Starting a relationship with someone you know is selfish?

[weedinthepool]

Anyone have any experience of this? I mean knowing that the person is selfish and self oriented from the start
Not someone who you find out is selfish a few months/years in. No mask slipping but you get the full picture from day one?

I have stupidly fallen in love with someone as a result of a stupid FWB situation but which moved into a relationship. I ended it because of the selfishness but now I'm starting to think it would be better to deal with it and still have him in my life because I've been miserable and I can't put aside that he is only the second person I've ever been in love with in 35 years.

[DrMorbius]

weedinthepool - Can I suggest todays mini goal should be to block this selfish arse on your phone, unfriend him on FB and block any other form of contact.

[weedinthepool]

Brighton you are not the first to suggest HF autism. Alot if his friends have said it but I'm not sure...

Today I have set myself a mini goal of not checking my FB messenger to see if he's been on. It took him over 24 hours for him to read my last message saying could get ring me because I wanted to talk to him. Still no response so he really doesn't give a fuck does he. I'm not going to allow myself the headspace. Plus I've got loads on at work and the dc's sports day to concentrate on

[mommyof23kids]

You say your self esteem is in the toilet and you're an idiot? Well guess what, deciding to end it with a selfish man is a very sane, sensible and smart thing to do. You don't know it but your self esteem has risen a little bit more than it was yesterday.
Sometimes doing what is good for us feels like the opposite.

[Brightonmumtoatoddler]

He sounds a bit Aspergic to me. Is that possible? Maybe look up the checklist and see how many boxes he ticks.
Might be tricky to be in a relationship with someone like that...
You can also have therapy to help you get over your broken heart. Mindfulness courses etc are very good.

[weedinthepool]

Thanks AF. I will stay away.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

No offence taken weedinthepool.

[AnyFucker]

men like this seek out intelligent, outwardly tough and successful women like you

they find your weak spot (we all have at least one) and exploit it very cleverly

your experiences so far with relationships made you more vulnerable and they can smell that too

please, do the Freedom Programme, get some counseling and stay away from men until you can spot a user like this and don't even give him the time of day

[AnyFucker]

weed, yes, keep it ended

how long did you stay with this guy, could you congratulate yourself on kicking him into touch before you got in deeper ?

but lovey, you know you are better than this even if some bastard of a monkey on your shoulder is tellign you different

would a period of time man free help ?

[weedinthepool]

Attila sorry I sound really snappy in my last post. I'm just frustrated and annoyed with myself, not you. I can see how you are just trying to help.

[littleshorty]

Bless you weed. I have been in a relationship with someone selfish and immature in exactly the ways you describe.
What you said about self harm and sabotage really ring true for me it took me a while to realise that's what I was doing to myself by being with a selfish man. Being constantly disappointed will do nothing for your self esteem.
I'm now married to the least selfish most giving loving man I ever hoped to meet. I never knew I could be so happy and secure.
There are lots of good men out there. Don't settle for this loser

[weedinthepool]

AF I know, I know I've fucked it up again. I'm not going to carry on with this one though. I ended it and its going to stay ended.

Attila - I have had fuck all good templates for a relationship. Why do you think I ended up marrying and staying with a guy who battered and raped me? My virginity was taken from me by my cousin who raped me when I was 11. Of COURSE I have a warped template. My blue print and boundaries are shit. I just need to get it out on here because my verbal communication is shit, whereas my written is much better and I'm more honest. Respectful and loving two way relationships are such an alien concept to me that I'm going to wonder if shitty treatment is OK for me IYSWIM. It's my normal. I can't help think that being a bit selfish is a step better than having my jaw broken and a chunk bring bitten out if my shoulder. It's easy from a position of good self esteem and good mental health to say 'of course you deserve better' but its quite hard to believe it if you core beliefs scream something different.

[FenellaFellorick]

I'm really sorry. It's clear that you are dealing with a big load of horrible crap. Think of it like this. If you choose to be involved with him, knowing exactly what he is like, you won't have any right to moan when he is and remains exactly who he is.

Do you think a life with a selfish person will make you feel happy, loved, secure, equal, valued, important?

If so, you really are mistaken. You will feel that you are utterly utterly unimportant. Because you will be. What you want is never of any importance to a selfish person. I think that the very last thing in the world that would be good for you is to feel unimportant and of no value.

If that's what you choose to sign up to, you absolutely have that right. Just make sure that you do indeed accept that's your chosen life and find a way to be ok with that.

Or, if that doesn't actually sound like a fun and fulfilling life, you could get whatever help and support would work for you in order for you to aim higher.

i really really do hope you don't choose him. You deserve better.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I have been married, loads of relationship and life experience".

But not healthy experiences overall. If you were to look at that properly what amount of damaging lessons on relationships did you pick up along the way?. Quite a lot of damaging stuff I daresay.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

If he is selfish then this is doomed from the outset.

What do you get out of this "relationship" with this man?. Its purely on his terms. You are his fallback girl to his Mr Emotionally Unavailable.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. What sort of example did your own parents show you?. These are two questions that you really do need to ask your own self. You have learnt an awful lot of damaging stuff on relationships that needs to be unlearnt.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here?. What do you think your own children are learning about relationships here, the same nonsense that you did?. They deserve better and so do you frankly.

I think you act out co-dependent relationship behaviours when it comes to relationships. Do you also want to rescue and or save him or others, you must know by now that you cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship because those approaches simply do not work.

I also do not think you love him because you really have no proper template of reference, no-one seemingly bothered to ever show you what a mutually loving and respectful relationship is. Its certainly not with this man.

You are right in one respect; you still have a long way to go.
I would suggest you enrol on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid, read the Baggage Reclaim website and read "Co-dependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie.

[AnyFucker]

weed, what the hell are you doing ?

[weedinthepool]

I do love him. I wish I didn't. I wish I could say it is infatuation or rebound from the abuse or some other explanation. I'm not green around the gills, I have 3 dc', have been married, loads of relationship and life experience. It's completely emotion led, I know he's emotionally unavailable, I know he's selfish, I know he's a bit of a bastard. But I know I love him too. I'm not right to love him, in fact I feel an idiot. He was so hungover at 8pm yesterday that he couldn't talk to me on the phone. He's grossly immature. We are completely mismatched (he's a skint student who lives at home with his mum, I'm a professional, good job, own house etc) but my feelings are there I'll just have to get rid of them. To the poster who said does he want me back? Yes he does, he didn't want me to end it but has he done anything to 'win' me back? Nope, he's far too lazy and self centred to make that kind of effort. Emotionally he is actually quite open, he tells me he likes me, he wants to be with me but it has to be on his terms. I do admire his honesty and drive to live his life how he likes but if it makes me constantly disappointed I can't engage in a relationship with him. I'm so annoyed we with myself for letting my walls down for someone who can't meet my needs.

[TheLastCarnival]

Walk away now.

I knew my OH was "selfish" when I met him, he demonstrated that very early on, I thought I could live with it. He is much like you describe your ex, only does what he wants to when he wants regardless of anyone else's feelings, compromises occasionally but ensures that when he does everyone knows it and it makes for a miserable day/outing.

Having lived with his "selfishness" for years I am beginning to see it as control and abuse, I have a thread on here somewhere on which lots of people have also said this!

And as time goes on it gets more and more difficult to live with, there is only so much "coming last" that you can put up with it before it drags you down.

Do you really love him? Or are you in love with the idea of him? Are you so desperate for a relationship that you will put up with a major character flaw? (I was young, very naive and thought I needed a man when I fell for my OH, I now know very different!) What happens when a few months down the line you are heavily emotionally invested, maybe even moved in together and all the affection, the few minor compromises he is now choosing to make stop because he doesn't want to do it any more?

[Jan45]

He aint the only man left on earth, you sound like you are taking him cos there's no other alternative, there so is and you know it deep down.

[DrMorbius]

• it shows how little you mean to him.

[DrMorbius]

OP - Does he even want you back?
As he offered to change to "win" you back?
If he has offered no compromise to "win" you back, it shows Little you mean to him.
Sorry.

[3mum]

You owe it to yourself to make your next partner someone who makes you a priority. That is the essence of a decent relationship. He may have some good qualities but IMO he is not a keeper.

Move on and find someone better.

[weedinthepool]

I'm having weekly psychotherapy with rape crisis. It's apparent I have a long way to go. I feel a bit less hopeless today thanks all. I know I can't deal with the endless disappointment so I will just try to forget this guy.

[Janette123]

weedinthepool,
May I suggest you invest in some counselling to understand yourself better?

And you need to increase your self-esteem so you can make healthier choices emotionally.

You were smart to end a 10 year abusive marriage, so please don't go down the same road again.

[Lovelydiscusfish]

And you are NOT weak, don't think that for a second. You are a good person, to whom bad things have happened. You love some things about this guy, and dislike others. So you're conflicted. That doesn't make you weak, it makes you thoughtful, and human.

[Lovelydiscusfish]

I'm going to go against the grain here, and say yes, I think it is quite possible to be in a happy relationship with someone who is selfish. After all, loads of people are selfish, and they're not all single/in desperately unhappy relationships. On the plus side, it sounds like this bloke isn't a hypocrite, isn't trying to lead you down the garden path, is more of a "this is me, this is what I'll be like, take it or leave it, warts and all" kind of guy.
The red flags to me come more from your reaction to it. And I don't in any sense mean to imply that your reaction is wrong, by the way, far from it. But what you are not saying is "I love him, he dances to the beat of his own drum, I admire his single mindedness and honesty". What you are saying, essentially is "He's selfish, it's horrible, and what is worse is I'm locked into loving him anyway."
And therein lies your answer. He's not necessarily unloveable. But he won't make you happy, and you deserve to be.