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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I over reacting?

27 replies

LivingTheDr3am · 16/05/2015 07:04

Long time lurker here.

DP is a recent convert to Facebook. He is very secretitive and protective of his phone. He also has a new hobby which involves going away. Anyway he accidentally lets me looks at the pics on his phone. When I ask about a pretty brunette his first response is he does not know her.... Second she's a long lost neighbour from childhood he met at a hobby related festival.(!!!) Turns out he's been messaging her. I was kind of aware as I had looked at his phone. The lock down and aggression when asked anything had mad me twitchy. I suspect that he has arranged to meet her again from a message I saw.

He's very cross about the phone... Rightly so. I'm confused upset about why he can't answer any question with a straight answer. So am I over reacting?

OP posts:

Charlie97 · 16/05/2015 07:09

No you're not over reacting, trust your instincts and insist he tells you the truth.

He has photos on his phone of someone he doesn't know.........does he think you are stupid?

Sorry for you trouble.

HelenF350 · 16/05/2015 07:12

He has lied to you already. I would be very suspicious. Ask him outright what's going on.

ChannelingFlop · 16/05/2015 07:13

No no no not overreacting. Not normal to be that secretive. Trust your instincts

Original poster

LivingTheDr3am · 16/05/2015 07:16

Thanks.... I'm holding out on admitting I've seen the phone which is childish. But I did see a message from her saying she was looking forward to meeting him. He just will not answer any questions directly. Very effective and very stressful!

OP posts:

Goodbetterbest · 16/05/2015 07:21

No you aren't over-reacting and yes, you are right to be suspicious.

I'm sorry - it is shit.

Goodbetterbest · 16/05/2015 07:54

Chances are if you let on you've seen the phone he'll turn it around and make it about you snooping, not him doing what's concerning you.

I'd keep quiet but keep an eye on things until I knew for sure. (Which is what I did).

I am sorry, I've been in you position.

Original poster

LivingTheDr3am · 16/05/2015 07:59

Yes he his very keen on it being me.... After a struggle it turns out she is someone from his hometown..... 2 months of this silly buggers. I am now mental allegedly. Still don't get the secrecy. I asked him go she was when I first saw her picture. Why not say never guess who I met etc....

OP posts:

Shuang · 16/05/2015 08:07

Do you live together? How long have you been together? Children?
Sorry for being nosey OP but he is seeing someone and doesn't want you to know. Leave you in a guessing game and told you you are mental.
If it was your place I would ask him to leave. Otherwise I would leave. Child free scenario.
You can give an ultimatum if you like but how can you be sure he will tell the truth.
Sorry you are in a disappointing situation.

Original poster

LivingTheDr3am · 16/05/2015 08:28

Married 15yrs 2 kids stakes are high he is totally minimising. Says he is not seeing her and only chatting last week some time! Turns out he's I touch with lots of girls he went to school with so what's the problem! I think he's lost the plot. I would be off if I didn't have under 4s not as easy. On the plus side I work so could support myself and children. Can't believe I'm saying this

OP posts:

Shuang · 16/05/2015 08:36

Oh wow so sorry OP really didn't expect that!
If there was nothing untoward why did he lie about knowing her in the first place. It's not looking good.
I know I am being very quick to judge-he sounds being unfaithful already. Doesn't matter if it is physical.
Either keep digging if you can or give him an ultimatum. He certainly hasn't stopped even after your discovery.

Goodbetterbest · 16/05/2015 09:50

There are massive red flags here. Red flags flapping about wildly.

But what is important here, and what could well determine your future as a family, is his reaction.

He can blame you, minimise, call you out on it, take no responsibility, show no remorse, lie and cheat. In which case, it would be a deal breaker for me (I'm projecting as speaking from experience).
Or,
He could be honest, show remorse, work at restoring trust and be transparent, in which case you might have a future to fight for.

His behaviour is dodgy. You are perfectly right to demand respect and honest.

Snoozybird · 16/05/2015 10:01

What's the new "hobby" which involves him going away?

WhoNickedMyName · 16/05/2015 10:05

new hobby which involves going away.

protective of his phone.

messaging a female on Facebook arranging to meet up.

I'd say you're under-reacting.

GoatsDoRoam · 16/05/2015 10:12

I'm glad to hear you work and can afford to support yourself and the children.

For the moment, he is probably deluding himself that they are "just friends" since he possibly hasn't slept with her yet. But the fact that he lied to you about who she was, continues to act cagey, and throws the blame on you shows that in his thoughts, he is guilty as sin.

I think you need to make a stand to show hm that you won't be treated like a doormat. Such as asking him to move out, so that he can focus on the bachelor life he so clearly wants to be living right now.

Original poster

LivingTheDr3am · 16/05/2015 13:25

yes he has been in touch as he wants to discussed unresolved issues about a few platonic messages! Ha. I've done with talking as it is typically brow beating. Im wrong paranoid etc...I do start to waver so the consensus on here very helpful

OP posts:

Original poster

LivingTheDr3am · 16/05/2015 13:26

The hobby is sci fi stuff...,

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 16/05/2015 14:18

"typically brow beating" sounds like your marriage issues go beyond this incident?

Over which you are definitely not over reacting.

Bogeyface · 16/05/2015 14:22

When I was the victim of minimising, blame shifting, outright lies and called paranoid etc I found it very helpful to say "How can you expect me to think anything but the very worst when you are lying to me? You know you are lying, I know you are lying so when you are prepared to be completely honest with me, I dont see that we have a future" and then kept saying "We both know that you are lying, why do keep trying to get me to believe you when you know that I dont?"

I did get the truth eventually, but not from him. As a PP said, if he was honest, sorry and upfront about crossing boudaries then there may be a way to sort it out. But he isnt, and that for me says that he expects you to stay in the "nice wifey at home doing as she is told" box while he has his fun on the side.

He has no respect for you, thats the bottom line. What you do now is up to you but personally I would be asking him to leave, if only temporarily. Make it clear what he is standing to lose while he still has time to pull back from the brink of a full on affair. He needs to experience consequences otherwise he will carry on and just get better at lying.

Bogeyface · 16/05/2015 14:23

sorry that is "until you are prepared to be completely honest..."

Goodbetterbest · 16/05/2015 14:28

Same here Bogeyface. Keep denying it until she believes it/stops going on about it.

Now we do have space I can see when he is trying to play me. When he used to tell me 'we never had that conversation' I know we did, and I no longer doubt myself.

Lots of us have had very similar experiences. They just aren't as unique or as special as they like to think they are.

Bogeyface · 16/05/2015 16:27

It might be good if the OP printed out "The Script" and said "Here you go, all the crap you are going to come out with. So now we know how this is going to go, can we skip this crap and get to bit where I kick you out?"

Original poster

LivingTheDr3am · 16/05/2015 16:51

Cabrinha.... You are right.... I had hoped that time would help things settle but we move from one childish incident to another. Fundamentally he is selfish and attention seeking. He can be very aggressive when challenged. Shouting threatening etc.

He probably has not acted on any of these rediculous messages but the stress is becoming too much. It feels like this is another thing to add to the silly buggers!!

Today I have decided to see a solicitor and clarify my position. Writing just one of these incidents has made me see what a fool I'm being!

OP posts:

Goodbetterbest · 16/05/2015 17:40

You aren't the one being a fool.
Bogeyface, could you link The Script please?

dublingirl653 · 16/05/2015 17:51

livingthedream very best of luck
take your children, your sanity and dignity and go
I am sorry to hear this has happened

no one needs to put up with thiis :(

ChannelingFlop · 16/05/2015 20:55

Good luck OP

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