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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheating boyfriend....14 week baby

35 replies

Emor88 · 15/06/2015 01:47

Hi all,

I had a baby with my partner 14 weeks ago. I live with him in a city away from my home town so no friends or family nearby. I don't drive, I have no money as I'm on maternity leave from work. Anyway, to cut a long story short I've just found out he is cheating on me and going by his past behaviour (not coming home on nights out etc) I don't think it's the first time. I love him but having watched my Mum become emotionally destroyed after trying to make her marriage work after an affair I know it's not right to stay. I would like to think in the future I might find someone who will love me and who I can trust although not feeling all that positive results right now.

I need to leave but no idea where to go from here considering I have no money. I won't take my daughter away from him as he loves her dearly so moving in with family who are far away is not an option. Who I do ring about benefits/housing? Would really appreciate any advice! Cant tell my mum and family at the moment either so can't go to them for advice.

Xxx

OP posts:

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 15/06/2015 05:44

Ah you poor thing. What a loser he is.
If you have no money to access then you need to present as homeless and the council will house you, but you may have to go back to your home town as they have criteria about who they will help. Depends how long you have lived where you are now. Google your local authority and 'local connection' and see what it comes up with.
As for benefits you need to apply for income support as soon as you can. I know you are still living with him but once you have made the decision to go and have a plan make the application. Do you get the tax credits and child benefit into your account already?

newnamesamegame · 15/06/2015 05:45

I am not an expert on these things but there will be others along soon who can help and I didn't want to read and run.

Very sorry to hear you are going through this but I think your instincts are absolutely correct. There will be a way to leave.

I think a first port of call might be to call or see CAB and start finding out what you are entitled to.

dollius · 15/06/2015 06:00

You wouldn't be taking his daughter away from him if you went back to your home town. He would be free to come and see her for contact. You need to put your needs first now and stop thinking of his.

Go home. You need the support right now.

And why do you have no money? Does he not share his earnings with you?

Wonkyparsnip · 15/06/2015 06:29

I agree with dollius. I think you need to put yourself and your baby first. Wouldn't it be better to go somewhere where you can get lots of support and help rather than stay somewhere just to make it easy for him? He can visit or change his lifestyle if he do wishes. He has brought this situation on himself and wasn't thinking of his daughters well being and your own family set up when he was off shagging others. Start packing and go. Good luck.

Whichseason · 15/06/2015 06:41

I think your baby should first in all this. For me that would mean moving home so you want give her some where to live and have lots of support for her and you. You said you don't want to repeat the pattern of your Mum's relationship, you need to break this cycle now so your daughter is less likely to be in this sitauation.

Congratuatlions on your baby. Now do what is best for her by showing her how to be a strong women.

twistletonsmythe · 15/06/2015 07:19

please don't stay local to him for his sake - think of yourself and what support you need. He has pissed all over your relationship - about time you thought about yourself and your baby and go home.

inaboxwithafox · 15/06/2015 07:26

Go home. Be with people who love and respect you. He clearly doesn't love your DD dearly if he's prepared to cheat on you. He's an utter piece of shit. I'm sorry

Original poster

Emor88 · 15/06/2015 07:36

Thanks everyone, I appreciate all the advice.

I think I'm in shock at moment- he doesn't even know that i know yet. He keeps asking me what's wrong but I found out by reading his phone and know that he'll argue with me about that.

Hard to go home- no one thought we would last and I guess they were right!

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 15/06/2015 07:39

Oh don't make your pride a reason not to go home! See it as a positive - they could be more ready to help you if they're expecting it!
What an arsehole he is.
Go home, he can move closer to you.

dollius · 15/06/2015 07:41

How is your relationship with your family? If they will be supportive and kind to you, esp with such a young baby, then go home. Just do it. It is your DPs problem how he sees his daughter and, btw, it is highly unlikely you will have to allow overnights with him until your daughter is at least 12 months old, in case that is another worry your have, esp if you are breast feeding.

00100001 · 15/06/2015 07:42

Speak to your mum, ask her to come and get you and baby if you can't travel.

Don't let pride be the reason to screw up your life.

Cabrinha · 15/06/2015 07:42

And just refuse to argue about the phone. You're in the right. You don't even need to tell him about the phone. You don't need to tell him how you know. He's cheating on you, it's over is all you need to know. Your decision to leave him isn't governed by a court of law - you don't need to give him proof.
If you tell him about the phone and he tries to argue, don't argue back, don't justify it beyond "you are cheating on me, any phone crap pales into insignificance". Sort out where you're going to move, go, then tell him. You can just refuse to argue.

Skiptonlass · 15/06/2015 08:42

Go home. You need support.

If he can't be faithful to you, he's lost any right to have all of his wishes accommodated. What's important now is you and the baby. Go home to where you will get the support you need.

HootyMcTooty · 15/06/2015 08:47

Pride isn't a good enough reason not to go home. You need to put yourself first and go home where people love you. Others have said, he's free to travel for contact if that's what he wants, but he forfeited any right for you to consider his needs when he cheated on you, his partner and the mother of his baby.

mojo17 · 15/06/2015 09:30

As you are in shock just please go home to people who really love you and want to look after you
There is no need to think of hi. In this situation as he hasn't thought of you
You need to go home and let people show you what love is so you are able to heal and take care of your lovely little one
Do t try and manage alone it won't be the best for you and your baby you need supporting

however · 15/06/2015 10:02

Go home. Look after yourself and your child. If he loves her he'll find a way to be in her life.

LazyLouLou · 15/06/2015 10:40

Go home. If they really don't like him/the way he treats you they will be really supportive.

And yes, he can travel to see his much loved daughter. Any really good dad would.

Pack up now and go! Don't bother explaining, he'll know why!

Original poster

Emor88 · 15/06/2015 12:15

I've spoken to him this morning- he said he hasn't been sleeping with this girl, he's only ever arranged to meet her a few times (in the messages I found he was booking a hotel for them) but he's never actually met up with her in the end. He said it was "banter" and it went too far!

OP posts:

Dontunderstand01 · 15/06/2015 12:21

Do you believe that emor? You were checking his phone for a reason, so there a trust issue there. You also mention he has form for staying outall night, which you are clearly, and rightly, not happy with. I would deduce from this that you don't trust him, and he doesn't respect you.

I think you need to ask yourself, do people really joke about bookinginto a hotel for a fling? Do you trust him, and does he respect you?

If I were in your shoes I would head back to your home town, and take some time out. If he is a brilliant dad and a lovely partner, he needs to prove it. Acting like this when you have a baby makes him a twat of the highest order imo.

Hippymama1 · 15/06/2015 12:53

You are entitled to some time to think this over and decide what you want to do... Go home for a week or so while you get your plans together... Providing you have a healthy and supportive relationship with your own family of course.

Meeting her a few times and booking a hotel is cheating. He's cheated on the mother of his newborn daughter. He's an idiot. You deserve better than this.

Congratulations on the birth of your little girl.

Becauseicannes · 15/06/2015 12:57

Even this 'banter' would have me running for the door. not an excuse at all.

LazyLouLou · 15/06/2015 13:15

No one in a relationship they value does that, Emor... nodbody!

Please, set aside your fear and embarrassment and think about your long term future.

Good luck

TinyDancer69 · 15/06/2015 13:18

He does not deserve you or your beautiful DD. Do the right thing and remove yourself from a horrible situation. He is a selfish prick and will not change. I found out in January that my exDP had been shagging someone , meeting in hotels - the lot. And had been since my gorgeous DS was only 5 months old. He is now almost 3. I
left him in May and he still doesn't know what I know. The proof made my decision a no-brainer. I'm so much happier away from him and relieved my son won't grow up in an environment where his father is a cheat and liar who completely disrespects his mother.

Go to the people who truly love and care for you and DD. You will be much happier and when the time is right you will meet someone worthy of you and DD.

Good luck - it's a horrible place to be when you should both be enjoying your DD.

flatbellyfella · 15/06/2015 13:26

Get back home to your mum, where you and your new born will be better off. He has set his new daughter a good example of his morals. Make him travel to show his so called love for her.

pocketsaviour · 15/06/2015 14:36

he said he hasn't been sleeping with this girl, he's only ever arranged to meet her a few times (in the messages I found he was booking a hotel for them) but he's never actually met up with her in the end. He said it was "banter" and it went too far!

If you believe that, I've got a fella who needs to move 6 million dollars out of Nigeria who's like to meet you.

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