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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

feelings post divorce

27 replies

cestferme · 06/06/2015 10:44

Are feelings of bitterness/anger post divorce normal? Not for the loss of the relationship per se, but the loss of family unit, lost opportunity to raise children in a 2 parent family etc. And how do you get over/ come to terms with them - is it possible to put this aside and in time consider marrying again?

OP posts:

Noneedtoworryatall · 06/06/2015 10:58

Yes yes yes op. It's normal to feel like you do now.

I felt exactly the same but in my case I had felt like I was flogging a dead horse for years so I came to terms with the end before the end if that makes sense.

Dowser · 06/06/2015 11:11

Yes, perfectly normal to feel anger and grief.

Same with a parent that you cut out and they die. You can grieve for the lovely relationship that you felt you should have had as well as angry for the one you had!

FlabulousChix · 06/06/2015 11:21

Why do you need to be married again? What about enjoying being a parent to your children without the need for a partner?

Original poster

cestferme · 06/06/2015 11:30

I should have been clearer, I am in a relationship with someone who has these feelings post their divorce - we are very happy and I would like us to marry one day, however he is quite anti marriage, and I was wondering if this was to be expected (I've never been married) and if it might change in future.

OP posts:

Dowser · 06/06/2015 12:05

Counselling for him? He's bringing his baggage into your new relationship and he needs to work on those feelings.

Original poster

cestferme · 06/06/2015 12:28

I don't know how he'd feel about counselling, he and his ExW went to a number of sessions whilst still married and I don't think he found the that helpful.

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handfulofcottonbuds · 06/06/2015 12:33

He has admitted to you that is how he feels? Is he ready for a relationship? That must make you feel awful.

I understand on the marriage front though, if he's newly divorced, it will be the last thing on his mind but things change.

Original poster

cestferme · 06/06/2015 12:49

He entered into marriage thinking it was for life - whilst he is very definitely far happier with me than he ever was with his ExW, he still feels very sad/bitter/angry at times over the loss of the marriage and what it represented, being marginalised from his DC lives etc, yes he's told me all that. And because this has shaken his whole perception and belief of marriage he doesn't know if he'd want to marry again.

He's been divorced for just over a year, we've been together for 18 months. His marriage ended about 2.5 years ago.

OP posts:

handfulofcottonbuds · 06/06/2015 13:07

It's good that he's being open with you but he needs to understand that this is upsetting for you.

I wouldn't focus on the marriage thing, if it's meant to be then his feelings towards this may change in time but you haven't been together that long.

Can you say why they divorced as I believe this is key to how people react to divorce.

Rebecca2014 · 06/06/2015 13:14

I am going through a divorce and I feel that intense loss, it really sucks your child won't grow up with a mother and father living in the same household and I get jealous when I see families out and about.

Your partner may want make sure you two are the real deal, you have only been together 18 months. Give him a bit longer and he may feel differently.

Original poster

cestferme · 06/06/2015 13:15

The split was instigated by his ExW as she was unhappy. Apparently she had been for years since well before DC came along but she wanted a family. she divorced him due to unreasonable behaviour (which I don't think was, but then I'm a very different person to her).

OP posts:

handfulofcottonbuds · 06/06/2015 13:18

He must have a lot of unanswered questions in that case and reliving things to see if he could have done anything differently.

Having said that, you are together and he does need to move forward with this. He will still be involved in his DCs lives and he has you.

Original poster

cestferme · 06/06/2015 13:54

The main thing he wishes he'd done differently was not marry her in the first place. Or certainly that they split before DC came along.

His involvement in his DCs lives is fairly limited and despite his efforts to make a nice home for them when they visit they often say they'd rather be at home or with their mother, which obviously isn't nice to hear.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 06/06/2015 15:48

I think you got together far too soon after his break up. He needed to get all this grief/anger/loss well out of the way before he even thought about starting again - much less bringing all that into a new relationship. I would seriously question whether you really know him at all - he's not just half-baked but more like quarter-baked until he gets all that stuff out of his system.

I'd also want to know more about the 'unreasonable behaviour' iiwy.

springydaffs · 06/06/2015 15:51

Also, how dull for you him going on and on about his past relationship.
Why would you want that op?

Original poster

cestferme · 06/06/2015 18:47

I wasn't his first relationship, he was with someone else for a month or so quite soon after the marriage ended. But he said he quickly realised it was too soon, and was on his own then for the next 4-5 months before he met me.

I know all about the unreasonable behaviour insofar as I've read the divorce paperwork, and honestly nothing I've read worries me.

He doesn't go on and on about the divorce/ break up - if his ExW contacts him that might provoke him to make a comment, but it's more if marriage is discussed (we have spoken about our future a lot) he is quite clear that it has been spoilt for him in many ways,and might not marry again. Which isn't a deal breaker, but it would be nice to know it was a possibility.

OP posts:

Original poster

cestferme · 16/06/2015 08:54

Have been thinking some more about this - probably because 2 friends have announced engagements in the last couple of weeks, and feeling more like I do want to get married.

I think if he'd never been married it wouldn't bother me as much, but knowing he married his ExW (and he says he lives me far more than he ever loved her) and possibly won't marry me feels kind of unfair.

OP posts:

FredaMayor · 16/06/2015 09:45

It's early days as far as emotions go, so give it time, and let your DP get used to being divorced first. You have no way of knowing if he won't marry you in the future, so chill!

Original poster

cestferme · 16/06/2015 12:24

He's openly said he might not marry again. Yes he hasn't said definitely not, but I think it's at best 50/50. I know we've only been together 18 months but I know several couples who got engaged after a similar amount of time or less, and who had at least one divorce behind them. I can't help wishing I was one of them, or feeling the men in those relationships must love their partners more than mine does me!

OP posts:

weekendninja · 16/06/2015 13:05

I think you need to stop comparing your relationship to that of your friends...you also need to stop comparing your relationship to what him and his ex had. Everyone and every relationship is different.

It seems that maybe your dp was not over his marriage before he met you. No one can tell you whether to stay or go, but unless you can accept the fact that you may never marry and that he has these issues your relationship looks doomed to fail.

MrsGPie01252 · 17/06/2015 23:31

I think you should try and enjoy what you have in the here and now. It is understandable that he is raw. When a man leaves a marriage he chooses something else above his family. When a woman leaves a marriage she doesn't loose the children (in most cases).

His hurt comes from this. It's not guilt but anguish of loosing his kids and home through no choice of his own. Of course he's scared. Do you want kids?

There's nothing wrong with you wanting more eventually. Be honest with him. Always talk about your feelings. Tell him what you want eventually and don't be afraid to say that even though you love him to bits you want the fairytale... Maybe not now but... Eventually.

Your feelings are as valid here as his.

avrilinca · 18/06/2015 11:20

I've been married. I would never marry again. I think I love much more deeply and wisely than I did then!

Handywoman · 18/06/2015 11:50

I'm in the midst of divorce. I am also still angry at the ex, not for our relationship but because of how things are re the kids (they get upset because of his inconsistent involvement and threadbare interest on their lives). Something I have no power over. Maybe your dp feels similar to that. I can also understand not wanting to marry again. A failed marriage can leave people very disillusioned. I definitely am. Am older and wiser but still disillusioned.

flora717 · 18/06/2015 12:38

I said a few times I would not marry again. But then, as soon as I was over him/ those plans we might have had. I realised it was very silly. Really it wasn't MARRIAGE that was the problem. Marriage did not do those things. My ex did.
Marriage still means something to me, which came as a surprise.

flora717 · 18/06/2015 12:43

The comment about "loving you more than her" comment would suck though. He sounds like he thinks you're very insecure. If marriage is important to you, it's perfectly reasonable to discuss it.
p.s. just for timing. It took me atound 3 years to realise the marriage/ who I was married to split.

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