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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is lying ever forgivable?

41 replies

KerryCatOwner · 06/05/2015 00:34

If you're in a casual relationship and the person lies to you (not about something huge but they really made an effort to be untruthful) is it ever something you can discuss and move past or is it a clear sign they will lie about other things later?

The lie was deliberate, but done at a moment of impulse.

Move past it or definite problem?

OP posts:
MumsSnot · 06/05/2015 00:37

In my experience, I would see this as a red flag Kerry. Sorry, but a little white lie in the early stages can/will turn into a massive issue in the long run. Hope you're OK Sad

bigbumbrunette · 06/05/2015 07:44

As I sit here trying to unravel the Web of lies of my marriage, I look back to the first red flag and wish I'd listened to my gut instincts.

HetzelNatur · 06/05/2015 07:47

Problem. Sorry. Walk away now.

NotQuiteCockney · 06/05/2015 07:55

Lying is perfectly fine - if it's about a birthday surprise, or to protect someone else's secret (and isn't actually relevant to the person being lied to).

Joysmum · 06/05/2015 08:12

I hate lying but context and intent is everything. I'm not down on all lies.

Mum4Fergus · 06/05/2015 08:14

It would come down to the context for me OP.

Original poster
KerryCatOwner · 06/05/2015 08:46

He did something, tried to cover it up. He doesn't know I know he lied and he's carrying on with it. The context isn't good but then the lie is sort of insignificant and I have no idea why he would lie about something so dumb. Just how convincing he is, was scary.

OP posts:
PeppermintCrayon · 06/05/2015 08:47

When people show you who they are, believe them.

Allstoppedup · 06/05/2015 08:52

Big, big red flag.

If he can lie so convincingly with seemingly no remorse he will lie about anything to cover his own back.

As PP have said, little white lies to cover a surprise -yes!
or when my DP says I look good first thing in the morning- yes!

Being purposefully deceptive to cover your own back-nope.

Sorry OP.

Allstoppedup · 06/05/2015 08:53

Sorry, that meant to say "if he can lie so convincingly about something insignificant..."

ThatBloodyWoman · 06/05/2015 08:53

When you're in a casual relationship/early stages of a relationship,aim high,and if in doubt walk away.

If you could add together the sum total of wasted years in mumsnet having not followed that advice,there'd be many lives worth.

Why take the chance? Fuck him,he lied.Dump him.If he can't make an effort to behave and be open and honest now,why get in any further?

Original poster
KerryCatOwner · 06/05/2015 08:53

So you think there's no point confronting and asking for honesty in future? I'm so annoyed....I have put my heart into this man and over something so stupid he's lost my trust.

OP posts:
PeppermintCrayon · 06/05/2015 08:57

OP, be careful. Effectively you're saying: I invested in an idea of this man and I don't want to accept that I was wrong.

Honesty is a pretty basic thing. You shouldn't have to ask for it.

Only1scoop · 06/05/2015 08:57

I'd probably bring up that I know he's lying. It would probably mean Id never trust him again. It's hard once you see someone is capable of a lie.

ThatBloodyWoman · 06/05/2015 09:01

Look at it another way,op.
He's been sprung early,and you are free to move on.
No children,no house,no financial implications.
Good result in my book.

Original poster
KerryCatOwner · 06/05/2015 09:02

Peppermint, that's probably actually what I do mean, I don't really want to accept this. Feel so let down but deep down I think my brain knew the answer of I would not have posted here. Have not seen him face to face since the lie, it was texted to me, and I have been avoiding seeing him because I don't know how to handle this. It's made me question everything else he has ever said so I know this is the poison lies spreads isn't it

OP posts:
Meerka · 06/05/2015 09:03

He did something, tried to cover it up.

Just how convincing he is, was scary.

If he lies about something small he'll lie about something big ... And you won't know. He'll tell you everything is ok and you won't ever know if you can believe him. Once somethign like this happens, it marks the relationship in a bad way. it's a very small thing from what you said but his response is something to remember.

Two caveats: are you absolutely dead certain he did knowingly lie?
And lying-by-omission or occasionally active lying are okay if you have to protect someone's safety

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 06/05/2015 09:04

Kerry. Run, run like the wind. My XH used to lie about stupid stuff all the time. There were many big lies I never got to the bottom of. He would lie when the truth would have served him better. It is impossible to have a close relationship with a liar, as you don't know who they are, they are not showing you. It didn't get any better, and over time you kind of normalise it. It was part of many personality problems. Get out now, before you invest any more.

Original poster
KerryCatOwner · 06/05/2015 09:12

Yes, absolutely certain he did lie, and absolutely certain that when I mildly questioned it he tried to turn the tables a bit. It was uncomfortable to say the least

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 06/05/2015 09:19

Massive red flags there OP, and I think you already knew the answer.

The fact that he lies so well would mean you couldn't ever really trust him to tell the truth. The fact it was over something insignificant would indicate that he has a very casual relationship with truth-telling. :(

Meerka · 06/05/2015 09:26

and absolutely certain that when I mildly questioned it he tried to turn the tables a bit.

.... next time, he'll do the same thing. So you'll be able to tell when he's lying becuase he'll try to make things your fault.

Is he worth it?

Original poster
KerryCatOwner · 06/05/2015 09:27

I did already know the answer :(

OP posts:
Original poster
KerryCatOwner · 06/05/2015 09:28

Meerka I suppose if I was being clever I'd say no one is worth it are they. Doesn't mean this isn't painful for me. It's hard to do the smart thing sometimes isn't it.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 06/05/2015 09:36

Of course it's painful, but remember, it hurts because he isn't who you thought he was. Staying with this guy isn't going to change that. You wouldn't be with the man you were getting fond of because that man does not exist. All you're letting go of is an illusion.

(God, I wish I'd ditched XH the first time he blatantly lied to me... or the third or the fifth... apart from anything else it shows a massive disrespect for the other person which doesn't bode at all well for a lifetime partnership.)

HFarnsworth · 06/05/2015 09:40

I have been responsible for two lately at opposite ends of the spectrum.

First one my DP asked what I had for my tea, and I said I had the remains of a healthy rice and bean salad, when I actually had a frozen pizza (I was rumbled as the box was found). Forgivable?

Second I didn't say how much I owed on a credit card as I was struggling with paying bills and hoped I could sort it out. Not really forgivable.