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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

suspect affair

38 replies

londoneria · 28/04/2015 21:06

Hello,
Need some advise please. We are married (happily I thought) with kids in infant school. Both working opposite ends of the day so one of us is always there for children Over the last month have suspected other half of having an affair.

Have been snoopingn(I know maybe I was better off not knowing) and what I've found seems to confirm suspicion.
Going out on evening when supposed to be working (messages indicated thanks for a nice night etc) lunch dates, lots of messages between each other that are then deleted) and have now found hotel receipts for dates when other half supposed to be with mates.

If I hadn't of snooped I would be none the wiser (other than suspicion)
Do I confront or hope whatever is happening fizzles out. I want the marriage to work and don't want to lose other half but trust has now gone....
Feeling very sad and confused....

OP posts:
magoria · 28/04/2015 21:14

Go and see a solicitor. You may want to stay together but knowledge is power and even if you never use it, it helps.

Go to an STI clinic. Sorry but if he is in hotels when he is meant to be else where he is having sex with someone other than you.

If you don't confront then this will eat you from the inside out. You will become a hollow shell of who you are and when there is nothing left he may just leave you any way.

You don't have a marriage any more. That died when he broke his vows. You can create a new relationship but that depends on your other half being totally committed to working to restore what they have destroyed.

They cannot do this if they don't know that you know.

Also what if this affair fizzles out. Will there be a next and a next?

Tell someone you trust or go and see a counsellor. You are going to go through a lot of anger/hurt etc. I don't see how you can go through this betrayal and not let on you know.

There are women on here who have relationships which have survived affairs.

Personally I think you deserve better.

DragonsCanHop · 28/04/2015 22:18

I'm so sorry. My advice would be to gather your evidence, forward emails, screen shot etc don't forget to delete what you send from his delete folder.

Get copies of your important paper work, his payslips, certificates and P46.

See a soliciter so you know what position you are in if needed and think about if you want to be his second best - you deserve better.

Is he texting her? Change her number to yours under her name in his phone and gather your evidence.

Then throw him out and have space to think about what you want.

Cabrinha · 28/04/2015 22:24

What is the "suspect" about?
You know he's cheating on you.
So first up, be honest with yourself.

You certainly can ignore it and hope it fizzles out. That can go three ways:

  • it doesn't, he leaves you but not after months or years of your current soul destroying head fuck life - and you wish you'd had the balls to end
  • it doesn't fizzle out but he doesn't dump you - yay! A half life of destroyed self esteem, constant evidence checking, and maybe an STI
  • it DOES fizzle out, then he starts up with the next one, and the next... See above.

Good luck with that.
For god's sake love, do NOT ignore this.

AnyFucker · 28/04/2015 22:27

he has been using family money on hotels to shag OW

unforgiveable

Jaded2004 · 28/04/2015 22:49

The marriage doesn't work, he has gone elsewhere and it will take years to rebuild trust but only if he's really in it and wants it to work.

LondonRocks · 28/04/2015 22:53

It's not a marriage. He saw to that.

See a solicitor. Keep proof (that is secure and kept away from him).

kiwimommy · 28/04/2015 22:53

I'm having a similar problem. I confronted him straight away - I told him to decide what he wanted out of that relationship & meanwhile I would be staying at a friend's house. He chose me, but there is no happy ending here yet to report. I can't imagine letting your husband continue seeing someone hoping it will run it's course.

LondonRocks · 28/04/2015 23:08

Kiwi, an aside, but why does he get to decide?

Jaded2004 · 28/04/2015 23:10

My h had a massive affair. Move in with ow, I fought to get him back and back he came but he continued to see her, to lie about everything. When id finally had enough and drew a line he decided he really did want me but it was too late. He then spent several years trying to get back with me and then met another woman and is now inflicting exactly the same on her. I should have left him with ow. He has inflicted years of heartbreak on my son now, if I had left him with ow I would have been able to protect ds more. Sounds of do know but ds really would have been better off seeing h once a month instead of h keeping up out of 'duty' and then dumping him again and again. We have been separated 6 years now and still his lies affect ds and I on an almost daily basis. I made the wrong decision back then and due to that my poor ds has suffered.

Jaded2004 · 28/04/2015 23:23

*sounds of do no!??? That was supposed to say something like I know this sounds rather drastic but

Original poster
londoneria · 28/04/2015 23:25

Hi all,
Thanks for the comments. Just to clarify Im the husband in our marriage. Its my wife whom I suspect of having the affair.
As far as I can tell all communication is via social media but it gets deleted. I do have some screen shots but trying to get hold of her phone is tricky as she always has it with her (wonder why....)
Daft as it sounds our relationship hasn't really changed. We don't get an awful lot of time together due to working opposite hours but time spent together is (I thought) good and have a reasonable sex life (once/twice a week) that from memory hasn't changed since last child was born.
I was willing to think it was just a close friendship that was going on between them until finding the hotel receipts. As I said we have 2 kids who are innocent party in this.
I'm rambling but if we can both move on from this (assuming she wants to of course) can we get over this?
Again thanks for the replies

OP posts:
flora717 · 28/04/2015 23:34

You need to know where you stand. Consider the 'worst case', consider what you want.
Trust is very hard to regain. The partner would have to be completely committed to making it work.

AddToBasket · 28/04/2015 23:46

I'm so sorry.

I think you must confront her. Be aware that she is likely not to view herself as completely 'in the wrong' - cheaters don't. They imagine they are just nice good people and if something's gone wrong, then it's probably someone else's fault, at least a little. This means that she might try to make it your fault, heap blame on you - be strong. Remember, and repeat, you didn't deserve this, you deserve better.

You can rescue the marriage. But to do that you have to be ready to shut her out for a while.

Jaded2004 · 28/04/2015 23:47

I'm sorry I assumed you were a woman but some of my advice/experiences still stands. If she's cheating she's cheating. She's left the marriage. Doing what is best for the kids is important but so is what's best for both of you. Can you work through it? My experience and not just stbeh but with others too is that it's an extremely hard thing to do... I'm not sure I've ever forgiven the times I've been cheated on or lied to.

cozietoesie · 28/04/2015 23:48

I may be alone on this one but I don't actually think you can regain trust. I think you can recover an enjoyable relationship if both parties are committed to making it work and prepared to put in the very considerable effort required but that element of trust would be gone permanently - for me at any rate.

Do you want to continue in this relationship, londoneria?

Original poster
londoneria · 29/04/2015 00:06

Thanks again for advise. My heart says yes I want to continue after having spent best part my adult life in this marriage but obviously my head is thinking different. Suppose I need time to think. Trust is huge in my book and can that trust be recovered?

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 29/04/2015 00:17

Have you actually spoken to her about this yet?

Oh and by the way - the advice about going to an STI clinic stands from either side I'm afraid. You'd best pop along and have a checkup.

magoria · 29/04/2015 00:22

The advice is still the same. You deserve better.

cozietoesie · 29/04/2015 00:31

I think so also. I can't understand why she would keep hotel receipts though.

Original poster
londoneria · 29/04/2015 00:32

Not yet. Wanted an unbiased opinion R/L Friends will side with either me or her iykwim.
Good advice about STI though. God what a mess!

OP posts:
Original poster
londoneria · 29/04/2015 00:37

The receipt thing is confusing me too. Could be innocent or a ploy to make me think it's innocent. 2 reasonably local on supposedly night out with mates and 1 further away all at the since start of the year

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 29/04/2015 07:14

The only reasons I can think of to keep hotel receipts these days are to put in some sort of expenses claim (some employers still like receipts in certain circumstances) or as some sort of reminder of an event. (Unless she's badly disorganized and the sort of person who will just stuff things in her purse and forget about them for months.) It's still weird though.

I'd talk to her. Disregard the friends' points of view - your relationship with her is the important thing.

Original poster
londoneria · 29/04/2015 11:27

She doesn't travel for work so she hasn't kept them for that. Can't believe she could betray us like she appears to have done.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 29/04/2015 11:55

Are you going to speak to her about it?

Original poster
londoneria · 29/04/2015 12:09

Yes I will have to. Just have to hope there is a reasonable explanation to all of this

OP posts: