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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I end it?

44 replies

stupidandworried · 27/05/2015 08:27

I need some advice ?
Been single for a while (I'm keeping it vague so I don't have to NC)
Met someone, he is absolutely lovely. But he drinks every night. Not always much but generally a bottle of wine or 5/6 pints. I'm funny about alcohol, and don't drink much so I'm not sure what's "normal" if that makes sense? Don't know whether he's got into a habit as he's been single or he's showing me who he is if that makes sense
So confused :/

OP posts:

hesterton · 27/05/2015 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peggyundercrackers · 27/05/2015 10:27

I know quite a few people who drink a bottle of a wine a night and function absolutely fine. if you have an issue with it speak to him - he is the only person who can answer your questions.

what people write on here is what they would do but they aren't you nor do they know his side of the story...

Original poster

stupidandworried · 27/05/2015 10:41

I know. I guess I'm just voicing stuff
Not saying he can't function but posting I guess has made up my mind. I don't want a relationship with someone who can't/doesn't go 24hrs without a drink

OP posts:

CotswoldQueen · 27/05/2015 12:12

Sounds like my ex- maybe you are dating him, or someone like him if not! He used to do exactly as you describe and in the end he was awful, EA, highly strung, paranoid. Would never admit he was an alcoholic. Used to brag about doing coke with one particular friend of his too quite a lot. This man was 33 so it really wasn’t particularly attractive.

Get out now I’d say, unless of course he has no problem cutting down if you ask him.

Original poster

stupidandworried · 27/05/2015 12:26

I'll update at some point
He's great in every other way, really considerate as in good manners, caring (cooks for me, fetches me little gifts), treats waiting staff well (I always think that shows a person!), tips heavily, listens to me, does daft things like put my breakfast ready and toothpaste on brush

OP posts:

Skiptonlass · 27/05/2015 12:45

That is quite a lot to drink. I also know professionals who put away a bottle a night and see nothing wrong with it. My personal opinion is that they are in denial.

I've also known a few of these women turn it around completely and end up with a very normal drinking pattern - the catalyst was usually the first pregnancy. So it's possible to change, just as it's possible to slip into bad habits. But, if you have any inkling he has a drink problem, I'd walk away. Alcoholism is just so destructive. Not just to the health of the person themselves but to everyone around them.

Definitely talk to him. If the reaction is anything other than 'ok, let's cut down, much better for health' you've got a problem.

AoifeBell · 27/05/2015 13:00

You're not being picky if it's affecting the way you see him or think he has a problem. It's your choice what person you want to be with.

I used to drink a bottle of wine every night for years. I'm not an alcoholic. I could of stopped if I wanted and I did.
I only drink 2/3 bottles a week as I can't afford it now.

Maybe ask him not to drink one night and see what he says. My boyfriend was "concerned" about me but I'm a grown up and I can drink10 bottles of wine a night if I so wish. I'm not being violent or abusive so u don't seethe problem.

YvyB · 27/05/2015 14:34

My ex drank this sort of quantity. He too had been through difficulties and sad times. He too did those little things like toothpaste on the brush and also big gestures - expensive presents, treats out etc.
About 6 months in, those little things became his justification for thinking he could control me and the drink became his excuse for losing his temper and lashing out at me when I refused to be controlled. I left. Luckily, before I was seriously hurt.
The drink is a huge red flag. You just can't trust someone when alcohol dominates so much of their life.

Happyfriday · 27/05/2015 15:02

Even if you talk to him he will deny he has a problem and make a big show of cutting down or not drinking.

The suspected alcoholic guy I was with said of course he had no problem with not drinking in the week and he wanted to cut down anyway bla bla. He just drank in hidden ways eg before he came to see me or he made excuses to go to the fridge and sneakily swig some wine or he would open a bottle and pour me a glass, even if I didn't want one, then join me later of course. All he could think of was his next drink. It's a sad life.

Not sure of your guy is this extreme?

Original poster

stupidandworried · 27/05/2015 15:07

Not that extreme, no
Decision made that I'm walking away

OP posts:

CotswoldQueen · 27/05/2015 15:13

'My ex drank this sort of quantity. He too had been through difficulties and sad times. He too did those little things like toothpaste on the brush and also big gestures - expensive presents, treats out etc.
About 6 months in, those little things became his justification for thinking he could control me and the drink became his excuse for losing his temper and lashing out at me when I refused to be controlled. I left. Luckily, before I was seriously hurt.
The drink is a huge red flag. You just can't trust someone when alcohol dominates so much of their life.'

Yup, this was my ex too EXACTLY, perhaps we've all dated the same man?!

YvyB · 27/05/2015 16:26

Blimey, Cotswold! At least we all had the sense to get out quick!

Jan45 · 27/05/2015 16:38

Picky, he can't go a night without alcohol - no you are not picky, he clearly has a big drink habit, usually it carries on and gets worse, total red flag there, in fact, it would put me right off (I like a drink btw).

RagstheInvincible · 27/05/2015 21:06

My friend is trying to tell me if you don't drink in the morning you're not an alcoholic.

Utter tripe. This is a man with serious alcohol problems and they will not get better believe me. I'd get out now if I were you. You may regret it later if you don't.

FlabulousChix · 27/05/2015 21:08

I don't drink either. I'd find it hard to be with someone who drank ever night you are always on a different level to them. I'm just not into alcohol dependent people it's a crutch and it's weak.

Original poster

stupidandworried · 27/05/2015 21:47

I have ended it. That was hard but I needed to do it

OP posts:

YvyB · 27/05/2015 22:48

Well done for choosing what's important to you over what's important to him. Very hard to do, especially BEFORE anything nasty has happened because that pesky voice in your head does keep asking "What if it would have been fine but I just ruined it?". But you have been so, so sensible. You deliberately chose your own wellbeing. I was ok because luck was on my side; you're ok because you made it your absolute priority to ensure that you are safe. That's such a strong choice to make.

twistletonsmythe · 27/05/2015 23:30

I think you have been very wise to end it now. Alcoholic or not - his drinking was unacceptable.

ratinkitchen · 27/05/2015 23:46

I have a theory

What happens on the first date & first couple of weeks dating sets the scene for how the relationship will grow in the future

So if alcohol appeared at the beginning, it will probably continue

Only you can decide if it is a deal breaker

What about drinking & driving ?

Does he choose alcohol over other things ?

Everyone has ups & downs in their life, not everyone resorts to drinking...

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