Do I sound nirmal

[Bluegreen12]

It's like everytime she speak I get really angry I side. She is actually a very nice person. Basically she left me at my grandmothers when I was a baby because she didn't want to give up her work as she was raised in poverty and she didn't want us to live like that. Because I was a girl, my grandmother neglected me. I don't think my mum knows how to look after children because she came from a family of 10 which was in poverty at the time. I'm sure her mother never had time to look after her which is probanly why she isn't the most caring person in the world. When I was young my mum used to work like 6/7 days a week so I barely saw her. She always worked on weekends so the only day she had off was on a weekday and I would probanly be in school. Because she didn't exactly bring me up herself, I was never very close to her. I started getting really bad.y bullied in primary school but I never told my mum because I was never close to her. I don't think I told anyone. Basically I had no freinds. We then moved houses and I changed schools because my mum got a work somewhere else. In that school I had freinds and I was fine. Then I started high school where literally no one liked me and my freinds tried to avoid me and talked behind my back all the time.

I feel like a messed up person.
I became paranoid and depressed. I still couldn't tell my mum because she was working all the time. I felt like she wa neglecting me as well. And the. I started hating on her.This really weird thing happened in school. Basically, everytime this certain teacher walked passed me, I stared at him. I don't know why. I didn't even like him. I can swear down that I did not have a crush on him what so ever. Idk why I looked at him.
He got paranoid that I had a crush in him and he quit his job. None of the teachers then liked me and kept giving me evils for the rest of my high school life. Thankfully none of the kids found out in school and it was kept confidential.

Then I went onto college. I'm sure the teachers from my high school told my teachers at college about this teacher thing. I don't know if I'm just thinking that or if they actually did.The thing is, they never told my parents about it so idk if they would tell teachers at my college about it.

Anyways. I feel like a messed up person because I'm literally scared of doing everything. I'm scared of hurting people, I'm scared of just talking to certain people. I'm scared of doing chemistry experiments. I'm scared of looking teachers in the face. I always look away.

Do I sound normal?

[Bluegreen12]

Zilli777
I'm only 17
I'm not in a health care field
I want to do a course related to health care at uni
I go to the GP to do a workplacement thing/ shadowing so I can put that on my Univeristy application

[Zillie77]

Hey Bluegreen,

Well, you have a point there, but many of my friends back then were boys and they are still friends and are great. I guess it might be their age but there are lots of really terrific teens out there, I have four teens myself and they are really open-minded and kind, for example. (Not bragging, just saying...)

I don't want you to do anything that makes you feel unsafe, though. You know that being depressed is like seeing the world through sh*t-colored glasses, and everything looks lousy when viewed that way, so your perspective may be off as well.

You will be in my thoughts. You seem like a sweet kid.

[Bluegreen12]

Thanks zilli
I wish everyone thought that about me (:

[somethingmorepositive]

What LEM says about some types of antidepressants not being suitable for teens is very true. Please don't order them online. It's really not safe.

Just the fact that you have come on here to post shows what an intelligent, resourceful, thoughtful person you are. I second what Zilli says - you do seem like a sweet kid.

[Bluegreen12]

Thanks somethingmorepositive ??
Thanks for the support and advice everyone ??. It really has made me feel better

[Bluegreen12]

I think just talking about it on here has made me feel better. I ve never shared any of this stuff with anyone before. Especially the stuff about the teacher that I mentioned at the start.
Really happy I posted here. Everyone who replied veers very nice and caring. Thanks very much! ??

[Smorgasboard]

Sounds like regarding the teacher you understandably are holding a subjective opinion that you caused him to resign. Being more objective have you considered that he may well have resigned due to other things than you staring him out? If you were the reason, then it's the teacher that has an issue by leaving over an insignificant occurrence, that would be odd behaviour and is not likely.. Sometimes thinking that you have a power to cause negative events, when in reality that power was never really yours, can be a manifestation of stress - you know you have had a hard time growing up.
All you need to do is believe that you have caused something negative, then its a short step to the next falsehood to yourself that everyone else knows it too. Suddenly, you can reflect back altered behaviour to everyone around you, expecting the worst, taking every negative you see in them as being down to knowledge of what you didn't cause, that teacher's resignation.
Therapy may help you to live in the now, sometimes people act off with each other because of how they find them at the time, not because of a past thing. Sometimes people hold grudges, but mostly experience and time shows us, as it is already beginning to show you, that bad deeds are done for a background reason that can be understood, as in your mothers case. You know she could have done a lot better, but you understand where she is coming from, so maybe judge less harshly, doesn't make her right. People will not be judging you harshly on a much less act. They would wonder why, and ask you maybe.
Hope you can work through your difficulties, we can all behave in odd ways at times due to past events - but an all-consuming preoccupation with negative things, is not 'normal' (or rather would not be what most people do on average throughout life).

[villainousbroodmare]

Bluegreen, you sound like a lovely person who is really doing her best and trying to understand some difficult people and situations.
I think it would be a terrible idea to order medication online.
I think a therapist (but it has to be the right one) would be able to help you a lot. You do probably have to go via the GP to find a suitable therapist or support group, but perhaps you could register with a different GP as a starting point if you think that would suit your situation better.
But you really have to be brave and pro-active to get the ball rolling.
The very, very best of luck to you.

[Laladeepsouth]

Please go to see a physician. I don't think you need to worry about anyone in your family knowing;you should be protected by privacy laws. You could call and ask about it. As another poster said, try to be brave and don't be afraid to keep insisting on getting help. That's the whole point of having all these systems in place. If you don't care for the doctor you've been seeing, find another doctor and explain the depth of your depression and confusion. It's very possible that you truly need medication to help lift your mood and dispel some of your phobic thoughts and feelings. Anti-depressants, etc., can be life saving/changing when actually needed. (I agree with the other posters: don't order online! There are just too many different types with very specific usages, as I'm sure you know, and many are incredibly dangerous knock-offs.) I agree with the other posters: a good therapist and perhaps the right support group will help tremendously. But you need to get the correct diagnosis.

I feel certain, also, that you had nothing to do with your teacher's leaving his position. If there is more to this story, it still cannot have been your fault. I believe your fears are groundless, and I can't imagine any way in which this would be carrying over to your college. These particular fears are concerning but may just be due to your loneliness, isolation, and depression. But all the more reason to see someone and keep trying until you do. Just as you wouldn't expect a person who is has type 1 diabetes or a poorly functioning gall bladder to get well without seeing a medical doctor or taking medication -- don't burden yourself more by trying to handle this any longer by yourself.

I wish you the best and hope things begin to get much better.

[Bluegreen12]

I was told by someone to get tested for Asperger's syndrome as the problems in my life might not actually be caused by anxiety or bringing up etc

[pocketsaviour]

Hello Bluegreen,

It's possible that you may have Aspergers, however it's also possible to have Aspergers AND be anxious due to your past!

Can you think about making an appointment with a GP at your practise, but not the one you normally see (or do shadowing with), or that your dad sees? Perhaps you would feel more comfortable seeing a woman doctor?

Anti-depressants can certainly make a big difference and the side effects have to be viewed along with the good effects, if you see what I mean. So the tablets might make you feel a bit sick in the mornings, but if they are also helping you concentrate on your studies and feel less anxious, then that is an overall good thing. You know what I mean?

Please do look at seeing a therapist. As you are 17 your GP may be able to refer you to CAMHS in your area, who in my experience with my son are very very helpful, non judgmental and your confidentiality will be respected.

Good luck Bluegreen, you deserve a better and more peaceful life

[FredaMayor]

Hi Bluegreen. You have been having a very difficult time, and like the other people replying to your posts I think it would help you a lot to speak to a GP about what has been happening to you.

I work in health care and I can assure you that whatever your age the law says your GP must keep secret from everyone else everything you talk about with them, and that rule also includes anyone that you may be referred to for help or therapy. If that does not happen then they would be breaking the law and they would lose their job and not be able to work in health care again.

So I really hope that puts your mind at rest about trusting a doctor or therapist! No-one will be able to find out anything without your understanding and permission. You could go to "NHS Choices >Your Health Care Records >Sharing Your Information" you want to find out more about it before you speak to a GP.

You shouldn't be afraid to ask for help, we all do at some time in our lives. You don't have to be alone. x

[Bluegreen12]

I ve got lots of exams coming up starting on Monday. I'll try and make an appointment after my exams.
Thanks for all the support :)

[Bluegreen12]

Hi, I just wanted to say something on here because I'm feeling really down and I have no one else to tell.
Basically, my mum made me go into town today to get her nephew a game which he wanted for his Nintendo gaming console.
And after I bought a game, I phoned my mum asking her if I can buy a £1 notebook so I can revise for my biology exam and she started screaming at me down the phone.
I was really down after that because my mum said I can't buy someothing so cheap which I actually need to revise but she can pay for this kids game which costs so much more thn a notebook.
I've always felt easier to tell my brothers' thing when stuff goes wrong. So I told my older brother how annoyed I was about her not letting me buy the notebook and he started having a go at me saying that I'm just being spoilt for being annoyed over small things like that and we had an argument and he said. No wonder no one likes you. Even I'm starting to not like you anymore.
I found this really mean because all I asked was for a notebook. I'm doing a level biology right now and j have less than a week to revise the whole thing somehow. I really needed a notebook to make notes and my mum was like why don't you just read over it.
If biology was a subject which you can just read over once and just know everything, then biology won't be actually known as the hardest a level subject.

After all these arguments with my mum and and brother has actually made me feel really down.i kind of feel like running away. I can't cope with stress as it is. I just feel like I don't belong here anymore
I'm feeling quite depressed and I ve just wasted quite a lot of hours just sitting here being sad about my life. I really don't know what to do anymore.

[Bluegreen12]

I just feel like I can't handle anything anymore. The last thing I want to do now is waste my time and then end up failing all my upcoming exams.

[somethingmorepositive]

Hi Bluegreen12, I was hoping things might be going better for you. I agree that sounds really unfair about the notebook. Is there a teacher you could speak with who could maybe get you a notebook somehow?

[educatingarti]

Hi Bluegreen

I think you sound like a brilliant person who has just had a lot of hard things to deal with.

Firstly I would ask your form teacher or biology teacher if there is any way you could have a notebook from school - or even if there is scrap paper from the photocopier that is still clean on one side that you could make notes on. Im sure he/she would be sympathetic if you explained you didn't have money and your mum refused to buy you one. If I was your teacher and heard something like that, I'd have bent over backwards to support a student who actually really wanted to do revision! I work as a tutor and I totally agree with you - you can't revise just by reading your book - you need to make notes, draw diagrams, write out answers to practice questions etc. You are diong amazingly well to be coping with your A -levels as well as all the emotional stuff that is going on.

Secondly - I do thing you could do with some support in the form of counselling or therapy. I've had emotional problems from my upbringing that have affected me since I was your age. For years I struggled on but finally got counselling when I was in my late 30's. It has been the best thing I've done to help with my problems (together with starting on anti-depressants) and I wish I'd done it 20 years earlier. I agree, waiting till your exams are over is probably sensible, but if your GP refers you to a therapist, there is likely to be a waiting list so if you wanted to see your GP now you could do as you are unlikely to be able to see a therapist straight away.

Thirdly - don't worry about feeling angry towards your mum inside - most teenagers, even without the hurts that you have described, feel very angry with their parents at times! I know you have some idea from your A level about what therapies might entail and can't see how it would help the way you feel, but believe me, the right therapy can be brilliant. It may help you to process the anger you are feeling towards your mum so that it doesn't feel so "stuck". It could help with lots of other things too.

Keep going as best you can for now, taking one day at a time through your exams and then do go to your GP and ask for help. People on here can also help and encourage you a bit, but believe me, a good therapist can help so much more!!