Is lying ever forgivable?

[KerryCatOwner]

If you're in a casual relationship and the person lies to you (not about something huge but they really made an effort to be untruthful) is it ever something you can discuss and move past or is it a clear sign they will lie about other things later?

The lie was deliberate, but done at a moment of impulse.

Move past it or definite problem?

Everybody lies. Read Born Liars by Ian Leslie or The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty by Dan Ariely.

Everybody fucking doesn't, thank Messrs Leslie and Ariely (whoever they may be) very much. Fair enough to say not everybody tells the whole truth all the time, that would be quite a bad thing! (Don't we all loathe the "I was just being honest" excuse for being offensive?)

As for the pizza thing, why would you lie? Why not just say you had pizza? It's your stomach after all. It's a totally unnecessary untruth, unless your DP is the type to make something out of it, in which case you've got more problems than your dietary habits. I actually find the credit card thing more understandable, if misguided.

I lied at a job interview for a job literally at the other end of the country.

Employer: "Say, Dottie (not my real name), that's a big move. Why do you want to move so far away?"

Dottie's untruthful reply: "Because I am very career driven and this job offers great potential for my professional growth and development and these types of opportunity don't exist locally."

Dottie's truth: "Because I am running for my life from a violent partner who is harassing me and threatening to kill me and I need to relocate far, far away, and I need money to survive."

Honest question to prospective employers: Would I have got the job if I'd told the truth?

Yes kerry :( it really is hard to do the healthy thing especially if you like(d) the guy.

Sorry if I was being a bit snippy. I could just extrapolate into the future and see someone's who's with this man walking on eggshells and being frankly victimised. Probably looking too deep into it - it was only one small lie. But the way he handled it is worrying; denying it and trying to turn it back on you.

Ah, but in the case of the job interviews everyone only tells the appropriate truth And employers expect no less. "Because I need the money" goes without saying for pretty much any job with a salary. Besides, when there are violent exes on your tail you do what you need to survive. Like the age-old moral question: would you steal a loaf of bread, no I wouldn't, but would you steal one if you or your children were starving, yes I would and would hope not to be judged too harshly for it.

I have no problem with lying as such -I am currently teaching my children the fine art.
But there are people you can lie to and people you can't.
Your partner is someone you don't lie to.
(Unless it involves the purchase of another pair of boots,which falls under a different category)

Hello and sorry for abandoning my own thread there, I have been working mad shifts and had family visiting so not had a minute really as I was dead on my feet by the time I had any time alone.

Meerka not all all snippy there, you've been a love.

I am trying to work through this issue quite slowly and carefully in my mind rather than going gung ho into it because I do really like this fella.

I am in very early stages with him of just a few dates and I don't know him that well to be honest.

I do see some clear motivation with this man for being untruthful with me but I am not sure really how I feel about it. My first reactions was that if he can lie like that about something small he can lie like that about anything and the trust is damaged but I'm not sure that is overly dramatic and judgemental at such an early stage when no trust has really been established.

If I am completely truthful I have told him a few whoppers actually. Like that I gave up smoking (still on a few cheeky fags a day and am dying for one when we're out) or that I haven't kissed anyone for six months when I kissed someone after we met actually. None of those little things mean I like him less or that I am untruthful in a relationship with my partner but I am not there with him yet.

From the minute we were officially boyfriend / girlfriend I'd be absolutely truthful with him so I am not sure how big a deal this is.

I was thinking I'd go out with him and talk about it and see what he says. I've not called him out on it yet.

That sound reasonable but ... untruths have been told on both sides. You haven't siad what it was he lied about ( nor do you have to) but the fact he did unequivocally lie, rather than a slide-around-the-truth-lie, and that he tried to turn it back on you is a big problem.

I think you're right, trust is damaged. With reason. He needs watching very carefully for a long time. I'd honestly give him a miss .... and also be truthful with the next possibility about your smoking :) (one single kiss doenst matter imo)

We lie when we are frightened of the consequences of telling the truth. So you desperately need a job or your children will starve, you lie if needs be. But when people lie about stupid things, it basically means they are cowards.

So what was his lie? There are so many types of lie, and there is such a thing as a 'victimless' lie.
Another thought; I'm not saying you should go out with 'damaged goods,' but in think some people lie out of necessity as children (children of controlling, abusive parents for example) and it can be a hard habit to break as adults.

Is his lie on par with your lies to him?

Personally, your lies are a kind of biggies for me. I just don't date smokers. Why lie about kissing when both agree its not exclusive and just casual?

So, I am wondering where you draw your line in the sand about lies. If he knew about either of those lies, would he have similar thoughts that you are having about him?

Oh, you're lying to him as well, that puts an entirely different slant on things. Why should he be expected to be any more honest than you are? (The smoking thing brings back jolly memories of XH, who kept on insisting he hadn't had a fag when he reeked of it, although I'd told him 'til I was blue in the face that I didn't mind if he couldn't manage to give up smoking - I never actually did ask him to give up - but I did mind about being lied to. Why the fuck I didn't dump him the first time I caught him having a crafty puff I really don't know.)

Hint to smokers: if you say you haven't been smoking when you have, nobody believes you!

What was his lie?

I agree with most, if he can lie about the small things how can you ever trust him? But then, if my DP smelled of smoke but insisted he hadn't been smoking I'd be pretty pissed off with him, as im not stupid and can easily tell if someone has been smoking within the last 24 hours, so I'm not sure your lie is any better.

The kissing thing, well if it was literally at the start of your relationship you should have just been honest, but at that stage you didn't feel like you owed him anything yet so it seemed easier to keep the peace by not admitting to it. If his lie is on a par with this then I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

Without knowing what it is it's difficult to judge.

I am 2 weeks away from leaving my husband due to his lies. I always knew he exaggerated, i always knew that he would lie about his past in order to hide aspects of it from me....but it has taken 5 years to fully understand the extent of his lies.

I have come to realise that he is indeed a compulsive habitual liar, to whom lying is easy and second nature. Whenever a lie is discovered he will try to cover it up or explain it with another lie.

It has reached the point that i dont know who he really is, i dont know which parts of him are real and which are fabrications.

BUT what i know to be absolutely true is that it is impossible to have a relationship with a compulsive liar without ending up being very hurt.