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Relationships

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Original poster

Starting a relationship with someone you know is selfish?

48 replies

weedinthepool · 21/06/2015 21:11

Anyone have any experience of this? I mean knowing that the person is selfish and self oriented from the start
Not someone who you find out is selfish a few months/years in. No mask slipping but you get the full picture from day one?

I have stupidly fallen in love with someone as a result of a stupid FWB situation but which moved into a relationship. I ended it because of the selfishness but now I'm starting to think it would be better to deal with it and still have him in my life because I've been miserable and I can't put aside that he is only the second person I've ever been in love with in 35 years.

OP posts:

HermioneWeasley · 21/06/2015 21:15

What is lovable and attractive about someone who is selfish?

DubbyDubby · 21/06/2015 21:20

how was he selfish?

are you sure you love him - warts and all - and not just the nice bits? (sorry if that sounds condescending)

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 21/06/2015 21:22

You ended the relationship because of a VERY unfavourable characteristic. That was extremely sensible of you. You might think you could go forward being with someone like that but it's difficult to anticipate the damage to you constant disappointment can bring. And being with someone that selfish will bring a lot of disappointment, I promise you. And could well undermine your self-confidence

Original poster

weedinthepool · 21/06/2015 21:24

There are many things about him that are positive, he's clever, funny, sensitive, kind but ultimately he is unapologetically selfish. If he doesn't want to do something he won't do it. This could mean spending time with me, going places, seeing our friends etc. He has no qualms about saying I'm sorry if this upsets you but I don't want to do that, see you, go there.

I struggle with this but he does other things that make me quite secure, he's introduced me to his friends, his family, tells me he likes me, we have good conversation, we laugh, is interested in my life, he challenges me intellectually, asks me to go places etc. But I'd be lying if I said it isn't all on his agenda. He has compromised a couple of times but firmly let me know he was doing that for me as I was upset which took away the positive bit for me.

OP posts:

ALaughAMinute · 21/06/2015 21:27

Red Flag. Get rid.

Original poster

weedinthepool · 21/06/2015 21:28

Bitter my self confidence is non existent anyway. I had an abusive 10 year marriage that saw to that. I know you will prob say I'm going from a grade 10 bastard to a grade 7 bastard. My eyes are open about this man though and unfortunately I do liloveve him, warts and all. That's not a patronising question. It's just a fact

OP posts:

ALaughAMinute · 21/06/2015 21:41

He's not the only man in the world, you deserve better!

britneyspearscatsuit · 21/06/2015 21:47

I was told recently that the thing that makes us feel "in love" is familiarity.

If he's a bit of a bastard, and you were abused, the "love" feelings you have might be familiarity, comfort, feeling "at home".

Yes, I have fallen in love with someone like this. No, they don't change,

Squeegle · 21/06/2015 21:50

Don't make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option. Please don't talk about loving someone when you can see you wont be loved back in the same way.
I get it I really do, but you deserve more, and as PP said, this is a pattern that you are familiar with. And it's a pattern that needs to change for you to be cared for as an equal.

Original poster

weedinthepool · 21/06/2015 21:51

But considering I've been with a fair few men and he's only the second person I've fallen in love with I'm scared shitless to walk away. The first took me 15 years to get over, not even marrying someone else helped. I don't want to go through that without at least trying. I'm aware that makes me sound like a complete idiot.

OP posts:

Trills · 21/06/2015 21:55

WHy would you WANT to be in a relationship with someone you know to be selfish?

It will be unpleasant.

Forget this "fallen in love" bullshit. It's a temporary obsession. It's not magic and it's not the meaning of life.

I assume you have read this?

MarchLikeAnAnt · 21/06/2015 21:56

Are you sure you're not just a bit infatuated with him?

Original poster

weedinthepool · 21/06/2015 21:57

squeegle yes you are right. He will never love me back. Perhaps in my own way I've done this on purpose, I've fallen in love with someone unobtainable and I know won't commit to me as self preservation, so I don't have to jump into the abyss that is trust and loving and respecting myself enough to ask for trust and love and respect back. I've read that back and it sounds crazy!

OP posts:

Original poster

weedinthepool · 21/06/2015 22:01

Trills yes I've read that. It makes complete sense but iit seems so far away from what is realistic for me. I'm not infatuated with him, I can see his faults very very clearly. Hence why I ended it but I felt so miserable.

OP posts:

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 21/06/2015 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StaceyAndTracey · 21/06/2015 22:07

Do you have kids already ? If not, do you want to have them in the future ? With this man ?

ohhello · 21/06/2015 22:07

DONT DO IT

Trills · 21/06/2015 22:11

Step outside of yourself for a moment.

Imagine you had a friend who was in this situation?

What would you advise her to do?

You'd advise her to get over it and not see this man any more.

Be a good friend to yourself.

lordStrange · 21/06/2015 22:12

He will damage you and hurt you and he will be too selfish to even care.

Put the 'Love' notion to one side and ask yourself is this what I really want?

DoreenLethal · 21/06/2015 22:13

Everyone's always got a mask. If this is him with the mask on - who knows how bad it will get once the mask slips.

Squeegle · 21/06/2015 22:15

Have a look at www.baggagereclaim.co.uk
She talks a lot of sense about why we fall for emotionally unavailable men, It literally opened my eyes! I'm not cured, but hopefully I'm on the way!

Look up emotionally unavailable men. It's illuminating. And why we fall for them. Double illuminating!

DubbyDubby · 21/06/2015 22:32

that misery you feel at being apart from him will pass eventually. please believe that.

Original poster

weedinthepool · 21/06/2015 22:37

Oh fucking hell. Why do I do this? It's like a form of self harm. I am so weak. In a cognitive levelni get it, get it, get it but on an emotional level I just can't deal with it. It's like the repeated rejection and disappointment fuels something in me to try make it right. Instead of walking away from a disaster I try to fix it. Thanks everyone.

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Lovelydiscusfish · 21/06/2015 23:12

I'm going to go against the grain here, and say yes, I think it is quite possible to be in a happy relationship with someone who is selfish. After all, loads of people are selfish, and they're not all single/in desperately unhappy relationships. On the plus side, it sounds like this bloke isn't a hypocrite, isn't trying to lead you down the garden path, is more of a "this is me, this is what I'll be like, take it or leave it, warts and all" kind of guy.
The red flags to me come more from your reaction to it. And I don't in any sense mean to imply that your reaction is wrong, by the way, far from it. But what you are not saying is "I love him, he dances to the beat of his own drum, I admire his single mindedness and honesty". What you are saying, essentially is "He's selfish, it's horrible, and what is worse is I'm locked into loving him anyway."
And therein lies your answer. He's not necessarily unloveable. But he won't make you happy, and you deserve to be.

Lovelydiscusfish · 21/06/2015 23:15

And you are NOT weak, don't think that for a second. You are a good person, to whom bad things have happened. You love some things about this guy, and dislike others. So you're conflicted. That doesn't make you weak, it makes you thoughtful, and human.

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