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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Today is the day

46 replies

Goodnature · 25/05/2015 08:33

That the future of my marriage will be deceided.
Dh has been appalling to youngest dd, borderline emotional abuse , and the situation is untenable.
Dh has sought help, is on medication and in counselling and is going to start the process of trying to apologise to dc today.
If this cannot be resolved he will have to leave.
Not sure why Im posting .

OP posts:
UterusUterusGhali · 25/05/2015 08:38

How old is DD?
How is he going to apologise?

I hope it goes well. X

ALaughAMinute · 25/05/2015 08:44

So what happens after he has apologised? Do you see the situation improving?

Original poster
Goodnature · 25/05/2015 08:46

16 and by talking to her. He has sought advice from his councillor.
I will be putting her first and have sketched plans in place if we split.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodnature · 25/05/2015 08:47

I can already see improvement, but it could be too late.

OP posts:
flora717 · 25/05/2015 08:52

I'm sorry you're family is hurting so much at the moment. Has your DD support outside of yourself and DH for expressing how she feels? Forgiveness is very hard (even when a relationship was previously a good one), this might take time or might get buried to the back. Is she currently taking exams?

Original poster
Goodnature · 25/05/2015 08:56

Thank you flora , yes, she is taking exams and she does have support through an outside organization.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodnature · 25/05/2015 08:58

She is under no pressure to forgive, dh and I both know where the fault lies. Dh for his actions and me for my not addressing it sooner and more strongly.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 25/05/2015 09:02

Did he not consider moving out at any point, perhaps while he gets treatment? Can't imagine how awful this must be for your daughter, especially during GCSEs.

How old are the other children?

Original poster
Goodnature · 25/05/2015 09:05

Other child is an adult and lives out of the home . Dd does not want him to move out until her exams are over, he did offer. No one else knows about any of this, except their respective councillers .

OP posts:
ALaughAMinute · 25/05/2015 09:08

You say it was borderline emotional abuse but it must have been pretty bad if you are considering asking him to leave. What did he do exactly?

"I can already see improvement, but it could be too late."

Why?

Lovingfreedom · 25/05/2015 09:17

Today's the day he's going to start the process of trying to apologise? wtf?

Original poster
Goodnature · 25/05/2015 09:50

I will not be posting details of incidents , but it was a drip drip of arguments, mostly started by him.
Lovingfreedom - that's what his councillor has told him it is, a process of accepting total blame and apologising , with no agenda.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodnature · 25/05/2015 09:52

Too late as in too late for dd to feel comfortable around him again. She is my priority.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 25/05/2015 09:56

If yr not already, I'd recommend individual counselling for yourself too.

Original poster
Goodnature · 25/05/2015 10:00

I can set something like that upvthroygh work Loving but at the moment I'm emotional ly exhausted & need all my energy to get through each day.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 25/05/2015 10:11

Sounds like it's all about him atm. He has a therapist...leave them to it and give yourself some care, time and support. If you can arrange through work then great...you can spare an hour a week :) xx

FlabulousChix · 25/05/2015 10:15

I moved my kids 110 miles away from my ex when he started calling them names as they aren't typical boys. Kids come first. We split because whilst I could suffer the abuse I wasn't letting him start on my children. Kids come first. If he can't speak to your daughter with respect and decency he doesn't deserve to live under the same roof as her.

AnyFucker · 25/05/2015 10:37

As I started to read this I was hoping that "today" was the day he was leaving.

Instead...what ?

Original poster
Goodnature · 25/05/2015 10:47

We see if our family can be salvaged. If not he is leaving.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 25/05/2015 10:58

Put yourself and your daughter first. Thanks

AnyFucker · 25/05/2015 10:59

Is it wholly clear what he has to do with a non negotiable time scale ?

I expect he has already had too many "chances".

Original poster
Goodnature · 25/05/2015 11:07

Yes it is Anyfucker.
He, off his own back, has disclosed his behaviour to a medical professional who out him on medication and arranged his counselling.
He is aware that this may be too late, but will try and keep in trying whatever happens.
I have plans in place for a split, as I stated above.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodnature · 25/05/2015 11:08

Dd has put the timescale in place.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodnature · 25/05/2015 11:11
  • keep on trying, as in trying to have a relationship with dd on her terms if we do separate.
OP posts:
Cabrinha · 25/05/2015 11:12

That sounds like a lot of pressure on a 16 year old!

Honestly, I think you should give her a hug and say "I will put you first, but I won't make you responsible for this decision. I have chosen to ask him to move out for 3 months, and see you every x day. After that, as a family we'll decide what happens."

It is really unfair for a poor child to be given the responsibility of ending a marriage!!!