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Original poster

Telling an online date you're a bit of a porker?

32 replies

Ringovandingo · 09/06/2015 15:42

Been talking to someone from tinder on whatsapp since the beginning of January, we live about 20 miles from each other, not met up yet but we're planning to this weekend.

I'm a size 18 and I've kind of never told him! I had no intentions Of meeting anyone and just wanted a chat in the evenings but I've grown to like him a bit and do want to meet to see if there's anything there

I'm not sure whether to mention my size or not? I've sent him selfies but they were quite flattering, you know the drill head shots and from an angle so you look lovely! I've said I'm not skinny but that's about it and it was a while ago.

Any advice? Shall I drop it in conversation now so he can make his excuses or do I just meet anyway then write him off if it turns out he's shallow?

OP posts:

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 09/06/2015 15:58

You sound like you're new to online dating (or whatever the kids call it these days). Don't drop it into the conversation, just send him (and anyone else) a couple of pics that show more of you than head & shoulders. And expect people to just stop talking to you without explanation, not because you're one size or another but just because. Because they will and they do and you will ignore people who would want you to talk to them. That's how it goes. And if you do arrange to meet, have a date buddy who knows where you are going, knows what you know about WHO you are meeting and will call you half an hour later to give you an 'out'. Also, DON'T get drunk. Give him an hour then leave it. If he likes you he'll want to see you again. 20 miles away is a long way, do you live somewhere rural? Even if you were just going round the corner I would urge you to have a very clear idea of how you were going to get home afterwards. Could your buddy meet you?

HavenKimmel · 09/06/2015 16:02

I would try to think of a lighthearted way to tell him ahead of time. He might think all his Christmasses have come at once, but on the other hand, it would be awful for you if he felt mislead and reacted badly, which he might.

It's not about being shallow, it's about how he's wired up and what he finds physically attractive. I prefer heavy set men, it's just what I'm attracted to. Plenty of men prefer curvy women - it's a waste of both of your time if he isn't one of them and will make things much easier on both of you to know what to expect ahead of time.

Good luck.

SugarOnTop · 09/06/2015 16:23

i don't think you do need to tell him - it's your personality that matters not your size.

however, just as a basic courtesy considering it's an online thing and he might have his own preferences when it comes to size, i'd do what notgrumpy suggested re the photo. that way if it does matter to him then he can make his excuses and bow out without wasting your time and energy in meeting up.

fieldfare · 09/06/2015 16:30

Send an honest pic, I agree with what's been said - that way he can bow out if he feels the need.

Dosydoly · 09/06/2015 16:45

If you were really really slim would you drop it in to conversation? If not then you have your answer :) good luck and have fun!

goddessofsmallthings · 09/06/2015 18:32

I agree with Dosy.

Do you know what size he is? Would it put you off meeting if he's a skinny rake or a lardarse?

How tall are you? A woman who's 5'10" and size 18 can look considerably slimmer than another same size gal who's 5'3".

If you're overly body conscious perhaps ol dating is not for you.

Lipgloss74 · 09/06/2015 19:05

I am a happy size 18 and have used online dating before- I describe myself as curvy, and in conversation I usually bring up jokey things and being a bigger girl- not had any complaints. Not all men like stick insects x

monkina · 09/06/2015 19:57

I'm a size 16-18 but I'm 5ft10, so friends are always surprised when I tell them I'm "plus sized" (I hate that phrase BTW!!). So I agree with previous poster, size 18 doesn't necessarily mean you appear "big". On the positive side many men like women to have " curves" so even if you're not tall, it may not be a negative thing for him?....

I'd do as others have suggested & send some full length photos before you meet, I wouldn't feel pressured to tell him your dress size. Hope that helps! Good luck :)

flatbellyfella · 09/06/2015 21:07

Lucky man will be getting more woman than just skin & bones.

Gabilan · 09/06/2015 21:12

"It's not about being shallow, it's about how he's wired up and what he finds physically attractive"

I agree with this. I prefer slim, muscular men. That's just what I'm wired to find physically attractive and that attraction is important to me in a relationship. Some people are shallow in their choices in that they are looking for a kind of trophy partner they think others will find attractive rather just someone they fancy themselves. Fortunately different people just find different body types attractive.

Gabilan · 09/06/2015 21:14

Do we people have to use terms like "skin and bones" and "stick insect"? Some people are just slim, there's no need to be rude about it.

Mintyy · 09/06/2015 21:16

I just think its a good idea to post an honest photo, rather than one that shows you in a flattering light. This goes for everyone of both sexes, all ages and all sizes. If you are at the stage where you are about to meet up then why not?

MadisonMontgomery · 09/06/2015 21:19

I would probably ensure that he sees a pic before you meet up. I don't think I'm particularly huge, I'm a 14, but my online dating pic was just a headshot - I'd been chatting to someone for ages & got on really well, we met up & he basically said he thought I would be thinner & he wasn't interested. Fair enough, but it meant I'd wasted time & got emotionally invested for nothing.

Fleecyleesy · 09/06/2015 21:21

How tall are you?

ShadowsInTheDarkness · 09/06/2015 21:27

Yep I agree with Gabilan let's not do this whole lay into each other thing. Women come in all shapes and sizes, and are beautiful and attractive no matter what size they are. There is no need to attack each other. We could all just try loving ourselves and each other could we not?

singleusenick · 10/06/2015 09:16

If someone allows someone to have an impression of them online that turns out to be different in real life, whether it's about size or anything else, people feel lied to and deceived and it puts them off continuing - even if the thing wouldn't have been a dealbreaker if it had been known from the beginning.

People try to hide things they think others might be put off by, and hope that by the time comes the other person will be so interested in their personality that whatever the thing is won't matter, but all that happens is the other person feels misled and pissed off. Then of course they can be labelled as shallow.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/06/2015 09:19

You've been chatting for 6 months and haven't met yet? Way to set yourself up for a let down.

Tryharder · 10/06/2015 09:23

I don't think the OP has lied to the potential date.

She's sent him a flattering photo. Don't we all post only flattering photos of ourselves?

No flattering photo will portray you as a size 8 of you're a size 18. Sure he's well aware that you are the size you are OP and is happy with that.

I hate this assumption that if you're not a size 8 you have to start warning people about it or preparing them for the shock.

Just go to your date OP. and let us know how it went

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 10/06/2015 10:38

I know a man who agreed to meet a woman he'd met online. She'd sent him an photo of herself which was from the chest up. He soon realised why it wasn't a full body picture because apparently she was huge below the chest. He just didn't find her attractive and also felt a bit duped because clearly she'd only sent a picture that hid the part she reckoned would put him off. He learned the hard way that if photos don't show something there may a reason, and hopefully she learned to be a bit more up front/honest about her appearance. His preference was for women who were a bit slimmer, whereas the next man may prefer a woman with more flesh on her bones. Just be honest.

singleusenick · 10/06/2015 10:39

I don't think the OP has lied either. I said people can feel lied to, and it's not just about weight. It can be anything where it appears that something has been concealed. It can be anything. I've been in that situation (it wasn't weight), and have discussed this exact issue with guys who do online dating. They do feel duped, and it's also insulting.

It's not that people have to "warn" people they are not a size 8. It would be the same if someone had pictures of them as a size 20 in their profile and arrived having lost 5 stone.

Anyway, if the guy is not going to be bothered or feel differently at the date, then he won't feel any different being told.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 10/06/2015 10:41

I'd be more concerned about the fact you have been chatting for so long and haven't met yet. Any reason for that? I've been OD for a while and try and meet in person within 2 weeks so I can filter out the ones I don't like.

As for the size thing, don't worry about it. He will either like it or he won't. And if he doesn't then he's not the one for you and it's time to find someone who does like ladies with your figure.

Optimist1 · 10/06/2015 10:46

As an aside, I'd lay money on the fact that there's something about him that he's obscured or fibbed about, too! (Most likely height, but possibly age IME.)

teacupnic · 10/06/2015 10:49

Maybe send a full length, 'warts and all' pic and ask for the same. You can always say it's so you'll recognise each other for sure when you meet.

I'm bigger than you and have found glad it's best to make some reference to your body type, as there are some who just prefer a slimmer woman. The opposite is true also! However, as you have already said you're not skinny. He could reach his own conclusions there, or ask for a full length pic. He may simply not be bothered by body size.

Hope it goes well OP.

pocketsaviour · 10/06/2015 10:57

I can only assume those saying "Hey, just meet him, it doesn't matter!" have never been on a date and then seen the look of disappointment in their date's eyes and received the "It's not you, it's me... I just thought you'd be... smaller" line.

I would send him a recent full body photo, not with a "Hey you might not realise I'm a big girl" message but just something like "my friend took this today while we were out" or whatever. If he goes silent, you'll know he only like smaller girls.

If you do intend to meet people through OLD then I'd always include a full body pic amongst your profile pics. Saves a lot of hassle and worry.

Twinklestein · 10/06/2015 11:02

He may be completely fine with it, some men actively prefer larger women.

If he were going to reject you on the basis of size, what would be less painful - from a pic, or having seen you in person?

Another time I would flag it early on.

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