were you ever the ow?

[vicarinatutu]

and if so....how did it end? well? or not so well?
for the record no kids involved. either side.
did he leave?
how long did it take him?

[nottheowanymore]

test

[nottheowanymore]

I was the OW, for four years on and off.

DP was the OM for a while.

We left our partners.
We're together now, and very happy.

[flanjabelle]

I do think that its a certain sort of person who can cheat on their spouse. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I could not ever enter a relationship with someone who is willing to do that to someone, no matter what the "excuse".

Whether the marriage is sexless, the wife is a narc/crazy, they are staying together for the kids, etc etc they still knowingly deceived their spouse to get what they wanted. If it's that bad end it. There is no excuse. why humiliate their spouse? The flaws in their character that cheating shows up would be a deal breaker for me.

Op find someone who wants you and you alone. not this man who is happy to have his cake and eat it at the expense of your feelings.

You aren't too old, this is the perfect time to find your perfect man, and if they are married to someone else, they aren't perfect. If he wanted you, he would have left her for you.

[rambunctious]

I had an eight month affair with a MM. His wife found out and he eventually ended it, after shilly-shallying between us for a couple of weeks. I was absolutely devastated as I'd thought that I really loved that man. I broke up with my DH, as I didn't feel I could live with him knowing that I'd cheated.
Now, six years on, I'm older and wiser. The OM and I wouldn't have worked out; the relationship was probably built on the drama and intrigue of the affair itself, rather than any shared values. On a day to day basis he would have driven me nuts!
I still feel very guilty about his wife, as I imagine it is something that never really leaves a relationship.

[ivykaty44]

Vicar, my exmil left her husband for a mm and that was in 1986, they are still together. I know of another couple of affairs that have lasted and there is a reason, its because they were exit affairs at the end of a marriage.

[OvertiredandConfused]

I have a friend who ended his marriage for OW - found out they'd had an four year affair. Whilst not approving of that AT ALL, I can clearly see how much happier he is and how much better suited his new partner is for him.

If OM hasn't left his DW now, he probably never will. Sorry.

[pocketsaviour]

Yep, when I was much younger (18 maybe?)

He was my boss at work, I was in a EA and PA relationship, which he encouraged me to leave (thank god someone did.) We'd bang in the office. After a while he got relocated to another area but we'd meet up occasionally for car sex (which was less than satisfying, frankly) and drinks (that was more the fun part.)

I suppose we saw each other for about a year, then he told me he and his wife were going to try to get pregnant, so we ended things amicably.

That's probably not the "it ended well" story you were looking for, since I would never have wanted him to leave his wife. I don't think we'd have been matched as a couple, we were just great in bed together.

Regards your bloke - so he doesn't want to leave his wife because he might have to split his marital assets fairly and legally? What a prince. I would not be impressed with that.

[Vivacia]

To this day no one knows we had an affair.

This makes me feel so sad and a bit angry. It totally refuses to acknowledge all of those nagging doubts and half truths that the partners will feel. These suspicions will play on their minds, but they'll never know for sure... Just feeling a little bit crazy.

[isseywithcats]

i inadvertantly became the OW due it being a long distance relationship, i really did not know this was what i was, eventually his partner found out about me and he moved in with me, i still did not know he was living with her as he had told me they were seperated, bit by bit the truth came out i found out after we had married, and 8 years down the line i was the one throwing him out of the house because it was the third time i had found out he had cheated on me so no it does not usually end well and cheaters rarely change their habits

[Bahh]

Yes, but he wasn't married. They had already separated, he was with his 'rebound' when I met him. I was engaged to a horrible man. We both felt terrible but it was one of those ridiculous all consuming intense "we're in love" things. We both left our OHs for each other, neither of them found out. That doesn't make it okay, and we often think about what we did and why it was wrong. We've been together almost two years now.

I trust him, but you can never know 100% and if we're thinking 'once a cheater always a cheater', I'm just as likely aren't I. I'm less naive than I was when I first met him. I would survive if he did it to me.

[avrilinca]

Yes. I left my husband well before anything happened. He never said he didn't love his wife or that they didn't sleep together, but he did say it was a practical partnership and their life worked, and that he wouldn't leave. Affair ended (more or less every time we saw each other, and then fully) after maybe 18 months. We both (especially me) were going through HORRENDOUS personal things at the time. That was 2 years ago and we are sporadically in touch. He told her, she emailed me, it was a fucking mess. As far as I know he's in the process of leaving her but I've moved on and am FAR too happy single to entertain the kind of relationship I think he'd want. I care very deeply about him and wish him well. I hope we could be friends one day as I miss talking to him and having him in my life. I doubt it, though. It was all too horrible for everyone. For him it's all about denial and engagement. He thought he could suppress certain parts of himself and he can't. I don't think that's uncommon. Marriage as a form is something we have to mould ourselves to, more or less successfully.

[flatbellyfella]

Hi vicar good to see you re appear on MN, sorry it's a sad posting for you, hope you can come to a good place soon.

[ChillySundays]

Hi vicar. Recognized you name.

Not proud of it but I was the OW, Been together over 20 years now.

[crazyhead]

I got involved with a mm years ago when my own relationship was on the rocks. We worked together. He left his wife but I split it up as I wanted to be alone and he went back to her later and they saved it. I think if we hadn't sat next to each other at work it would have never got beyond a snog that helped me leave my wrong relationship. It was years before I got into the right relationship. However I personally needed those years

[vicarinatutu]

thank you for the honest responses.

i think things have moved on but cant go into detail. I appreciate the replies. all of them.

[goddessofsmallthings]

20 year marriage, 17 of them sexless, and no dc?

I sincerely hope that it's you who's moved on, vicar, because this man clearly has strong ties to his dw and, if he leaves her to be with you, it could be he'll go back to her or that you'll become a stepping stone for him to form a future guilt-free relationship with another woman.

Given your past history, you should be exceedingly careful what you wish for as you may not be best placed to make sound judgements when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex.