Cheating boyfriend....14 week baby

[Emor88]

Hi all,

I had a baby with my partner 14 weeks ago. I live with him in a city away from my home town so no friends or family nearby. I don't drive, I have no money as I'm on maternity leave from work. Anyway, to cut a long story short I've just found out he is cheating on me and going by his past behaviour (not coming home on nights out etc) I don't think it's the first time. I love him but having watched my Mum become emotionally destroyed after trying to make her marriage work after an affair I know it's not right to stay. I would like to think in the future I might find someone who will love me and who I can trust although not feeling all that positive results right now.

I need to leave but no idea where to go from here considering I have no money. I won't take my daughter away from him as he loves her dearly so moving in with family who are far away is not an option. Who I do ring about benefits/housing? Would really appreciate any advice! Cant tell my mum and family at the moment either so can't go to them for advice.

Xxx

he isn't likely to admit the truth is he? And surely even if it was just 'banter' - (shudder, horrible word) - that is bad enough isn't it? And you say he has form for being unfaithful already? Not going to ever get any better is it?

How far away is your family - as in how many hours on the train? He's just going to have to bite the bullet on this one because what did he expect you to do when you found out? It's his fault, not yours. Don't bend over backwards for him. If he loves his daughter he will come and see you. Part of being a loving father is being loving and caring towards the mother imo and he's not done that for you. Also, your dd is so young that this adjustment won't cause her too much stress as you are her primary carer. And that makes you the most important person in her life. You need to be happy. Don't be ashamed to go back home - your family will want to help you in your moment of need.

Housing benefit takes ages to get going - they don't give it to you until you have secured another property and paid up the deposit + first month's rent, and ime after that they come up with all kinds of excuses as to why they don;t have the ball rolling and you end up trying to scrabble about for money for the next couple of months until they sort out the paperwork. It is extremely stressful. You would be far better off going home or asking him to move out and pay your rent (unlikely to happen, seeing as he is denying he has done anything).

Good luck and please speak to your mum/family

I'm in the North and my family and friends are far South. I think even though he is the one who has messed up it feels like I'm paying the price with what it's done to my confidence and it's only been a day. I'm annoyed I can't drive, annoyed I haven't got my own savings and just generally feel like an idiot. I feel foolish that I've let this happen to me after seeing it happen to my Mum and swearing I would never let a man do that to me.

I'm going to tell my Mum and friends soon, just trying to pluck up the courage to do that.

Thank you so much for your advice everyone x

Text your Mum now.

Arrange a hotel room to meet a women for sex is not appropriate in a relationship. If he has not had sex with her, which I doubt it is will be becuase she changed her mind. He is also taking money away from your daughter to shag someone else.

What is your relationship like with your Mum?

My relationship with Mum is relatively normal but she was wary of me having a baby with my partner because we hadn't been together that long. I was really headstrong and stubborn when anyone voiced their concerns because i loved him and now it's come back to bite me in the arse! I feel really embarrassed and stupid! I wish I hadn't looked at his phone. I know self pity can get annoying and I know for my daughter I need to pick myself up quickly!

Be glad you found out now. Text you Mum. Say you can't deal with so some saying I told you so but you want to move back home.

She will want you got of that situation. You have asked us for help now you need to ask somebody in real life.

Do you have a figure in mind in terms of how much you need to escape this situation?

If you were my DD, no matter how much i felt you had been foolish, if you called me i would whisk you back to my house in a minute. No recrimination, just lots of motherly love. Call her and tell her. She will be fine, i promise, and she may be able to help you out.

I think because I can't drive and live quite far away from home even moving my DD to mums is going to be expensive, living independently is something I can't consider at the moment because I can't afford it.

I'm going to tell my mum in the morning, going to spend the rest of this evening just trying to process it all myself!

Hugs x

I hope you do tell her and stay strong. A father sets an example to a daughter on how a woman should be treated, how she'll expect to be treated so please don't stay with him, if not for yourself for your daughter. Your oh is manipulative and will try to convince you that not only are you in the wrong but that it'll be foolish to go. It won't. You can show her by example that sometimes you need to be strong and better things will happen. They really will so go home and raise your daughter with love and trust.