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Original poster

Do I sound nirmal

42 replies

Bluegreen12 · 06/05/2015 19:26

It's like everytime she speak I get really angry I side. She is actually a very nice person. Basically she left me at my grandmothers when I was a baby because she didn't want to give up her work as she was raised in poverty and she didn't want us to live like that. Because I was a girl, my grandmother neglected me. I don't think my mum knows how to look after children because she came from a family of 10 which was in poverty at the time. I'm sure her mother never had time to look after her which is probanly why she isn't the most caring person in the world. When I was young my mum used to work like 6/7 days a week so I barely saw her. She always worked on weekends so the only day she had off was on a weekday and I would probanly be in school. Because she didn't exactly bring me up herself, I was never very close to her. I started getting really bad.y bullied in primary school but I never told my mum because I was never close to her. I don't think I told anyone. Basically I had no freinds. We then moved houses and I changed schools because my mum got a work somewhere else. In that school I had freinds and I was fine. Then I started high school where literally no one liked me and my freinds tried to avoid me and talked behind my back all the time.

I feel like a messed up person.
I became paranoid and depressed. I still couldn't tell my mum because she was working all the time. I felt like she wa neglecting me as well. And the. I started hating on her.This really weird thing happened in school. Basically, everytime this certain teacher walked passed me, I stared at him. I don't know why. I didn't even like him. I can swear down that I did not have a crush on him what so ever. Idk why I looked at him.
He got paranoid that I had a crush in him and he quit his job. None of the teachers then liked me and kept giving me evils for the rest of my high school life. Thankfully none of the kids found out in school and it was kept confidential.

Then I went onto college. I'm sure the teachers from my high school told my teachers at college about this teacher thing. I don't know if I'm just thinking that or if they actually did.The thing is, they never told my parents about it so idk if they would tell teachers at my college about it.

Anyways. I feel like a messed up person because I'm literally scared of doing everything. I'm scared of hurting people, I'm scared of just talking to certain people. I'm scared of doing chemistry experiments. I'm scared of looking teachers in the face. I always look away.

Do I sound normal?

OP posts:
Bowerby · 06/05/2015 19:39

Not remotely. You sound very badly damaged and I think you know why.

I would suggest intensive counselling/therapy

Original poster
Bluegreen12 · 06/05/2015 20:58

I ve talked to someone about this and they said apparently, everyone is abnormal and everyone is hiding something. I guess everyone has different views. I don't know if I should get counselling yet. I don't feel as if it would make me better ??

OP posts:
deedee33 · 06/05/2015 21:15

I think most of us have our oddities, yes, but normal or not isn't the issue here, the issue is your happiness. Obviously you are not happy and not able to live life as you would like to, so getting help would be a really good idea.Can you talk to your GP about it? I think they might be able to help.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 06/05/2015 21:35

Hi OP. Normal? There is no normal. There is a gradient of pain, and you are in agony.

Counselling as a first step, therapy next. It's a life's work for someone as badly treated as you were. What helped me (and I suffered nothing as bad) was to realise that was done to you by Them, you needn't keep doing to yourself.

I've been lucky since with the family I made. Maybe you'll make one, maybe you won't. But you won't repeat old mistakes. Go and get a new life.

Original poster
Bluegreen12 · 06/05/2015 21:37

What am I meant to tell the GP. I don't think they would care much about my story. I ve been there before about something else. It's so busy the GP doesn't really care about you. They just try and treat you as quick as possible because it's so busy. They re not exactly therapists anyways. I don't know what she would tell me about this. I'm sure the GP won't give you anti depressants unless you re severely depressed and want to kill yourself

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluegreen12 · 06/05/2015 21:40

DisgraceToTheYChromosome
Hey (:
What am I meant to say to my mum. Like I said I don't think she was brought up right. She is actually a nice person. She wouldn't understand if I said I wasn't happy. She wouldn't take me seriously. She's brought up in a culture where having any sort of mental illness is frowned upon.

Yeah I have a difficult life.

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 06/05/2015 21:40

Oh love, you sound very depressed and anxious. Could you go to your GP and ask to be reffered to counselling and maybe consider some medication for your anxiety. Your view of yourself is so very skewed.

May I respectfully ask if English is your first language or are you on your phone? Its just that your post is a bit all over the place and im worried that you aren't feeling well.

Original poster
Bluegreen12 · 06/05/2015 21:45

English isn't my first language. But I live in the u.k and I do talk to freinds in English.
I'm on my phone and some of the stuff I ve said have been autocorrect.
Sorry if it was unpleasant to read
BUT, I'm glad you asked me that because since i started high school, and I ve been bullied very badly. My speech has gone really bad. The things I say don't make sense. I know for a fact that I haven't been always like that. My English used to be very good and I used to get awarded these little competitions like sorry writing, that you do up til yr 8. But since year 9, I ve actually felt that I don't speak as well,anymore. People have difficulty understanding me. The words I put together in a sentence don't go together. They don't make sense

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 06/05/2015 21:51

You are right, your GP isn't a therapist, their job is to refer you to a therapist who will have time to listen.

TheoriginalLEM · 06/05/2015 21:56

Your writing is fine and certainly not unpleasant, you are clearly intelligent. It isn't a criticism, i was just worried for you.

I suffer from anxiety and when i am in a bad way my speech (and typing) can suffer. Its like i don't have enough brain power for the anxiety AND talking.

I really think you need to see your Dr, its shitty if your Dr isn't understanding but they should refer you for counselling and they absolutely do not reserve anti-depressants for those who are suicidal.

Is there anyone in real life who you can talk to? (not your mum) It does sound like she has had a difficult time too, its not about blame is it, its about finding peace with yourself. I really hope you can do that.

Original poster
Bluegreen12 · 06/05/2015 21:59

Would I be able to go to the GP and get counselling without my mum finding out?
I don't think I can talk to my freinds about this. They wouldn't know what to say. I don't blame them either. I personally wouldn't know what to say if I was them either

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluegreen12 · 06/05/2015 22:00

I don't think I can tell anyone else really. I have two brothers. I doubt they d take me seriously

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluegreen12 · 06/05/2015 22:02

I wouldn't be online if I had someone that I couldn't talk this about with. I don't feel this is something you can just go and tell your freinds or teachers at school. It feels like I'm making something out of nothing (idk how to explain it).
It's like I'm making a small problem big
Or even attention seeking

OP posts:
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 06/05/2015 22:03

Thank for the smiley. Don't talk to your mum about this. She hasn't the tools to understand your pain.

Your GP can refer you for counselling and therapy. Ours referred DD when she was in the depths of teenage despair. Six months on, we had a happy young woman who picked me up and carried me round the room to celebrate. I weigh 17 stone/110 kilos. You have to admit that's pretty good. I take it you're quite young? The earlier you start the better.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 06/05/2015 22:05

X-post: your GP need not tell anyone.

Original poster
Bluegreen12 · 06/05/2015 22:07

Yeah I'm 17.
One of the other spreasons I don't want to go see a counsellor is that I really don't believe it can make anything better. They can't just make me stop feeling angry at my mum whenever she speaks or shout at her. You're probably thinking right now that it can. I know it has worked for other people. But I genuinely feel like therapy isn't for me. I don't understand how it can change these views I ve had for years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluegreen12 · 06/05/2015 22:12

I ve known this friend who had had a counsellor coming into see her twice every week in high school. I don't think it worked for her. She was still exactly the same. She had these anger problems that she couldn't control. Therapy/ counselling did nothing.

Because I didn't want to go see the GP to get anti depressants I was going to order from a pharmacy online but I read that there's research which shows it can affect your brain.
I do psychology as one of my a levels. You basically learn these treatments that therapists use on people with anxiety. It didn't really work for me.

Also, when I said before that I ve been to the GP before about stuff. It's not a medical issue. I go to the GP to do shadowing to help me get into university for a course related to health care. Also, my dad had diabetes so he goes there for checkups and stuff at least twice a month so the GP knows exactly who I am which is why I'm scared to go thee about depression/anxiety

OP posts:
Zillie77 · 06/05/2015 22:14

Dear Bluegreen12,

I also really urge you to seek some professional care. I had tons of mental health issues as a teenager, and never told anyone about them. I went for the next 25 years with on and off agony, and while I did make my way in life pretty well, developed a terrific work and home life, it was not until I was 40 when I finally decided to seek help. It changed my life. My first thought after I realized how much help therapy and antidepressants were for me was "wow, I should have done this when I was 15."

You say your mom is nice, and perhaps she is, but you have not had adequate parenting thus far. I know how that is, I was in the same situation at your age. It is not going to be possible to change your mom very much, but you can do a lot to strengthen your coping skills and learn to be free of distress and have a happy life.

Best of luck!

Zillie77 · 06/05/2015 22:16

Oh, I also never told my friends about my troubles back then, but when I started to talk about it, at age 40, when I told friends whom I had known back then, they all said that they wished I had told them back then so they could have been a source of support. So re-consider talking to any of your peers with whom you feel safe.

TheoriginalLEM · 06/05/2015 22:21

i felt the same as you do Blue about therapy but i finally found a therapist who was able to help me start to change my thinking patterns. It is really really hard but i have started to feel more in control.

Being 17 is tough at the best of times and a certain amount of what you are feeling is normal angst thst changing hormones and life challenges but you have had to deal with alot so it is not surprising you are struggling.

I promise your dr wont tell your mum. Is there a counsellor at school?

Original poster
Bluegreen12 · 06/05/2015 22:21

Hey zilli77
You might just think that because your freinds are mature now, and they are probably mums as well. They know how to be supportive in this kind of situation. But do you think they would have knows what to say back then when you had your problems.
I feel like if I tell a friend about this, they wouldn't know what to say but when something goes wrong, they wild think it's because I have depression or anxiety or whatever. I cannot stand it when people ask me if I'm okay all the time or if I want to talk about anything.
This girl in my biology asked me on Tuesday why do I look sad and I looked victimized. Yeah she real,y used that word. No ones ever said that to me before. I know that she was just asking me if I was okay but it really made me feel dmfenjefnjdfnjfr inside. I couldn't stop thinking about what she said all day. It was the only thing I thought about for ages

OP posts:
somethingmorepositive · 06/05/2015 22:23

I think the reason you think therapy won't help you is that you have given up on yourself right now. However the right therapist really can help you see that the negative things you are telling yourself are NOT the truth. They're just thoughts - negative thoughts, not reality. And learning about different forms of therapy in school isn't the same as working with a trained therapist. In therapy, your therapist will be able to offer you insights into yourself that you are too close to the problems to see. She (or he) will gradually help you question your automatic negative, painful thoughts. I hope you will be able to find someone who can really help.

Zillie77 · 06/05/2015 22:24

Gosh, sorry for the third message, but your situation is so evocative for me! Don't read too much about antidepressants! Just give it a try! Don't order them on-line, get a proper Rx, that is much safer. Some of the on-line meds are not calibrated well.

Like you, I also work in healthcare, and ironically, that kept me from getting help for a long time. People who are used to or are in training to (as it seems you are) help others are not very easily convinced to accept help themselves. The phenomenon is that of the "wounded healer." Google it if you like.

The biggest side effect I have had on antidepressants is a lack of depression! Go figure!

Original poster
Bluegreen12 · 06/05/2015 22:24

I don't want to tLk to the counsellor at colleg. I actually prefer going to the doctor over that because teachers in school would find out.they already look at me like I'm abnormal. I wouldn't want them to treat me in a special way because I have anxiety.

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 06/05/2015 22:26

PLEASE don't order anti-depressants online. Many antidepressants are not suitable for younger people and they can have dangerous side effects. This is something that can be discussed with your dr.