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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help prevent me from doing the "pick me" dance

28 replies

LittIeSongbird · 20/04/2015 14:13

Not an affair situation as such, but complicated.

I have been seeing someone, who I have known as a friend for a long time, casually for a while and completely non-committal. Long story short he was seeing someone else before me and ended up getting hurt.

We were falling for each other and now he isn't because he is still hurting. They are still friends, although she has moved on with someone else.

I have some serious feelings for this guy. I'd love nothing more than for him to forget her and focus on me (and for what its worth I know he still feels something to some extent - oh the ways I've tried to figure out how to make those feelings continue growing).

I am happy to be there for him as a friend and have done really well so far with being impartial and want that to continue.

I just want to make him see me and not continue being in her shadow, but it isn't going to happen. I don't want to compete for him, if only to keep hold of SOME dignity.

Someone give me a slap and hand me a grip. Tell me what to do so I don't get hurt too.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 20/04/2015 16:08

You can't make someone like or love you more, and he might have some feelings for you but clearly not strong enough to make you his number one, simple as that.

I'd look elsewhere for a man that is actually good enough.

ToYouToMe · 20/04/2015 16:20

Is the 'pick me dance' always wrong?

When you go for an interview you have to show you're better than the other 20 candidates. If you want something you should be prepared to fight for it not just walk away.

(Expects torrent of abuse).

Jan45 · 20/04/2015 16:26

The pick me dance is nothing like going for a job interview, it's demeaning yourself out of sheer desperation when a man rejects you for another woman.

Bogeyface · 20/04/2015 16:28

Rather than thinking about it in terms of "pick me", think maybe walking away until (if) he is ready to commit is better for both of you.

You can keep your dignity by saying "Look, I have very strong feelings for you but you have made it clear that you are not ready for a proper committed relationship. I would be happy to see you if and when you do feel ready for that, but in the meantime I think its best if we keep some distance as it would be hard for me to maintain a friendship while you are still in love with your ex".

Then its up to him, if he does get over her and wants to try again with you then you can think about it and go ahead if you want to, but you are also free to see other people if you want to. You may find that when (if) the time comes, you are no longer interested anyway!

ToYouToMe · 20/04/2015 16:31

I provide consulting services. Sometimes a client says s/he is planning to switch to another vendor ('rejects me'). I don't just say 'okay'. I present arguments as to why they should remain with me. I don't find that demeaning in any way - and wouldn't if my OH was thinking of leaving and I wanted us to stay together. Obviously I'm not typical.

Bogeyface · 20/04/2015 16:36

I think the problem is that this isnt really a "pick me dance" situation.

Generally the dance comes about when a cheating spouse has both the cheated on spouse and the affair partner jumping to the cheaters every whim in an attempt to "win" the cheater. Its humiliating and often a deliberate act on the part of the cheater to initiate the dance. In the situation your describe toyou where no other people are involved, then yes of course I think most people would try to put forward a case for staying together if they wanted to, but presumably that relationship would have been a committed loving one at some point.

In this case the OP knows that he is still getting over his ex, and although she wants him to want a relationship her, she knows that at the moment he doesnt and wants to avoid looking needy and clingy. By her own admission it was casual and low key, so I doubt he would respond well to a heavy discussion about "us".

Jan45 · 20/04/2015 16:40

If my OH left me for another woman there's no way I'd be pointing out all my great qualities in the vain hope it might make him stay, he wouldn't have left in the first place would he............jeez.

ToYouToMe · 20/04/2015 16:45

The problem Jan45 is that when we go for an interview we put on our Sunday Best, are positive and upbeat, get our hair done and sell ourselves. Once we've got the job we don't make as much effort.....

Jan45 · 20/04/2015 17:17

Yes, I agree but I still don't see the two situations as similar at all.

Twinklestein · 20/04/2015 17:35

In business you make a strong bid with a view to the highest vote, the vote is cast on the best bid not on the bidder you find the most attractive.

You can't sell your services in a relationship in the same way because the choice isn't made on the quality of a bid but on irrational, uninfluencable factors of personal preference, emotional attachment, chemistry etc.

Once you have to sell yourself to convince a partner, you've kind of already lost the bid.

perfectlyincapable · 20/04/2015 17:41

Can't give advice but just wanted to say I could have written this... your not alone

SanctimoniousItches · 20/04/2015 17:43

I wouldn't be his friend to be honest.

It's painful for you. He gets a relationship with somebody else and he has the benefit of your friendship and the belief that he has you in reserve.

Your friendship is the prize here. He doesn't deserve it.

AuntieStella · 20/04/2015 17:57

If I read the OP correctly, you were friends for a long time with a man who has a partner. At some stage, this moved to a physical relationship (is that what you mean by 'seeing' him). Something happened, and he ended the affair and is with his primary partner. He's said you can still be friends just like before.

You can't make him want you in any other way. His actions say that he's not interested. If he was, when the crisis hit the primary relationship, he would have taken quite a different route.

I suggest you fill your life with your other friends, and anything else which isn't him.

Bogeyface · 20/04/2015 17:57

If my OH left me for another woman there's no way I'd be pointing out all my great qualities in the vain hope it might make him stay

the thing is, the dance can come on so subtly that you dont know you are doing it. If cheating has come out of the blue and you are utterly blindsided, the first instinct can often be to stay together, pretend it never happened. In reality of course that never works, even if you stay together it has to be dealt with, but the if the cheater is playing silly buggers then you can find yourself doing the dance without realising it.

BoozeyTuesday · 20/04/2015 17:59

from what you have said, I don't think this is going anywhere. Being his friend would just make you miserable and stop you moving on, the only really option is to go nc. For closure, you could be totally honest about what you want, lay your cards on the table and see what he says. But after his likely rejection, cut him off and move on. You are worth being the only person in someone's head and you are worth someone having no doubts about you. You shouldn't have to make someone like you, being yourself should be enough.

shovetheholly · 20/04/2015 18:00

I agree with bogey - I don't think this is a 'pick me' dance because basically, this is about two people at different phases in the relationship cycle. One is ready for something committed, the other isn't. It doesn't mean that they are wrong for each other, just wrong at this time. It doesn't even mean that this guy is pining for the woman he's just been with, just that he's still hurting from a bad relationship breakup.

OP: grieving for a relationship is not the same thing as grieving for the person. You can be completely, madly rageful at the person, or deeply, darkly sad about what happened. Either way, it's not really about love or about pining for another person - it's a confused state of being in which someone can simply be reeling from having to process a lot of very difficult stuff. I would be prepared to back off for a bit and give him a bit of time if he is struggling, but I wouldn't wait forever.

Duckdeamon · 20/04/2015 18:03

Don't think it's sensible to be friends, or friends with benefits, from someone you now want more from, better to explain that it no longer works for you because you've now decided you'd like a relationship and recognise that he is not ready for this. And cease or drastically reduce contact for a while.

Duckdeamon · 20/04/2015 18:04

Sorry, meant to say because he's not ready for this or doesn't want a relationship with you.

JulyKit · 20/04/2015 18:11

What Sanctimonious and Duckdeamon said - word for word....

Do you feel as if you have to be some kind of 'loyal friend' to him, even if his behviour is hurting you - because it is his behaviour that's hurting you, isn't it? He's an adult (right?), so can't be so naive as to think that you'll both fall into some kind of FWB lala-land without either of you being so awkward as to experience feelings.

Walk away from him - as a 'friend', as anything at all - and put yourself first for a bit. Give yourself time to forget him, or, at some point, if you feel like it, reassess whether he deserves you sa a friend or in his life at all. But don't deliver yourself up for unnecessary pain and misery by being 'friends' with someone who - whether he's aware of it or not - is hurting you and will continue to do so.

Original poster

LittIeSongbird · 20/04/2015 18:20

Sorry, I feel I may have mislead some of you.

I have been friends with this man through a couple of his relationships (and one of my own).

We happened to be single at around the right time, only he had been seeing someone prior to me who betrayed his trust. She has moved on but they are still friends and meet up from time to time.

I want to be there for him, but I don't know if it is because I think he might finally notice me or not.

I would love to contact him and reel off a list of reasons we should be together and try to make him see that I should be the girl he is calling "the one" (and all the other bollocks). But I'm not prepared to lose my dignity.

I think you are all right. I need to cut ties and go my own way. It's so fucking hard being an adult :(

OP posts:

Jan45 · 20/04/2015 18:22

Yeah I can see that Bogey - I just don't see it as the same at all as going for a job interview!

Jan45 · 20/04/2015 18:23

Don't flog a dead horse OP, you know deep down yourself he isn't the one.

JulyKit · 20/04/2015 18:28

I want to be there for him, but I don't know if it is because I think he might finally notice me or not.

I would love to contact him and reel off a list of reasons we should be together and try to make him see that I should be the girl he is calling "the one" (and all the other bollocks).

Read this part of your post to yourself tomorrow morning, LittIe.

What would you think if someone else had written that? And what would you advise them?

I think you need to be quite harsh with yourself. Your post suggests that you're being quite self-deluding, playing a version of the 'nice guy' game ("I'm here for you, so you owe me a relationship respect, right?")

Do yourself a favour. Take yourself out of his life.

Duckdeamon · 20/04/2015 18:30

You have a physical relationship and he is talking about his ex being "the one"? He is NO friend. Be there for yourself and later for a man who wants and values you!

Twinklestein · 20/04/2015 18:31

The only thing you can do is withdraw. It might make him notice you, he might quit pining for the one that got away, and lament your absence instead. Or he might just carry on pining for her.

Either way you will have protected yourself.

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