Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I end it?

44 replies

stupidandworried · 27/05/2015 08:27

I need some advice ?
Been single for a while (I'm keeping it vague so I don't have to NC)
Met someone, he is absolutely lovely. But he drinks every night. Not always much but generally a bottle of wine or 5/6 pints. I'm funny about alcohol, and don't drink much so I'm not sure what's "normal" if that makes sense? Don't know whether he's got into a habit as he's been single or he's showing me who he is if that makes sense
So confused :/

OP posts:
CtrlAltDelicious · 27/05/2015 08:35

This is a lot to drink but an easy habit to slip into if he's been single for a while. Would he be willing to cut down?

LadyBlaBlah · 27/05/2015 08:36

That quantity every night is definitely someone dependent on drink (however much they might want to deny it)

If it's a deal breaker for you, so be it. You might want to explain this to him, see his reaction, but you can only do this with no intentions of being able to change him. That's his decision.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/05/2015 08:47

He is showing you who he really is; a man with alcohol dependency issues. I would walk away now and save yourself years of emotional anguish. Do not get caught up in trying to rescue and or save him because you will not be able to do so. I am wondering if you have ever actually seen him sober.

Raise your own relationship bar higher as of now. This is a deal breaker.

Original poster
stupidandworried · 27/05/2015 08:48

I have managed to NC! Stupid app won't work so using mobile site
I have been single for a decade, him for about 18 months. He has literally been through hell and back the past few years with various things including bereavement and health issues
He doesn't drink in the morning but I was awake at 2am thinking. I haven't ever been with him on a night and him not had a drink

OP posts:
Original poster
stupidandworried · 27/05/2015 08:50

X posted
Yes I have seen him sober. My relationship bar is ridiculously high hence the single for a decade which is why I'm questioning if I was being picky?
I don't want to save him, that's his job not mine and I get I can't change him
Just so bloody frustrated I guess when I meet someone who is the most considerate, caring person and then this

OP posts:
CtrlAltDelicious · 27/05/2015 08:56

Hang on - I think people are being too quick to dismiss him. It really is easy to slip into a habit of drinking a bottle of wine an evening when single - I've done it myself. However, I managed to have a word with myself and realised how bad it was for my health. I wasn't a raging destructive alcoholic who couldn't got a night without booze though, just a bit bored and lonely.

Why don't you speak to him about it? If he gets defensive or refuses to cut down, there's your answer.

Original poster
stupidandworried · 27/05/2015 08:59

Not drip feeding but trying to think of everything relevant
A bottle or 5/6 pints is the minimum. I have known him do a LOT more. When hungover he had two more pints and started on a bottle of wine which I know he will have finished
I don't know whether I should speak to him - it seems so early on and my head is going "he's showing you who he is"

OP posts:
CtrlAltDelicious · 27/05/2015 09:03

Hmmm - ok that doesn't sound so good. At all, actually.

Original poster
stupidandworried · 27/05/2015 09:06

I sort of get the drinking on your own bored thing. Although like I said I am very funny about alcohol and so I rarely drink at home
But he's drinking when I'm there. Just... You know when you can tell that's someones normal routine?

OP posts:
CtrlAltDelicious · 27/05/2015 09:08

I know what you mean. The ploughing on through even when hungover rang alarm bells to me. I have a very good friend who's got serious alcohol problems and she does this.

Happyfriday · 27/05/2015 09:08

It's difficult to tell from your post how much of an issue this is.

I know lots of professional people who drink a bottle of wine at home every evening and they function perfectly well and I would not be worried about their alcohol dependency.

However I had a short relationship with a man a few months ago who always smelt of alcohol, who drank every evening until he was slurring and who definitely put drinking before showing me a good time ?? aka he would rather drink into the early hours than have sex. He had a pot belly and red face. He would take drinks from my cupboard /
(shorts) without me knowing until the bottles were empty. Every social event revolved around drink.

It doesn't sound as if your guy is in the same league but definitely keep your eyes open and if you don't really drink, it is very off-putting.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/05/2015 09:09

No you're not being picky.

I would still walk away from this and ask yourself if you do not why you still want to be involved and become further overinvested in someone like him.

I was not surprised either to read that all the times you have been out with him have involved alcohol. That's his crutch.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/05/2015 09:10

If you do not really drink much then why are you seeing someone who is drinking practically every night?. It makes no sense really.

DorisLessingsCat · 27/05/2015 09:10

To put it absolutely bluntly he is an alcoholic.

You really really don't want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic if you can possibly avoid it.

And that's not having a relationship bar ridiculously high - that's basic common sense.

Good luck.

Original poster
stupidandworried · 27/05/2015 09:11

I mean we have spent time together without drinking hence why o say I have seen him sober. But at home in the evening, he will automatically drink. Which to me (who automatically puts the kettle on!) is off putting
He doesn't drink in the mornings but I know that's not necessarily the thing

OP posts:
Bakeoffcake · 27/05/2015 09:12

I think I would mention something now, as it really is an awful lot to drink.

Could you start by saying you really like him and want the relationship to work, but does he realise he's drinking way over what anyone would recommend?

It might just open up a conversation.

Original poster
stupidandworried · 27/05/2015 09:13

I don't mind drinking, I just have never seen the sort of point of drinking at home I guess. Drink to me equals a nice dress, dancing and friends
With the little that I do drink I get that the majority of people probably will drink more, and if it was a glass a night or a bottle on a weekend I wouldn't even be questioning it

OP posts:
Springintosummer · 27/05/2015 09:27

That is 10 to 12 units at leAst every night. Government guidelines is 4 to units day for a man and that is not every day. You don't need to be drinking in the morning to have an alcohol problem. What you describe is an alcohol problem. Just because he can function and hold down a job does not mean somebody does not have an alcohol problem. The majority of people with alcohol problems are middle class people in their 40s and because they don't have to drink in the morning and drink wine with they don't see it as a problem.

If you have been together 18 months, has he always drank this much? Does he drink every single day? Have you spoken to him about this at all?

Personally this would be a deal breaker but I would speak to him about it first.

Original poster
stupidandworried · 27/05/2015 09:30

Sorry I worded it wrong - he was single for 18 months before me

OP posts:
Springintosummer · 27/05/2015 09:33

How long have you two been together?

Original poster
stupidandworried · 27/05/2015 09:34

Still trying not to out! Less than 3 months

OP posts:
Springintosummer · 27/05/2015 09:37

If you like him except for the alcohol thing than speak to him about your concerns. If is does not get better then dump. But don't settle for less than you are happy with.

GoatsDoRoam · 27/05/2015 09:46

If he is to reduce his alcohol dependency, it has to be his own choice and to come from him (otherwise it won't work, and you would be in the position of controlling nag).

So, tell him that his alcohol dependency is a problem for you. If he takes steps to get help and cut down, good for him; proceed with caution and see how it goes for you. If he doesn't, he is not the partner for you.

You've only invested 3 months in this relationship so now is still a fairly easy time to say : "Nope, not working out for me" and walking away.

Original poster
stupidandworried · 27/05/2015 09:49

My friend is trying to tell me if you don't drink in the morning you're not an alcoholic. And I'm throwing away a relationship by pushing him away :/

OP posts:
hesterton · 27/05/2015 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.