been waiting. I keep a list and keep my eye out for fun activities to reduce the monotony.

So my suggestion to you is to pick a selection of things and ask him to pick one, or simply make the decision yourself.... OR you could have a conversation like you just said here "I'm out of date ideas, and I'm frustrated that I'm the one always picking something. If I didn't pick something, what would you be doing?

It could simply be that he doesn't really want to "do" anything and would prefer to just relax. It's been 6 months, the "lets do new stuff together every time we see each other" is probably over. That's easy when you're living together but when you're dating... it's weird being at someone elses house and not doing anything special.

SaucyJack · 27/06/2015 17:57

I was just thinking what sykadelic said in her last paragraph tbh.

Do you need to be out because of children at home/housemates/yadda yadda?

By six months I was always well at the point of just chilling on the sofa with a cider with my gentleman caller.

Maybe you just have mismatched levels of interest in doing "stuff" if that makes sense?

Nevergoingtolearn · 27/06/2015 18:03

I can be a bit like that, I often say 'I don't mind' or 'whatever you want to do?', it's not because I'm not interested, more that I'm worried to suggest something he won't think is fun, there's loads of things I would like to do but worried other people will find them boring , I would hate for him to suggest eating out or the cinema but would probably agree to going. It's summer and there's loads of things you can do that are romantic, a walk alontpg the beach, watching the sun set, walk through the woods, picnics, getting drunk around a fire or sitting in a beer garden. Maybe give him a choice of a few things and let him choose one, he might just be stuck for ideas and worried what he sugests might not interest you.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 27/06/2015 18:19

Every bloomin time we are going out (unless he has a fixed idea usually connected to his hobby) and if it's something I want to do and he doesn't, his body language says it all. (This also extends to meals-what woukd you like? I don't mind) arrrrrghhhh!

Original poster

FunFunFunFun · 27/06/2015 19:37

Maybe he is one of those guys who would do nothing if given the choice.

Just sit in silence?

is he like this with everything?

Meh. Pretty much. I'm doomed aren't it? Why do they do it?

If I didn't pick something, what would you be doing?

Awesome question to ask.

when you're dating... it's weird being at someone elses house and not doing anything special.

That's exactly my issue! You hit the nail on the head. I feel that every time we meet we must be doing "something" because otherwise it would be awkward. I'm right, aren't I?

By six months I was always well at the point of just chilling on the sofa with a cider with my gentleman caller.

Would you do that all day?

OP posts:

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 27/06/2015 19:48

You can't change other people, I wouldn't bother trying to.

If you like him enough, tell him you think he doesn't seem to care enough to organise interesting stuff for the two of you to do, and that's a problem. See what happens.

If you don't like him enough to have that kind of heart to heart, then may I suggest looking for someone new. One of the reasons I knew I wanted to marry DH is because it was easy to have fairly deep conversations early on, and I wasn't worried about what might happen if I raised stuff like this.

SaucyJack · 27/06/2015 19:55

"Would you do that all day?"

Yep, quite often. Still would if we could get a babysit

It's my opinion that if you find it awkward to just sit around with a man you've been in a supposed relationship for six months, then you possibility don't really have much of a connection.

Feel free to think you're right and I'm just lazy tho.

SaucyJack · 27/06/2015 19:55

*possibly

HellonHeels · 27/06/2015 19:56

I like doing stuff and being active but I need downtime as well. Early months dates for me and BF were galleries with lunch, long walk along the river, pause for coffee, a sit (and snog) in the park; theatre or performance of some sort; yoga class. The best thing about BF was that he suggested LOADS of things and made them happen. With ex-DH I had to organise everything. I spent a long time enjoying the novelty of having someone else plan stuff and suggest things but I do my share now. When at the dating stage we still enjoyed playing house a bit - cooking breakfast for each other, planning a dinner and cooking it together etc. so just hanging out at home was fun. I enjoyed the quieter hanging out together times a lot (and still do).

HellonHeels · 27/06/2015 20:00

I think I agree with PPs that if sitting around together isn't comfortable 6 months in you may be incompatible ie you're not a chill-out-er and he is or you aren't connecting enough just to enioy each other's company without external stimulus.

Are you having sex? I found that occupied quite a lot of time especially when you added in cuddling up and chatting afterwards

Original poster

FunFunFunFun · 27/06/2015 20:16

It's my opinion that if you find it awkward to just sit around with a man you've been in a supposed relationship for six months, then you possibility don't really have much of a connection.

That's what I'm afraid of I bloody like him though, and he likes me.

The best thing about BF was that he suggested LOADS of things and made them happen.

I'm jealous. Maybe I'm lazy!

Are you having sex?

Yes. Wouldn't it be bizarre if we weren't?

Do you think the problem is perhaps the blocks of time we spend together are too long? For instance. we would see each other for the entire day 11am till 3pm the next day. Then miss a few days and do it again.

OP posts:

Mayor · 27/06/2015 20:26

Could you just wing it and make it up as you go along? Six months in we would probably go to bed for an hour or so first, then one of is suggest lunch, then anything else after that - wonder round shops, cinema if something good on, home for DVD etc. Plan breakfast for the next day. Just pretty mundane stuff that is lovely doing in a new relationship!

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 27/06/2015 20:30

It sounds as though you've established a pattern that you do all the planning for the relationship maybe? So what motivation does he have to suddenly suggest something, you'll always sort out the plan.

I think your options are either carry on, stop it and see if he steps up, it have a proper conversation about it.

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