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Original poster

DH and my operation

28 replies

gelwax · 07/06/2015 00:36

I've got a lump (the docs do not think it's cancer at all - just something minor). It's been on the cards for a while. They need to check what's going on. Fine. They need to do a GA. Bit scary, but fine. My letter came through today with op date. DH starts talking about DM dropping me off and collecting me and looking after me day after.

Am I awful to think that this is a bit piss poor? Why wouldn't he take me?! When I asked him, he said he'd not thought and that he'd get docked two days' pay if he were to come.

Obviously, I gave him the "WTAF SERIOUSLY ARE YOU KIDDING ME OMG" treatment, but… what the hell was that? Should he not assume he'd come? Is this weird, or am I high maintenance? IDEK anymore.

OP posts:

hiddenhome · 07/06/2015 00:40

I guess he's just thinking practically by not wanting to lose two days pay.

Men often hate hospitals and illness and will want to avoid at all costs. It could be a bit of that as well.

Hope you feel better soon.

BiscuitMillionaire · 07/06/2015 00:42

I would feel disappointed and a bit let down too.

CaptainHolt · 07/06/2015 00:50

Not high maintenance at all. Who the hell does he work for that he can't get 2 days leave when his wife is having an op?

Men often hate hospitals and illness and will want to avoid at all costs Whereas women love them so much that they should be completely unsupported whilst they are ill. I mean seriously, is there anyone who likes illness?

SanityClause · 07/06/2015 00:53

Oh, yeh, men hate hospitals. It's something to do with their penises getting stuck in the hospital beds, or the doors, or the machines that go "ping", or something.

Women don't have this problem, so are able to spend vast swathes of their life, looking after family and friends in hospitals, and taking them to and from, etc.

Horsemad · 07/06/2015 07:27

If you want him with you then he should be; but to be fair, if I were in that situation I'd probably prefer my DM to look after me than my DH who is rubbish with illness.

Cancookdontcook · 07/06/2015 07:56

If it's something 'minor' as you say, I wouldn't be too bothered. I suppose I would like him to take me or pick me up if he could. Can't he just leave work early or something?

Penfold007 · 07/06/2015 08:01

I understand your annoyance and disappointment but can the family finances cope with the loss of two days pay? Especially as you both might not get paid.

kittensinmydinner · 07/06/2015 08:47

I would be so beyond hacked off if DH took two days UNPAID to take me to the hospital, especially if dm/anyone retired available and happy to do it instead....as in OPs own words, procedure is minor.

PowderMum · 07/06/2015 09:05

My DH wouldn't be docked pay to take me but I still chose my DM last time I needed something similar.

Same as when in the late stages of pregnancy I needed to go to the hospital nearly daily my DM took me as it involved hanging around and if he had missed loads of time off then it would have made paternity leave harder, as in he wouldn't have been up to date on all his projects.

But I am very independent and go to all medical appointments alone even the potentially scary ones.

firesidechat · 07/06/2015 11:44

Men often hate hospitals and illness and will want to avoid at all costs. It could be a bit of that as well.

Oh great, another example of generalised rubbish about men. The poor little darlings. How on earth do they cope in the real world without us sensible women folk.

Yes op, I would be upset too if my husband wouldn't take some time off to be with me for at least some of the time. I've been at countless hospital appointments with my husband and am always there when he is coming round from a ga. He would do the same for me.

firesidechat · 07/06/2015 11:46

Is it your mum that he is suggesting comes with you or his?

firesidechat · 07/06/2015 11:48

I went to all the hospital appointments alone too when I was pregnant (apart from the scan) but a ga is slightly different. I've done that by myself too, but I would always prefer to have my husband there when I woke up.

rookiemere · 07/06/2015 11:53

Sitting on the fence on this one.

It is something minor as you say and losing two days pay is quite a lot for most families.

I don't think it's to do with him being a man, I think he has come up with the practical solution i.e. DM goes so you don't lose family income, rather than talking it through with you first to see what you prefer. Would you feel better if he accompanied you to the op and your DM looked after you the day after?

In your circumstances I would prefer that we as a family didn't lose out on the money as DH is a contractor, but I have had GA before so I know what it entails.

MatildaTheCat · 07/06/2015 11:57

It sounds as if he's tried to make arrangements for you to be taken,stayed with and looked after the next day so that you as a family don't lose two days' pay. I can see that perhaps you'd prefer it if he made a fuss of you and insisted on being there with you but frankly it sounds as if he's done his best and been considerate in finding a solution.

When I have needed surgery DH worked whenever he could and went to play some golf whilst I was in theatre . He could have paced the floors but it might not have helped much.

Save the major dramatics for a time they are needed. Trust me, I know this. Good luck with the operation.

Aussiemum78 · 07/06/2015 11:58

Is it a full operation or a biopsy under GA?

If it's just a minor day surgery I wouldn't mind who took me.

Presumably he will be there after your op even if he's not hanging around all day. Maybe he can leave work a little early?

findingmyfeet12 · 07/06/2015 12:00

It depends on your circumstances.

At the moment I'd rather go alone than take dp as he is self employed and couldn't take time off.

My dp would still offer though.

wheresthebeach · 07/06/2015 12:04

I think you should tell him what you want. Yes it's minor but it's still scary. I would want Dh there. You may also want him at the appointment to get the results.

I've had more hospital appointments than hot dinners. I let dh know which ones I want him at and which ones I go alone.

The lack of offering to support would upset me as would assuming some else would be there without discussion.

TheFairyCaravan · 07/06/2015 12:05

I can't see the problem with this. If my DH was going to lose 2 days pay and there was someone else perfectly capable of looking after me, I'd be more than happy.

I've just had major surgery (again). DH had the first 3 days as compassionate leave then the next 10 as annual leave. The follow up appointments he takes me to they just give him the day off. We have no-one else nearby as DH is Forces, as is DS1 and DS2 is in the middle of his A levels.

Joysmum · 07/06/2015 12:08

My DH would expect me to let everyone know what I wanted/needed.

I'm the organiser in this house and he's not a mind reader.

TokenGinger · 07/06/2015 12:22

I can't see why you'd want him to lose two day's pay if it's only a minor procedure.

eyebags63 · 07/06/2015 12:44

Personally I would rather not lose 2 days income to the household but I guess it depends on how comfortable you are money wise.

I think you are a bit unreasonable to expect him to know your wishes if you haven't made them clear and I'm also not sure your wishes are entirely reasonable for a minor day case operation. Surely it is better that he keeps the unpaid leave and good will of his employer for an emergency situation or if any complications should arise?

pocketsaviour · 07/06/2015 13:39

If you want him with you, tell him. But I think his instinct that he needs to keep earning money whereas presumably your DM doesn't, would sound logical and fair to me.

When I had my first ever GA I told my H to go home before they even took me down to theatre. I just asked the nurses to ring him after I woke up and knew roughly what time I'd be discharged.

When he had spinal surgery I went home after he went to theatre and just rang the ward later to see how he got on.

I honestly can't see the point of having someone just sitting wasting time by an empty bed for 3-4hrs while the car park charges mount up and you're unconscious.

ImperialBlether · 07/06/2015 14:11

It depends on his job as to whether he'd lose the money, surely?

Lonecatwithkitten · 07/06/2015 14:29

I had a GA when I was with ExH which he came and waited for me. The entire time he huffed and puffed about indispensable he was at work. I then had another surgery under local in the evening so he didn't miss work he huffed and puffed about how long it all took.
I kicked his cheating arse out.
I need investigations and excisional biopsy under GA for breast cancer - I did the whole lot alone it was sooooo much better.

If he doesn't want to be there he will make the time a misery. Your DM is a much better option, but actually alone is pretty good,

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/06/2015 14:35

All he had to do was ask if you want him to go with you. It's nice to be asked. I don't think that's being 'high maintenance'.

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