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Original poster

were you ever the ow?

68 replies

vicarinatutu · 11/06/2015 01:26

and if so....how did it end? well? or not so well?
for the record no kids involved. either side.
did he leave?
how long did it take him?

OP posts:
Plarail123 · 11/06/2015 01:30

Yes, no, it never does. They never leave and if they do, you quickly become the OW yourself. Move on and find someone single who respects women.

AlpacaMyBags · 11/06/2015 02:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goddessofsmallthings · 11/06/2015 02:59

Why do you ask, vicar? Are you an ow or are you planning to become one?

GrumpleMe · 11/06/2015 03:44

It very, very rarely ends well - for anyone.

The most common scenario is:

  1. Betrayed Spouse finds out, wants to save marriage (at least at first)
  2. Cheating spouse does damage control at home, while trying to keep the OW on the hook OR after dumping the OW instantly
  3. Married partners try for months, or years, to overcome the infidelity.
  4. Usually, the cheating spouse can't or won't do what it takes to truly reconcile the marriage.
  5. The marriage continues on in a pretty sad state, or it ends further down the line.

You'll notice that the OW doesn't play much of a part. That's because the vast majority of OW who end up with their MM do so by default. It's very rarely a definite choice by the married man. Even if the marriage ends the very second the betrayed spouse finds out, it won't have been the MM's choice.

rambunctious · 11/06/2015 03:45

Yes. It never ends well, just involves a shed load of pain in all areas.
Don't do it.

Original poster
vicarinatutu · 11/06/2015 04:00

i ended my marriage of 25 years when i realised i had feelings for someone else. i didnt have an affair. i couldnt.
he didnt. his marriage has lasted 20 years. sexless for around 17 of those years.
no kids.

so im kind of in limbo. just sorting things out in my head. working out what is the likely end result. im hanging around for someone who wont commit and im too old for that.

ive seen threads on here asking if the relationship started as the OW.....there were plenty of answers with a happy ending. just weighing it all up.
i need to move forward. with or without him.

OP posts:
GrumpleMe · 11/06/2015 04:05

I think 'plenty' would be a stretch.

There are certainly relationships that start from infidelity. However, it's not common, and they have to overcome a mountain of devastation to even reach the starting line. Then, the relationship has the trials and tribulations that ALL relationships face - plus a whole lot of trust and guilt issues on top.

Happy ending? Possible, yes. Likely, no.

Unfortunately, most OW cling on to the tiny glimmer of 'possible'. :-(

Original poster
vicarinatutu · 11/06/2015 04:14

i remember a thread on here....something like did you start the relationship as the OW,,,,,

there were lots of positive replies.

yes i may be kidding myself.

he has never ever had an affair before. i have. so that makes me the one most likely to stray if thats the yardstick.

i was with dh for 27 years. within the first year we needed sex therapy. we were best friends who should have stayed that way.
he has always had erectile dysfunctiion with me.

i stuck with it until i met someone who really really did it for me. even then i ended the marriage before i slept with him.
now im alone. ill be fine but i want what i want. and thats him. he is much more cautious than me and is worried about the financial implications.

OP posts:
Original poster
vicarinatutu · 11/06/2015 04:17

i was 15 when i met my dh. by 17 we were in sex therapy. i stuck with him for 27 years.
i loved him and he was my best best friend and soulmate.
but not my husband.

im in my early 40s and i couldnt see this being "it" for ever. not after i met the OM.
i realised then was attraction was.

so im stuck. and old.

OP posts:
Original poster
vicarinatutu · 11/06/2015 04:35

please understand that i was very damaged goods....at 15 i needed stable....and my lovey dh gave me stable. i was homeless. and without family he rescued me from the streets and i was eternally grateful. so much so i married him without ever having any attraction to him, but i needed him in my life and he was my rock.

the latter years of our marriage meant me being drugged on anti depressants,
and sleeping pills
and generally unhappy without ever knowing why,

then i met the OM. and it mght not work out, i get that but i woke up.
and now im alone but awake and aching for something ive never had.

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 11/06/2015 04:47

I personally don't know many that have worked out. I completely understand you feeling so sad. However, you must find a way to move on.

Try and get yourself in the head space of being single and open to another different relationship. He will not be the only man that you will be attracted to. If he cannot separate from his wife, he is not the right man for you.

Try and concentrate in the physiological feelings and recognise them in a scientific way. Your brain has been flooded with endorphins (fancying/ attachment etc) and there will be another who can do that for you.

GrumpleMe · 11/06/2015 04:56

Maybe it would help if you thought of this man as the springboard you needed to leave your dead marriage.

But he doesn't have to be your landing place, and he probably can't be.

Vivacia · 11/06/2015 04:57

Why did you start this thread? To ask a question and then tell us another thread already answered it?

You say he reckons his marriage has been sexless for 17 years? How long have you been waiting for him to leave?

Original poster
vicarinatutu · 11/06/2015 05:01

i started the thread to chat. and ask opinion. not be judged.

ive been waiting for around 6 months,

OP posts:
Original poster
vicarinatutu · 11/06/2015 05:03

he had settled for his lot.
i hadnt.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 11/06/2015 06:03

Sorry, I was typing on an iPad and was blunt, I didn't mean to be judgey.

I think you did the right thing leaving your marriage.

Have you started a relationship with this man? No, I'll ask, are you in a relationship with this man now?

Isetan · 11/06/2015 06:20

You need to work through your shit, rather than latching onto another unsatisfactory relationship to fill the void. The high of being 'reawoken' is temporary, being someone's bit on the side will erode your self worth eventually.

Imi22sleeping · 11/06/2015 06:32

My dh had a f2f when I met him they were living together he left her for me . It wasn't marriage but it changed me as aa person I am very untrusting and our who pre life together is full of my paranoia we have a beautiful child and he would have left her anyway I think they weren't a marriage match but that whole part of my life ruined my future

GemmaTeller · 11/06/2015 06:35

Yes, and we've been together 20+years.

kittensinmydinner · 11/06/2015 06:36

Both in unhappy marriages. His hostile and bitter, mine friendly and lovely sexless brother/sister set up. Met in Dec he moved out April. Both ex spouses remarried now, we have been married over a decade. The sayings marry your mistress, create a vacancy, and once a cheater always a cheater are stupid and patronising. Sometimes can simply be married to the wrong person. .and anyone who has been through the car wreck that is affair /divorce /remarriage and all the associated fall out for those concerned, would never put themselves through it again unless they had some kind of weird personality disorder. The reason so many men have affairs rather than leave an unhappy marriage is actually nothing to do with the marriage, it's the sadness of losing their children. My Dh would have left his miserable first marriage five years before he did but didn't want to leave his kids, so put up with appalling behaviour (this continues to this day).. It was only meeting me that gave him the impetus to change his life and see that he could still have a good relationship with them without living there day to day.

Vivacia · 11/06/2015 06:43

I would take the approach of telling him I fancied him but I'm no man's bit on the side and get on with living my life.

waceystills · 11/06/2015 06:48

Similar story to kittens

Left my husband of 10 years, he left his fiance of 9 years. We are about to get married and we have two beautiful DSs.

I left my ex-husband 3 years ago and he is re-married and happy.

It was very messy when I left my husband but all worked out for all parties the end.

professornangnang · 11/06/2015 06:52

How do you know his marriage is sexless?

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 11/06/2015 07:29

It sounds like you did the right thing leaving your dh. And you know that. It sounds like you were very unhappy. Must be a huge relief to have woken up. I can relate to that.

Difficult though it is there are or have been positives with OM. And so you know that other relationships are 'possible' for you.

You say you are in your 40s and that you feel old. I know that it's not ideal to be on your own at that age. But really, it's not that old you know. I have many single friends of that age and much older. And I'm solo and probably ten years older than you.

Perhaps OM is there for a season or a reason for you but not a lifetime. Whichever...it sounds like it's time for you and him to make some choices. If this isn't working out it sounds like you need to step away at least for now maybe and have some fun on your own? If he steps up, then you can then see if you're still keen, if he doesn't then having moved away from him you will be much better off.

NeverHadHaveHas · 11/06/2015 07:42

Yes I was OW briefly. DH and I were both engaged to other people but when we met it became clear that we couldn't go through with those weddings.

We left our respective partners and although the first year was tricky (some insecurities around previous relationships but we worked through those) we have been together for ten very happy years now with beautiful DC's.

I regret bitterly how we met and the hurt caused but I can only say that when I met him it was - 'oh, this is how it should feel', and I'm pretty sure he would say the same.

I think it's slightly different in our situation though as there were no children involved and we were in our early/mid twenties without a huge shared history with our respective partners.