can I please shout. Do NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITHOUT GETTING MARRIED FIRST ..

[Patchworkpatty]

Feel so sad to have just read another really sad thread about a lovely woman who is trying to escape a horrendously awful relationship, 3 small children, he earns big bucks, she is SAHM and has NO funds to get out and get a new home. If she was married she could have gone to a lawyer, explained situation and have had a guarantee of a lump sum to restart her life, she may even have got an interim payment to help her. I feel strongly that women do not know the value (legally amongst many other reasons) of marriage. So many women these days agree to having children and accept the ' not ready for marriage ' or 'it's just a piece of paper' lie as acceptable. Imo if you are ready for children, have decided you are both parent material and want babies, then what reasons can there be not to ? unless your OH doesn't feel the same. (with the exception of course of very high earning women who don't take more than a few weeks maternity leave and don't care about state pensions and being next of kin).

Errr, no.

I agree. My lovely friend left her fab job and is now a shap and l do worry because her DP can be a bit of a prick.

Plenty of arsehole married men hide assets and behave like arses when it comes to divorce

Marriage is no guarantee of a lovely lump sum and the chance to start again

I think what you really mean is don't become a SAHP unless you are married.

What about women who are the ones saying they don't want to be married?

20 months too late-sorry!

I was the one who didn't want to get married. ..I couldn't be bothered with the divorce if things didn't work out. too much like hard work.

Pfft. Men don't hold the balance of power in a relationship. It's not their decision alone if a woman marries him before having kids.

You must realise that your argument is that women must marry men in order to protect themselves when the marriage breaks down, right?

I'd like to say you are wrong, as a feminist. But unfortunately, you are right, OP.

Mothers who arent married have very little protection under current law. Sadly, most dont realise that until things go wrong in their relationship.

Shout all you like love. Too late for me, not that I'd ever be reliant on a man for anything anyway.

But Gasp is right. It's not about kids, it's about not becoming a sahp without being married.

Given a choice, many women would prefer to keep their career and their potential going.

I agree, and I impress that on my son ever more so than on my DDs

Totally agree. Marriage gives the best legal protection and provision for those in a position of weakness compared to their partner.

So you think most women are stupid then?

Give me the cash for a wedding and I will get it sorted! We would have been married before kids had we been able (or willing) to shell out the money for a decent wedding but that is just beyond us at the moment. Maybe before the kids start school...

50% of marriages fail. It's higher for co-habitees.

Completely agree. It's setting yourself up for inequality even in a good relationship. I am sooooo glad I got married (registry office about ten people) and I'm soooooo glad to now being legally separated and my 10 yrs sahp work are being fully compensated for. No acrimony. No arguing so far but I'm protected by law thank fuck.
Also I think it's important to have the full weight of the law behind you during your relationship as it's a clear acknowledgement that the sahp is an equal contributor to the wealth of the family, which imho makes for a more equitable framework to live out your roles.

So, as my DP is the SAHD, does that mean we should be married for his sake?

He doesn't seem bothered. We simply aren't married as the expenses for it isn't at the top of our priority list.

That ship has sailed i'm afraid.

I'm also (shock horror!) a single parent quite happily not relying on my ex-p for anything.

Er, I think it's a personal choice and without knowing each individual couple/family you have no right to make such a broad statement.
I'm sure you mean well but this kind of judgement really gets my back up.

My lord, the absolute and unthinking assumption that all women earn less than men and that all women give up work on becoming a parent is unbelievably depressing.

If we lived in a world where women earned equal pay and had equal power in the job market and men took on an equal share of childcare/equal impact of child rearing on their career etc...it would be great. But we dont.

Its not about whether you are a 'strong woman' who 'doesnt rely on a man'. Its about the reality of most womens lives. And for most women, marriage does still protect their interests (and the interests of their children).

It isnt the world I want to live in, but its reality.

Gets my back up too. It's the assumption that the poor little woman doesn't know how the law works that annoys me the most.