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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is out with OW tonight

47 replies

TheWhiteFlag · 06/06/2015 20:07

We're in the process of separating, but due to financial issues we still live together. I feel lonely and weepy. I don't know what I want from this thread. Hand-holding I guess. :( Feel so very down and so, so lonely. Can't go to see friends as I have to look after the children tonight, so I'm stuck here on my own behind a laptop.

OP posts:
tribpot · 06/06/2015 20:11

So next Saturday night you'll go out whilst he stays in with the children? Could friends come to you? (Not tonight perhaps but next time).

Do you have things to distract you? Netflix?

Shadow1986 · 06/06/2015 20:11

That's horrible poor you.

Make sure you get a night out next weekend, he can stay in with the children. You can get dressed up and go for cocktails. Best thing to do when you feel lonely is to push yourself to be sociable, even if it's not what you feel like doing.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 06/06/2015 20:11

Hand holding from me Flowers, sorry op, it must be very tough.

LizzieVereker · 06/06/2015 20:12

Oh I am sorry, that must be terribly hard. Do you have a friend who might be able to come and keep you company? When do you think you will be able to separate properly? Perhaps that will make the situation easier in a way. How are your DC?

Sorry for all the questions, just trying to chat to keep you company. Obviously don't answer if you don't want to. Flowers

Original poster
TheWhiteFlag · 06/06/2015 20:13

I'm sat here crying and I feel panic-stricken. I'm scared by my body's response. It wouldn't have been so bad if he had warned be but he literally answered the phone then told me to put the kids to bed and left.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWhiteFlag · 06/06/2015 20:14

Why do I feel so upset and sick to my stomach? My stomach is literally churning and I feel like it's harder to breathe.

OP posts:
AuditAngel · 06/06/2015 20:15

Sorry, that must be really tough. When XDP and I split up we stayed living together for a little while to sort things out. We didn't have kids, but he still thought he could control what I did and where I went.

Let him know early that you'll be out next weekend (even if you sit in the pub with a book)

CMP69 · 06/06/2015 20:16

Get dolled up and go out next Saturday, with your best fuck you face on Wink

HermioneWeasley · 06/06/2015 20:16

Sounds tough, but his hideous behaviour will mean that you won't weaken and take him back or try again. Flowers

Original poster
TheWhiteFlag · 06/06/2015 20:18

Thanks everyone.

I feel so overwhelmed by the way my body is responding to this. I thought I had got my anxiety under wraps after years of suffering, but seemingly not.

OP posts:
Hassled · 06/06/2015 20:18

While you're still living together, going out with the OW is just rubbing your face in it - it seems cruel. He should be treating you with some respect and consideration.

What are the financial reasons? Is there no-one's sofa he could sleep on?

tribpot · 06/06/2015 20:19

he literally answered the phone then told me to put the kids to bed and left.

Wow. That's fucking charming. Is he coming back tonight? Could you assume he isn't and put the chain on the door?

I think you've been putting up a good front and now you have a quiet space it's starting to bubble back up to the surface - try to let it out. Hopefully it will soon turn to anger - he's got some nerve.

ReallyNotMe · 06/06/2015 20:20

Ahh, I have been in the same situation (without kids) years ago. It was 6 weeks before I felt up to having a night out and every weekend for those 6 weeks he would be off out with the woman he left me for.

In the end my friends dragged me out for a meal and drinks, and a wonderful, extremely handsome Irish man bought me a drink just as the ex walked into the bar. The look on his face was priceless :)

I think all you can do in these situations is take it one day at a time, keep reminding yourself that one day this will just be a memory and you will be happy again. Anything you can do to keep busy is great as it distracts you while the healing process starts.

If you can try to get out for a walk every day - I know that's easier said than done when you have kids to look after - but I found it so helpful for clearing my head and lifting my spirits.

iloverunning36 · 06/06/2015 20:21

That's horrible, no wonder you are so upset. You are married for gods sake, he could at least be a bit more discreet. I hope you can get out next weekend with your pals or even just to a friends house for a relaxing glass of wine Flowers

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 06/06/2015 20:21

It must be tearing you apart op. Talk about them rubbing salt in the wounds.
The sooner he moves out the better, as it damaging your well being and self esteem which will have an effect on your children.
Did you split up because he went with ow or did he meet her since. Either scenario I hope to God he's not going to be bringing her back later on. I mean there's heartless nasty twunts out there but surely no one would be that insensitive.
Surely to God.Flowers

Original poster
TheWhiteFlag · 06/06/2015 20:25

now you have a quiet space it's starting to bubble back up to the surface - try to let it out.

I'm having a good cry - weep even.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 06/06/2015 20:28

what a horrible way to treat you. Am sorry.

hope you can live separately soon and be away from the situation.

Original poster
TheWhiteFlag · 06/06/2015 20:31

Does anyone know any tips to cheer myself up? I've tried finding funny stuff on TV but there's nothing.

OP posts:
Hidingmyidentity · 06/06/2015 20:33

You have the DCs, he is the one who has nothing. Two cheaters having a night out together, nothing to be upset about really, they deserve each other.

TokenGinger · 06/06/2015 20:37

Something to cheer yourself up, hmmmm.

www.thomson.co.uk

Look at a holiday for you and the DC. Better still, look for a holiday for you and your best girl friend and tell DH he's going to be having the kids whilst you get a well-needed break away!

I recommend Hotel Royal Kenz in Tunisia through Thomson for an all inclusive getaway at a cheap cost but with fantastic service and food. Xx

pigwitch · 06/06/2015 20:38

You need to try and get him out of the house. He should be saving his money to move out of the family home not squandering his cash on his new girlfriend.

Hussarsataparty · 06/06/2015 20:39

Hiding has it. What a charming pair they are. I think it's perfectly natural to be upset about this.

Go and look at the sleeping faces of your DC (if they're asleep, that is!). You're their champion. Look after yourself xx

withalittlebitofluck · 06/06/2015 20:39

Where abouts are you op?
My childish head comes over me here... Prank calls? (On withheld number) locking him out, doing something to his clothes. Being stupid with his Facebook.

Sounds like you need to call a friend to bring some wine.

Hugs for you op Flowers

Hussarsataparty · 06/06/2015 20:40

Oops - meant Hiding !! Doh.

ReallyNotMe · 06/06/2015 20:45

I remember doing things that I couldn't really do when I was in the relationship. For example, ex loved me having long hair and always moaned at me when I mentioned cutting it, so I went and got long layers cut in. He wasn't keen on anything other than traditional English food, so I went back to making myself lots of curries and ordering food that he would never eat. The hours I'd have wasted watching some crappy film with him I used to read a good book instead.

Basically anything that reminded me what I had gained by losing him, complete control of my own time and body. I didn't have to put up with spending every Sunday with his family (who were lovely btw) and could make my own plans instead. Didn't have to see him scowl when I tried on a pair of high boots that he thought were 'trashy' or have to listen to a monologue every night about his stressful job!

What kind of things did you do when you were single that you have lost track of, did you have any hobbies that have been lost by the wayside? Any friendships which have waned? Most relationships involve some sacrifices whether major or minor, and when your relationship ends the best silver lining is that you don't have to compromise any more.