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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Male friends- just a quick one

32 replies

namechanged0001 · 04/06/2015 16:41

Me and DP have been off/on for 7 years we have 2 kids and 1 on way and me and kids have only just moved in with him.

I have had some male friends the entire time DP's known me (school friends). I got a text off DP asking if (let's call him Bob) Bob was at our house this morning. I replied saying yes, he was dropping something off. He then replied "did he kiss you goodbye?" and I told him to grow up.

15 mins later (now) he rings me shouting saying he knows I slept with Bob before we moved in and anyway he wants to talk to me later and if I don't tell him the truth he'll talk to Bob himself. Whaa??

In our 'off' time I did date people but never my friends and certainly not Bob! Part of me wants to say, "why did we used to break up? Because you are the cheat, not me!" But really, since I've made my choice to give him another chance I don't want to bring it up and escalate it.

My questions are, should I just persevere with my friend and not change anything, he is my friend afterall? Should I tell Bob that DP is jealous so should back off a bit? Also, how can I tell DP that I have never broken any promises, I have never slept with my friends and I am 100% trustworthy...(unlike him)? Without bringing up the fact that he's comparing me to his standards.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/06/2015 16:51

I think you have been on and off for very good reason and that on and off is itself a bad sign.

I would actually look into moving out now as well. Stop giving him chances as well, leopards do not change their spots.

Why are you and this man you describe as your partner together at all particularly if he cheated on you?. This type of behaviour that your "partner" shows is not untypical of a cheat; he cheated on you so he thinks you're going to cheat on him. The fact that Bob is really a platonic friend cuts no ice with him but that is his issue and not yours.

MurielWoods · 04/06/2015 16:52

Why have you agreed to have a third child with this man if you are in an 'on/off' relationship?

LurkingHusband · 04/06/2015 16:59

Probably breaking some MN taboo or something, but the thread title raised a smile.

Or should I grow up ?

Original poster

namechanged0001 · 04/06/2015 17:10

Well I'm smiling but probably in exasperation!

I know, I know but I have given him another chance so here we are. He hasn't done anything that I know of for at least 3 years so I made the decision to try again with him.

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 04/06/2015 17:21

He's starting as he means to go on accusing you of getting your knickers off with all and sundry because he can't keep his flies zipped.

If you don't nip this in the bud living with him is going to be hell for you and your poor dc and you'll end up with no life of your own.

Who cares if Bob's your mate or your uncle? You're entitled to see, speak to, and entertain who you want in what is now your home as well as his.

Original poster

namechanged0001 · 04/06/2015 17:26

What am I supposed to say though? How do I nip it in the bud?

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 04/06/2015 17:26

Why are you having childrne with someone who is on/of with you and therefore clearly doesn't love you? His behaviour is shocking and it's not going to change.

I don't get why you would even want to give it a try? this is not what relationships are about.

overmydeadbody · 04/06/2015 17:28

You nip it in the bud by facing up to reality and not pretending to have a relationship with this man.

You leave, you don't move in, and have nothing more to do with him apart from the capacity of a father to his children.

Meerka · 04/06/2015 17:31

You may have two children but he sounds like a nightmare

accusations like this??!
you say he was the cheat!! methinks the man is judging others by his own standard, rather than looking at them as they are
What you did when you were broken up is your business. Not his. Certainly not to throw accusations about.

You've only just moved back in? You might want to consider moving back out quick. This is a very bad way for him to try to re-establish a relationship.

You may want to give the relationship a chance (the relationship, or him?). I'm not sure he is.

There's better out there, there really is. Someone with less jealousy, someone with more honesty, someone with less inclination to blame others for his own flaws.

also, please tell me he doesn't shout at you in front of your children ...

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/06/2015 17:31

You've given him another chance and he has repaid your faith by being controlling and making false accusations. Cheaters often project to the non cheating partner - are you sure he's not cheating again now?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/06/2015 17:32

How can you nip it in the bud when it sounds like you've had 7 years of dysfunction? That bud is a wild forest by now!

Original poster

namechanged0001 · 04/06/2015 17:33

We were together and we had a baby, he cheated on me, I left him, we got back together and had another baby then he cheated on me so I left him again then he does seem to have changed and we've been friends then I ended up pregnant and after he begged and begged- he's on his last chance.

He's a great Dad and he's been brilliant- we get on very well and he's been perfect except he just gets so jealous over me for no reason.

I know it's far from ideal and very cliche but I love him and unless he cheats again, his last chance stands. I just want him to chill and realise I'm not...well...like he's been.

OP posts:

mrstweefromtweesville · 04/06/2015 17:33

LurkingHusband, it made me smile, too. I thought the OP would be saying 'It doesn't matter if me and a male friend have the odd quickie, does it? No-one will tell.

OP, your 'DP' id making a big fuss, to put you in the wrong, get you to appease him. Start planning your exit. Have plan b ready, even if you're determined to give your relationship another chance.

What to say? Tell him straight. You haven't been and won't be unfaithful but you won't take any questioning or accusations about it.

Annarose2014 · 04/06/2015 17:33

Don't go on the defensive, go on the offensive.

Go fucking nuclear. Tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck, and if he thinks he can say this shit with impunity then he's dead wrong. Tell him its a sacking offence and you are reconsidering the whole relationship.

If he threatens to dump you, roar "GOOD! I'll take you up on that!"

And DON'T STOP till you get a very humble and unconditional apology.

Oh, and if he threatens to ring Bob? Hand him the fucking phone and tell him you'd be only too delighted if he broadcast to others what an insecure arsehole he's being.

FolkGirl · 04/06/2015 17:37

I'd keep the friend and dump the 'd'p if I were you!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/06/2015 17:40

No, he is not a great dad at all if he treats you as their mum like this.

Women in dysfunctional relationships often write the good dad comment as well when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man. He has cheated on you throughout this so called relationship.

And you state that you love him. I do not think you have any idea of what a mutually loving relationship actually is. This certainly is not a mutually loving and respectful relationship, this is all built on shifting sand with repeating patterns of children, break ups and reconciliations. Do you really not see how dysfunctional this all is?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. I think your relationship bar has always been low and set too low as well, he could well be in and out of your life for the goodness knows how many years from now till you've finally had enough or properly wake up to the full reality of what he is like.

Inexperiencedchick · 04/06/2015 17:40

Most of the time people do not change, very rarely...

I doubt he changed but of course you know better.

I did hope as well that the person will change and be nice to me instead of being rude. Nope, got double portion of rudeness.
I learnt my lesson: once you close the door never reopen it!

Costacoffeeplease · 04/06/2015 17:41

I don't think you can make him chill though, he is who he is and he's showing you so I think you should stop flogging a dead horse here.

You've only just moved back in and he's already behaving like a complete arse, it is totally unacceptable

Anyway, why should it be up to you to make him 'chill' FFS, whatever you say won't be enough

Hassled · 04/06/2015 17:43

Bob sounds nice. Your DP really doesn't. He's judging you by his own standards, isn't he? Presumably he can't have female contact without shagging her, so he can't understand why the same isn't true for you.

Original poster

namechanged0001 · 04/06/2015 17:49

He might not have changed but I know he isn't the 'player' he was 3 years ago.

I know what you mean about the 'good dad' cop out but what I mean is, he adores them and has always spent as much time with them as possible- no matter what's been going on with us two. This is important to me and he has lots of other good qualities but since right now I'm annoyed at him for making accusations at me I don't particularly want to list them!

I'm well aware that this might not work, that he might go back to his previous behaviour but I'm willing to give him this chance and so far he hasn't done anything.

I'd rather not keep bringing up his cheating but it becomes very difficult when he accuses me.

OP posts:

minkGrundy · 04/06/2015 17:56

What amnarose said. Go nuclear.
Why can't you bring up the cheating. He did.

But more importantly who told him Bob was there? Someone is stirring it. Why I wonder?

Original poster

namechanged0001 · 04/06/2015 18:00

He saw what he'd dropped off- I'd already told him 'Bob' would be dropping it off at some point this week.

I just think it will escalate the argument and I'd rather not have a huge blazing row. I'm not a particularly confrontational person.

OP posts:

LazyLouLou · 04/06/2015 18:02

Well, if you still have the bags and boxes from moving in I would seriously consider moving straight back out again.

He should still be in 7th heaven that you have moved in, not accusing you and shouting.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do or to say to him!

Annarose2014 · 04/06/2015 18:03

Yeah, well then he'll get away with it love. He ain't going to take notice of a heavy sigh, is he?

NerrSnerr · 04/06/2015 18:10

He clearly knows he can treat you like shit and you'll take him back and have more kids with him. I do not believe that he's a good dad, a good dad does not continually try and break the family up by shagging around.

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