DH late and unreachable (with DS)

[torontonian]

When DH goes out, he "commits" to a time that is never met and he will not update me saying he is going to be late (sometimes more than 90 minutes).

Now, what pisses me off is when he takes DS (2 years old) and does the same. They are out now. DS lunch time is 11.30am, as in his daycare routine, but he had breakfast a bit later today and they were going to the museum with another daycare dad, so I gave it some margin and asked DH to be back no later than noon.

It is now 12.15 pm and I have no idea when they are coming back. I wrote to DH around 11.30 to remind him about the time (they have about 30min subway ride) but got no answer. I called twice now, again no answer.

I am pretty upset. Mind you my son has low weight and trouble eating so I take meals very seriously. AIBU/exaggerating? Is it normal not to be reachable/distracted and forget to send a text when they are going to catch the subway or around agreed time to say we are going to be X minutes late?

What can I do to get DH to be punctual or understand that I don't like this behaviour? I don't want and I can't tell him not to take DS out of the house.

What happened in the end OP?

He's 2, not a baby! A 2 year old needs to stay gaining flexibility around meal times. They can cope with different routines on different days. If he misses his nap he'll be grumpy but he won't suffer.

'Giving a margin' of 30 minutes is ridiculous, IMO.

That said, I do think you should raise communication in general.

Your DS does not "need" a nap, he will survive without it. He will not starve to death if he has lunch late one day. And when you wrote the OP, your DH was 15 minutes "late". He is an adult taking his son out, surely he can come back any time he wants? I would be fuming if my partner tried to control me in such a way!

And when you wrote the OP, your DH was 15 minutes "late".

He was 45 min, actually.

As of 12:38, he had not actually gone home then, so over an hour late.
It was not clear if they had gone home as of the last post, which was 1:45 min past the child's normal lunch hour and the agreed time.

All it takes for consideration to the person waiting with a meal ready on the other side is a quick text or phone call. Even if that person is slightly controlling (as my parents).

No, he was 15 minutes late when she wrote the first post.

"It is now 12.15"

"he had breakfast a bit later today and they were going to the museum with another daycare dad, so I gave it some margin and asked DH to be back no later than noon."

Ups, missed that she had asked to be no later than noon, still one hour later it seems that there was no news from them.

you may need to lighten up a bit OP and cut your P some slack - allow him to take responsibility for DS etc.

HOWEVER I think your DP needs to answer the bloody phone when you call! And if he gets a missed call return it. And if he if going to be later than a time you have arranged together he needs to call or text and let you know. Not doing this, esp when he has your DS and you are PG, but even without those conditions is really disrespectful to you. Also I'm sure he is aware of the anxiety it raises in you which is really mean and uncaring of him.

Why does he do this? Is he resisting/resenting your over involvement in his day? Or is your anxiety the result of his indifference to you?

XP was always late, didn't call etc - I found it very insulting to me. I was only ever asking him to do what he said he was going to do! Not trying to get him to do what I wanted. Very frustrating and rude.

What is the rest of your relationship like?

DS is 2, has low body weight and problems with eating, and his dad has at least once forgotten to feed him. OP may be a little over anxious but it's not ludicrous to have concerns.

I try to follow a schedule since I read (probably in the "What to expect" book) that routine is very important for kids, even more for boys than for girls. So on the weekend I try to follow the daycare times with around 30 min margin for meals and nap.
Being 1 hour late for a meal means that DS will miss at least a snack for nor being hungry enough.
Why is missing a snack such a big deal for me? DS was born 8.78 pounds (percentile 90), breastfed until 7 months old when he was 21 pounds (good weight gain). He is now just over 23 pounds at 2 y.o. (percentile 10). The paeditrician ignored my concerns about weight gain for a year (that was very frustrating) due to recurring ear infections (that was the reason given to explain the no-gain). After having ear tubes installed he could not blame the infections anymore and finally admitted that he was low on weight and not gaining as he should.
DS is also a picky eater and it takes a lot of patience to feed him (usual meal takes over an hour). So the weight and the difficulty to make him eat make me worried sick to the point of crying when he doesn't want to eat.
Now, I take meals very seriously because of this and it is the context of my OP. But I am also upset that DH doesn't let me know that he is running late nor answers my call to update. Am I controlling? Maybe. Is he disconsiderate? I think so. And I don't know how to make him understand how I feel about been kept waiting with no news. (Yes, it is not the first time and we have already talked about it but no effect whatsoever so I wonder if there is a better approach than just let to G him know that a would like a message to keep me informed of changes).

I am in no doubt your DS has picked up on your stress regarding food

I was about to post the same, devil.

opwhow does the author of your boom know your child? They don't. A loose schedule woth approximate times is good for the parents maybe amd, certainly, a chaotic lifestyle is not good for children, but I do think some people get themselves unnecessarily worked up about this sort of thing...

Op, with kindness, you need some help round your DS eating. Crying because he isn't eating, meals taking an hour, this huge stress because he may miss a snack - that is a pattern of behaviour which is making food a real battleground in your home.

My Ds has ASD and food issues - I get it. But this way of dealing with things isn't helping.