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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH taking the piss

29 replies

Dollyemi · 24/05/2015 10:53

Weird for me to be posting really but I need some advice. DH went out with his former works friends yesterday at 4 and isn't home yet. He's finally texted at 8:15 to say he had missed the last train and stayed with his friends on their sofa (I believe him, there isn't a cheating concern at all). When I replied to say "get yourself home then" my reply was "don't start, nobody died".

The thing is, how did I know that nobody died? I didn't get any replies to my texts asking if he was ok and he didn't answer my calls (didn't stalk him, called him once he wasn't home by 4am). This has happened before and IMO opinion it is just Rude, selfish inconsiderate and So disrespectful.

Do I take the DC out somewhere and book into a hotel without telling him where we are so he has a taste of his own medicine? I have to take them as I'm bf our 7 week old. Do I just rant and rave when he gets home? Ask them to choose between us and his friends? Punch him in the face?! Tell him he's not going out with these people again? Or is it a matter of sensible sit down and say I 'm prepared to leave him if he does it again (not sure if I would leave, this is the only thing that makes me unhappy).

I really couldn't go out and do the same to him as there's no way I would go out for that amount of time without contact.

OP posts:

AlpacaMyBags · 24/05/2015 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LazyLouLou · 24/05/2015 11:13

Wait. Wait until he is sober, has slept and is 'human' again. You don't want him to have the 'excuse' that you are being unfair.

Then tell him exactly how his radio silence made you feel... how you did indeed have moments when you feared for his safety and that his 'nobody died' comment hit your fears hard. Tell him that he cannot expunge the fears his actions instilled in you. He cannot apologise them away, you spent a night in fear for his safety and he needs to accept that his behaviour caused that. A simple text would have done!

Repeat "Your behaviour scared the crap out of me" when he tries to extemporise, blame you, excuse himself. Don't add anything else, just that what he did scared you....

DH works away and once let his phone run put of battery... the tears he got the following morning (his job is quite dangerous) ensured that even if he only has 30 seconds free he uses them to phone me (not text). Quite often we only get time for " Hello, love you, speak to you properly tomorrow"... it is enough. It is the very least he can do and he does it every day.

Kewcumber · 24/05/2015 11:16

I'd take them out though whether for the night at a hotel I'm not sure.

And yes its selfish at any time (unless prearranged that he was staying away overnight) but with a 7 week old it seems selfish in the extreme.

PlumFairy2014 · 24/05/2015 11:17

I would be livid! Admittedly it's not something my DH does, so I really would be incredibly worried and to then get a message like that... Does he do this often?

Especially with a 7 week old. I was exhausted at that stage. (My LO was not a sleeper).

Iggi999 · 24/05/2015 11:17

Selfish to stay out overnight when it wasn't planned and selfish to not get in touch.

kittybiscuits · 24/05/2015 11:30

That's awful OP. It's a big deal for him to go out when you have a seven week old. But worse than that is his vile response to your text. All completely unacceptable behviour and to text anything other than a profound apology is pathetic. Are you sure he is normally so great? I think I would tell him not to come home today. And let him experience the radio silence himself.

whatsagoodusername · 24/05/2015 11:51

Well, if you want to go with the hotel idea, just take the bf baby. Leave the other kids at home, so he has that responsibility as well as wondering where you are.

ImperialBlether · 24/05/2015 11:57

But you can't leave the children not knowing where you are! That's absolutely not on.

He does need a really hard word, OP. How often does he do this?

BathtimeFunkster · 24/05/2015 11:59

You have a 7 week old baby and he fucked off for 20 hours on the piss and didn't even tell you where he was?

I'd mean it when I told him that if he ever did that again he needn't bother coming back at all.

Only1scoop · 24/05/2015 12:05

If he's generally fantastic and never done it before then Id just have a strong word about this selfish stunt.

If he's a serial offender of the same old crap Id tell him to foxtrot Oscar.

pocketsaviour · 24/05/2015 12:08

I'm in agreement with alpaca - if he hasn't done it before then I'd just make his hangover miserable. If he's a repeat offender, I'd be having a serious conversation about the future of the relationship.

Is this the first time he's been out since the baby was born?

Mide7 · 24/05/2015 12:18

As a few others are saying, yes he is being unreasonable but if it's a one off, make it clear you don't think it's acceptable and move on. If it's not a one off then you might need to do something more drastic.

I'm sure a lot of us have gone out and got a bit carried away. The young child at home makes it worst but it's easily done.

ImperialBlether · 24/05/2015 12:30

I wouldn't think for most of us here going out and staying out all night, without sending a message home, then being annoyed at 8 in the morning because your partner was pissed off you hadn't been in touch, is "easily done", is it? I have never done it, have you?

Original poster

Dollyemi · 24/05/2015 12:38

He's back now, I'm so mad I can't even look at him. He tried to look sheepish and say "you're not very happy are you"!?!?!?!?!? But no apology at all. His nights out are every month or two months but they're getting later and later. Baby head wetting (1st of 3) was when baby was 12 days old, he was out for 13 hours. Tempted to express some milk and just drive off into the sunset and switch my phone off, see how that feels.

OP posts:

GoatsDoRoam · 24/05/2015 12:42

Pack an overnight bag for you and the baby, and leave him to take care of the older DC with his hangover for company when he walks in. Stay out for 24h with the phone off.

Mide7 · 24/05/2015 12:43

I didn't say most, I said a lot and here is a fairly small sample of people isn't it?

I've never stayed out all night no but I've certainly go out to meet a mate for one which ended up being 10 and a kebab.

GoatsDoRoam · 24/05/2015 12:43

x-post.
Do it.

ovumahead · 24/05/2015 12:52

My dh did this when my DS was a bit older, and he didn't stay out all night but was very late. I was so emotionally sensitive and vulnerable during that time after birth. I was furious. He didn't get it at all, thought I was being a nag! Have spoken about it several times since and he gets it now, has never done it again. Your husband sounds like he has no idea of your perspective - he's taking a very unempathic stance which in itself is alienating. You need to talk to him. Be very frank. Let him know exactly how his behaviour has affected you. And if he continues to not get your experience, then you go crazy! And definitely consider giving him a taste of your own medicine. Alternatively, write him a letter/note outlining why you're angry, then go out, and stay out overnight in a hotel if you think this would help you to have a break and have a breather from him. He may the understand....

Trills · 24/05/2015 12:52

I imagine he is feeling incredibly guilty for not calling, and that's why his reply was so defensive.

You'll get a better result if you wait til he is feeling OK before bringing up phoning-home-protocols and try to imagine how I felt.

Making his hangover miserable sounds attractive now but isn't so useful in the long run.

ovumahead · 24/05/2015 12:52

*his own medicine, obviously!

Iggi999 · 24/05/2015 12:54

So this isn't a one-off then is it?
I think he needs to have a bad experience today, so that the next time he's tempted to do this he can remember that it just wasn't worth it.
Wetting the baby's head (3 times!) doesn't show what a proud dad you are, being there to look after your baby does.

DollStar · 24/05/2015 12:57

Bloody do it

sparklyDMs · 24/05/2015 13:00

My DH does this a lot and is mostly uncontactable when he is 'missing'. I get concerned about him and he's ruined many a day after that when he/we were meant to be doing things. Sadly, the kids have come to expect him not to be there. It started off as an occasional thing and now is almost weekly.
He is under stress at work, we're incredibly skint and I think he's depressed and using this as an escape.
OP, don't be like me and let this go without talking about it and what's making him do this, he needs to know it isn't ok.

LazyLouLou · 24/05/2015 13:01

But showing him that 'it just wasn't worth it' leaves him with the excuse that OP is being unreasonable. He either is able to grow up and understand how his behaviour affects others or not in which case he remains a childish pratt and OP can decide what she wants to do about him.

Leaving any discussion until he is sober/rested is NOT for his benefit, it is so OP can remain free of any doubts. If she is reasonable then any further argument must be him and she can deal with him without wondering of her own actions contributed.

ImperialBlether · 24/05/2015 13:13

Sparkly, are you saying your family is really skint but your husband goes out drinking all night once a week? How much does he spend?

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