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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lundy Bancroft

71 replies

Mantara · 19/05/2015 01:41

Why is he treated like some sort of demigod on this forum?

It's just 1 man's opinion. None of it is proven fact.

I don't doubt there is some truth in some of it but there's also loads of convenient , often incorrect, labelling gained from quoting him.

OP posts:

keepingmum121 · 19/05/2015 01:52

If he isn't right, how did he describe my ex so exactly without ever having met him?
It is because, like it or not, they all follow a script. The narcs love to think they're unique but they're not.
Furthermore, Lundy has worked extensively with abusers so he knows very well how they operate.

Original poster

Mantara · 19/05/2015 01:59

But there is an awful lot of it based on opinion.

For example "ooh .my boyfriend does a, b and c that a "Mister Right" does.

Maybe the boyfriend would disagree with that version of events. Who is to say which person is right. Only the woman now has a stick to beat the (person she now sees as an "abuser") with.

OP posts:

SilverNightFairy · 19/05/2015 02:17

Mr. Bancroft seems to have touched sore place for you, Op. He is one of many experts working to assist survivors of domestic violence. His writing and training has been invaluable to many survivors and advocates working in social services. I have had the opportunity to attend several workshops where he has conducted sessions as he lives in the same area as me. His knowledge of the issues facing survivors is immense. I have not heard or met anyone who ever described him as a " demigod ".

notsurewot2do32 · 19/05/2015 02:23

Two sides to the story? Sounds like something an abuser would say.

Original poster

Mantara · 19/05/2015 02:56

"Sounds like something an abuser would say"

Didn't think it would take long before those words appeared.

OP posts:

winkywinkola · 19/05/2015 03:31

If he helps abused people understand their situation and how to cope and or get out of the situation then he's very high in my estimation.

Why is he a problem for you op?

kickassangel · 19/05/2015 03:40

He has been in practice for over 2 decades working with controlling people, their partners and families. He has done serious research that has been published in peer reviewed journals. He is academically respected enough that his book appears at MA and PhD levels as a jet text for study. He has worked in research in academia.

That's a bit more than one person's opinion, which is what you OP, somewhat erroneously, is. Why don't you make friends with Wiki and do some reading to put yourself right?

notsurewot2do32 · 19/05/2015 04:57

Yawn. Im also guessing you're male? Or at very worst a handmaiden...

You seem to be dodging why you have such a problem with someone who's an advocate for abuse victims. Why might that be? I really fail to see the problem unless this has some direct relevance to whatever your story is.

Ouchbloodyouch · 19/05/2015 06:33

AnyFucker · 19/05/2015 07:04

Oh dear

Has somebody (one of those awful feminists, perchance) nailed your behaviour by using Bancroft descriptors ?

He gives women a stick to beat their abusers with ....interesting phraseology

LadyBlaBlah · 19/05/2015 09:51

Which bits are incorrect Op?

Just so we can all learn and stuff from one man's opinion.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/05/2015 10:00

There are worse offences than labelling, you know. Systematically breaking someone's spirit, and/or bones, over decades is one of them.

Believe me, nobody picks up a copy of "Why Does He Do That?", leafs through it, decides it fits her partner and leaves a workable, loving relationship. Nobody.

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 19/05/2015 10:06

If it's not the vipers at MN and their chorus of "LTB" making women just decide to up and leave a loving relationship, it's Lundy Bloody Bancroft

pictish · 19/05/2015 10:07

Gosh. I have seldom read any writing on domestic abuse as easy to digest, logical and steeped in common sense than Lundy Bancroft's book.

Sorry you have a problem with it OP. I guess you don't much like what he has to impart.

LurcioAgain · 19/05/2015 10:08

annie: "Believe me, nobody picks up a copy of "Why Does He Do That?", leafs through it, decides it fits her partner and leaves a workable, loving relationship. Nobody."

Absolutely nail on head!

What's your issue with this book, OP? It's based on a lifetime of professional experience by someone who's published in peer-reviewed literature and has helped enormous numbers of women... but you seem threatened by its very existence. Why?

FarFromAnyRoad · 19/05/2015 10:11

Perhaps the OP has been busted wide open and doesn't much like that he's not a special snowflake sent by the above to help womankind but is, in fact, an abusive asshat whose DP/DW read the book and showed him his cards. Let us hope she did anyway.

TopOfTheCliff · 19/05/2015 10:17

You don't have to be on here for long to pick up on the threads that start with some poor bewildered person, usually female, asking AIBU to object to some form of awful controlling nasty behaviour. In that situation which may have gone on for years the OP has often been persuaded that she is in the wrong, is going mad, has mental health issues and if only she could be a better wife/partner and accept her lot the relationship would work. Then along come the MN Vipers and shine a spotlight on the abuse.
Reading Lundy Bancroft is hugely validating. This abusive fuckwit is not unique. He fits a pattern, his behaviour is predictable by people who understand. I am not going mad I am sane. I can extract myself from this truly awful situation and make my life better again.
Can you tell I have been through it? and come out happy and strong.

Why does LB bother you OP? What are you denying?

ninetynineonehundred · 19/05/2015 10:34

Well let's put it this way op.

Just suppose you are right and it's just one man's opinion then there's no problem is ther?
The people on this forum are intelligent enough to make up their own minds. Just like you have.

Or are you the only person who is able to see all the flaws in this peer reviewed, academically published professional.

If so you would be doing all these little wimmen a huge favour by sharing your alternative viewpoints.
Are you related to tuppence?

Anniegetyourgun · 19/05/2015 10:58

I was wondering that, ninetynine. A couple of us quoted Lundy on that thread.

PeppermintCrayon · 19/05/2015 11:03

OP, how about you explain the specific issues you are having with the book?

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 19/05/2015 11:07

Far I think you've quite firmly hit the nail on the head.
I was wondering it too, ninetynine.

pictish · 19/05/2015 11:07

He/she isn't coming back.

AnyRailway · 19/05/2015 11:08

Mantara, are you my DH?

He thought his behaviour was normal and acceptable, possibly because he had grown up with his dad behaving I'm the same way. I loved him so much but eventually I started making exit plans because I couldn't bear to see our beautiful, perfect sons grow up the same way.

I didn't read lundy bancroft until after I had kicked Dh out and got a non -molestation order (the courts don't grant these lightly, you know!) yes, I felt validated, and braver after reading it.

My DH couldn't accept anything I read in a book, no matter how well researched the book, if he happened to disagree with it. I think he was suspicious of academia in general, and unsettled by the fact that I am educated to degree level and capable of evaluating the evidence.

For example, he felt the best way to discipline our children was to yell at them. Poor kids! Because I am (was!) a childcare professional, and knew on every level this was wrong I challenged him on it. However, all my positive behaviour management skills (which work much better and are much more humane) were "just some rubbish I had read in a book ".

If you disagree with lundy bancroft, I suggest that you do some research of your own and come up with a reasoned argument against what he says. Disliking his message because it makes you feel uncomfortable is not a good enough reason for dismissing it.

ouryve · 19/05/2015 11:15

You clearly have an agenda, OP. Is what he says too uncomfortable for you or something, or do you have a better perspective? Would you care to share it with us, if you do, so that women in abusive relationships can benefit from your expertise and wisdom?

ninetynineonehundred · 19/05/2015 11:17

I've had lundy quoted at me when talking about my ex.
He definitely didn't fit into any of the 'labels' in Why Does He Do That.
He does however fit lundys profile of the immature man from another book (and to be fair to him agrees that it is a straight fit)

Ho hum. Maybe I'm a rarity amongst women in that I didn't just take the first thing mn suggested and thought for myself.
Or perhaps the ladies on mn can see when lundy is accurately describing their partner because, you know, they have brains?

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