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Original poster

DH late and unreachable (with DS)

37 replies

torontonian · 31/05/2015 17:18

When DH goes out, he "commits" to a time that is never met and he will not update me saying he is going to be late (sometimes more than 90 minutes).

Now, what pisses me off is when he takes DS (2 years old) and does the same. They are out now. DS lunch time is 11.30am, as in his daycare routine, but he had breakfast a bit later today and they were going to the museum with another daycare dad, so I gave it some margin and asked DH to be back no later than noon.

It is now 12.15 pm and I have no idea when they are coming back. I wrote to DH around 11.30 to remind him about the time (they have about 30min subway ride) but got no answer. I called twice now, again no answer.

I am pretty upset. Mind you my son has low weight and trouble eating so I take meals very seriously. AIBU/exaggerating? Is it normal not to be reachable/distracted and forget to send a text when they are going to catch the subway or around agreed time to say we are going to be X minutes late?

What can I do to get DH to be punctual or understand that I don't like this behaviour? I don't want and I can't tell him not to take DS out of the house.

OP posts:
ginmakesitallok · 31/05/2015 17:20

Won't he feed him while they are out? I think yabu.

bittapitta · 31/05/2015 17:21

I don't know enough back story but isn't it his job now to do lunch for DS? Maybe he has in fact stopped for lunch with him.

FlabulousChix · 31/05/2015 17:21

I'm sure he wi feed him if he is hungry. Lighten up he is his father he isn't going to starve him.

Stealthpolarbear · 31/05/2015 17:22

while it's not good for him to be uncontactable why do you get to tell him when to come home?

Thenapoleonofcrime · 31/05/2015 17:22

Could it not be that his dad is feeding him at the museum? It seems very rigid to have to be back at such a specific time. He is as much the parent as you are- so the main requirement is your son's needs are met, not so much that you are constantly in charge/keeping everyone on schedule.

He probably entered the subway and that's why he hasn't texted.

But I wouldn't expect to have to text my husband if I went out with a female friend at all- we would just say 'see you when I see you' and I wouldn't want to have to rush back for a scheduled food thing for two year old.

It sounds like he doesn't text you sometimes which is bad, but this type of scheduling does sound extremely precise and the opposite of fun/relaxed, if it's not on a nursery day, why do they have to rush about to your timetable?

bittapitta · 31/05/2015 17:24

Just seen that you've tried calling a few times. Don't take this the wrong way but: Did you have PND or similar? Because DS is with his loving father right now and you need to just let him do things his way - have a break from worrying while they are gone, let DH deal with lunch. I assumed from your title it was going to be a more dramatic duration.

CatsCantTwerk · 31/05/2015 17:24

He is with his Dad. not a stranger. I'm sure his Dad is capable of looking after him and feeding him if he gets hungry.

I think you are massively over reacting and need to chill out a bit, Enjoy your alone time instead of fretting.

Shockers · 31/05/2015 17:24

Are they back now?

Has your son come to any real harm whilst out with his father?

ImperialBlether · 31/05/2015 17:25

Looking at it the other way around, I would be insulted and pissed off if my partner tried to control me to this extent.

Surely your child's father will feed him? Surely he wants what's best for him? Do you not trust him at all?

FeelTheNoise · 31/05/2015 17:26

I'm sorry to say this, because you do sound anxious, but you are effectively insisting your DH responds accordingly to your demands, and that you want to discuss his lack of obedience. This doesn't seem fair or reasonable

PatriciaHolm · 31/05/2015 17:26

I think you're being a bit anal, in all honesty. Why can't he give a 2 year old a sandwich at the museum? or a bit of cheese, or any one of a thousand snacks.

Unless your DS will absolutely 100% not eat unless at home with you, I think you are overreacting. Things happen when out and about with children having fun. He should be more contactable, yes, though it may be hard to get a signal if he's on the subway for example, but having some slack in a routine is surely normal by 2.

What does he say when you have a conversation about how his lack of communication and tardiness makes you feel?

Original poster
torontonian · 31/05/2015 17:38

Thank you all for your responses, I guess I need to relax a bit.
To answer some questions:
No, DH won't feed him lunch outside, I am waiting with the meal ready as we talked. I asked them to come back around DS usual lunch time. He also needs to nap before soccer practice this afternoon. That's all about the time.

DH has sometimes forgotten about feeding DS one meal, but no, no real concerns about DS safety.

Not diagnosed PND, but maybe. I got a bit overwhelmed at the end of my mat leave (one year as I leave in Canada). Now I am dealing with a full time job, home renovations, a 2 years old and I am 34 weeks pregnant, so I accept I might be over the top.

OP posts:
Original poster
torontonian · 31/05/2015 17:50

When we go out alone, I give him an estimated time and if at that time I haven't left, I will update him. I expect the same in return. Maybe I learn that from my parents, who would not go to sleep until I got home safe and sound.

On the other hand, this doesn't happen only when I am at home. If we are supposed to meet for dinner out, he can be 90 minutes late without sending a message or answering the phone.

OP posts:
maras2 · 31/05/2015 18:08

Who has soccer practise DH or 2 year old?

Original poster
torontonian · 31/05/2015 18:13

2 years old. It is called little kickers, popular in Canada but easier to say soccer practice for all audiences?, designed for 18-30 months old. They just play games (identify colors, imitate animal sounds) and kick the ball a couple of times. He is not in high competition lol

OP posts:
sadwidow28 · 31/05/2015 18:32

toron - can you just accept that they are having a great time together? I mean that in the way of you being OK with Father and Son being totally engaged in a great activity.

I am old enough to remember when we couldn't text (or even phone from/to the house). I think we had more trust and less expectation in those days.

I might have been a bit 'narked' by a late return, but I wouldn't have wound myself up about it. It's the instant communication thing that is adding stress to everyone's life IMO.

sadwidow28 · 31/05/2015 18:35

I have a friend who I visit fairly regularly. I made arrangements to visit this friend on a day at a certain time. I was greeted at the front door with "you didn't text me to say that you had set off". When I left, I was instructed to text "home safely".

Care and concern can sometimes tip over into control.

Thurlow · 31/05/2015 18:46

This is one of those moments where you need to step back a bit.

It's understandable. But he is his dad, and he can look after him just as well. If he's not capable of understanding that a 2yo is getting grumpy because they are hungry then he is either a truly rubbish dad, or he's being micromanaged all the time. And let's face it, a dad who is taking his son out to a museum with another daycare dad is probably not an entirely rubbish dad.

It's easy to stress. My 3yo went out with my parents this morning to give me a break. They said they were just walking around the block, they actually came back an hour and a half later. I'm quite laidback but even I had on moments of "hmm, I hope everything is ok".

Then have myself a good mental slap as nothing would have happened. They just stayed out as they were having fun. DC ate Haribo and peed in a bush at the park.

Routines are good, but not to the point of liming fun,

ImperialBlether · 31/05/2015 20:12

Your son needs a little lunch box, OP! If he carries around a few little things he'll always eat and drink, your husband can take him out for hours and hours!

Lweji · 31/05/2015 20:23

Hmm, I'd be a bit annoyed at least, if I had been making lunch for both because I was expecting them at a certain time and they were over an hour late with no warning. I'd also be worried, particularly if there was no answer.

And I'd probably dump anyone who made me wait 90 min for dinner out with no contact. Did he do it before you got married?

On the other hand, I wouldn't tell him when he was supposed to be back, but would rather ask him, just to plan the day and to know when to start worrying, really.

littlesupersparks · 31/05/2015 20:33

I would be really annoyed. You had agreed to give him lunch at home, he needs a nap and your husband has ignored that and not bothered to let you know. The key point is that he knows you and knows it would bother you.

I think the lunch box idea is a good one though.

SugarOnTop · 01/06/2015 05:36

how long did they actually get to spend together - father and son? doing the actual fun things i mean - not including the hours worth of subway rides. i'm guessing one hour and a half tops? you are being ridiculous, his father should be able to feed him whilst they are out-or take ds lunch with him if ds is on some sort of special diet. are you this controlling about everything?

SavoyCabbage · 01/06/2015 06:04

I'd be agog if I was taking my own child out with a friend and my dh told me I had to be back at noon.

What time does the museum open?

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 01/06/2015 06:17

I am sure your DH is perfectly capable of getting your son some food when he is hungry. No one will drop dead if their routine is thrown out by an hour or so, and presumably your son has a buggy so if he really needs to nap he can nap in that, or when he's on the subway home.

And if you were married to me and you tried to micro-manage my time like this, I think I would be tempted to deliberately miss your imposed curfews and stay out for exactly as long as I wanted and ignore your texts and phone calls too.

Honestly when I read posts like this I start to realise why so many people's relationships go to shit once children come on the scene. Lighten up!

Lweji · 01/06/2015 06:37

Not sure if people have read the OP's descriptions.

husband:
is often VERY late, sometimes more than 1.5 hours when the OP is expecting him (even when they have arranged times to go out)
no updates
no answering calls
has previously forgot to feed his own child one meal

wife:
with meal waiting at home,
worried about child's weight
pregnant 34 weeks unable to reach her OH

Giving the benefit of the doubt, the OP may be controlling with times and telling her OH when to get back with the child.

However, I do think you have a problem with how much consideration your OH has for you. He knows you worry, or he knows you're waiting for him, so of course he could and should send a quick text telling you he's late for whatever.
Keeping you waiting for more than an hour on a regular basis with no contact whatsoever is not on and I'd be fuming. Does he do that for work and friends too?

How to deal with it? I wouldn't wait for him. And I might actually not let him take your child out if that means the child not being fed or not allowed time to rest in a regular basis. You are also the parent and responsible for the child. If your son is not properly cared for by the other parent, then of course it falls on you to make sure he is.
You will have to decide what is acceptable and what isn't.

In my opinion:
if he feeds the child when out - ok
if the child is left with no food at all for more than 1 hour past normal meal time - not ok
it's NOT your responsibility to pack food to take, it's your OH's
if your son taking a nap is optional - ok
if not taking a nap means a difficult bed time and unsettled night for the child and you have to deal with it - not ok

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