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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

STBXH is kicking off about my FWB and I'm quite scared.

41 replies

weedinthepool · 04/05/2015 16:47

I've been seeing this guy for a few week, nothing serious just a friend with benefits type situation.

Obviously I kept it quiet from stbxh as he's abusive.

So my 'friend' stayed over last night and ex turned up out of the blue with the dc's to check on me because I've been quite down lately and drinking alot. I told him he couldn't come in and I'm not a good liar and stbxh asked if I had a bloke there so I had to admit it. So he royally kicked off saying I was a fucking bitch and I'm not prioritising the dc's and I'm this terrible person. I would never introduce my friend to the dc's, they are with stbxh until 6, so I thought it was ok to have him here.

I've had loads of abusive texts and calls off ex and he just told me to fuck off with such venom on the phone that I'm really worried about drop off. He has been violent before.

OP posts:
WeAreEternal · 04/05/2015 16:52

Do you have anyone why can come around and be with you at drop off to ensure nothing happens?

If not I would be calling 101 and letting them know the situation so that they can be ready just incase you need to call them at 6

AnyFucker · 04/05/2015 16:54

he did this in front of the dc's and has been violent in the past ?

lovey, call 101 and report this

Rollercola · 04/05/2015 16:56

Not that it should matter, but how long have you been separated from stbxh? My exh is like this, didn't want me but doesn't want me to be with anyone else either.

Definitely see if you can have someone with you when he drops off. Report it to 101. Ignore all phone calls & only respond to texts about children.

flippinada · 04/05/2015 17:02

Poor you, I'm not surprised you're worried - I also want to reassure you haven't done anything wrong (sorry if that sounds patronising). What a nasty piece of work your ex sounds.

I would second getting someone round for support and to call 101 given that he's previously been violent.

auntpetunia · 04/05/2015 17:45

Do you think he turned up deliberately, knowing you'd had no dcs overnight as a way to catch you out? If you think he's going to cause trouble at 6 can you get someone to be there, if not phone 101 and let them know there may be problems.

Original poster
weedinthepool · 04/05/2015 18:03

I've phoned 101. Sat here a quivering wreck waiting for him. We've been separated for 8 months roller.

I'm practising saying 'I'm not engaging with you in front of the dc's'.

I thought by leaving him I'd be free of this fear. Obviously not Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/05/2015 18:06

Stay strong, lovey

FenellaFellorick · 04/05/2015 18:10

He is your ex. It is none of his damned business if you're banging the whole of the England rugby team.

If he is being threatening report him.
You are not his property.

YonicScrewdriver · 04/05/2015 18:11

Hang in there. He doesn't own you.

TisILeclerc · 04/05/2015 18:14

You will be fear free eventually. I've got two more years on your separation and I'm getting there. Leaps and bounds were made once we'd been to court and he was exposed as the lying dick he is.

Stay strong. Hope everything is going ok.

mynewpassion · 04/05/2015 18:14

Have you been drinking more than usual? That would be an issue re: the children. FwB not a concern for him.

HelenaDove · 04/05/2015 18:33

Its none of his fucking business who you are seeing or what you do in your spare time OP. He is a controlling abusive fuckwit who sees you as his property.

Stay strong Thanks

Original poster
weedinthepool · 04/05/2015 18:38

Only on the weekends passion when I don't have the kids.

He's been and gone, he was arsey but not threateningly so. He took next Friday off work to look after DD because I have to do a video link with the police about my childhood sexual abuse and now he's saying he won't look after her because he will be too hungover Hmm

What an arsehole. I'm so glad to be rid of such an unpleasant, nasty, hard hearted bastard. The divorce is going to be so amicable, not.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/05/2015 18:43

Make other child care arrangements for next Friday. Don't give him the opportunity to fuck you over.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 04/05/2015 18:51

Calling you a fucking bitch and not prioritising the dc's when they're not even there isn't just intrusive and abusive, it's bloody doolally. And turning up on the doorstep unannounced just to "catch you out" is doolally squared.

You need to be thinking about hand-overs away from your home in a public place, maybe done by a third party.

Original poster
weedinthepool · 04/05/2015 18:59

I will AF. I'm shaking I'm so angry. I've wasted the whole afternoon (and the past decade!) in absolute panic and fear of him. He fucking raped me and broke my ribs and he has the gall to call me a fucking bitch and say I've got my priorities wrong. I could have got him put in prison. He has fucked me over for the last time. I am so sick of him using the kids to emotionally abuse me.

He definitely came round this morning to catch me out. And he brought the kids with him!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/05/2015 19:03

Yep, he is trying to slut shame you in front of your kids

Unforgiveable (along with all the other stuff)

FujimotosElixir · 04/05/2015 19:12

hmmm you are of course entitled to a love life,who you are with is non of his business at all, ....however just reading the abusive history that he has inflicted on you in the im surprised you allow him to have has such regular contact with the children, iys i cant imagine handing my kids over to such a lunatic so i can have my fella round.its says in your op youve been drinking alot? ....make sure you get alt. childcare,sorry you have to do the video linkFlowers

HelenaDove · 04/05/2015 19:20

Elixir Nice bit of slut shaming yourself there. Along with a pinch of victim blaming as a garnish. Have a Biscuit

AnyFucker · 04/05/2015 19:37

FE, that was way out of order

take your judgement and stick it right up your sanctimonious arse

AnyFucker · 04/05/2015 19:38

Hmmmmm did that come with the prerequisite head tilt ?

pocketsaviour · 04/05/2015 19:40

Wind your fucking neck in, FE. Jesus wept.

Original poster
weedinthepool · 04/05/2015 20:42

FE I do not hand the kids over so I can have my friend round! I went out and bumped into him and he came back. He's only been to my house 3 times and never when the children are here.

Ex has never been abusive to the dc's, it's just me he hates. I know how to assess any potential risk my Dc's face from their dad, I'm a social worker and their mother I'd be all over any safeguarding issue like a rash but as it stands he has never laid a finger on them. I know more than anyone that you can not withhold the dc's right to a relationship with their father even in a domestic abuse situation. Have I justified myself enough? Yes I'm drinking too much on a Saturday night because I'm stressed about the historical abuse case, I'm stressed about money, I'm stressed about my marriage breaking down and I have to look after 3dc's and work. So shoot me if I'm not the paragon of virtue you expect, I'm sstruggling.

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 04/05/2015 21:16

Ignore her weed Flowers

FujimotosElixir · 04/05/2015 21:47

oh for gods sake,im asking questions is about info given inthe op im not making presumptions so the vitrolic abusive posters can stop baa-ing...how was that slutshaming? ..hes sounds v. abusive why would you hand your kids over to that? if im the only person thinking that then whatever but im entitled to my opinion, how is it victim blaming either? i quite clearly stated his behaviour was wrong and inexcusable, disagreeing slightly with the consensus doesn't mean throwing around buzzwords actually means anything.