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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can I please shout. Do NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITHOUT GETTING MARRIED FIRST ..

293 replies

Patchworkpatty · 25/03/2015 19:46

Feel so sad to have just read another really sad thread about a lovely woman who is trying to escape a horrendously awful relationship, 3 small children, he earns big bucks, she is SAHM and has NO funds to get out and get a new home. If she was married she could have gone to a lawyer, explained situation and have had a guarantee of a lump sum to restart her life, she may even have got an interim payment to help her. I feel strongly that women do not know the value (legally amongst many other reasons) of marriage. So many women these days agree to having children and accept the ' not ready for marriage ' or 'it's just a piece of paper' lie as acceptable. Imo if you are ready for children, have decided you are both parent material and want babies, then what reasons can there be not to ? unless your OH doesn't feel the same. (with the exception of course of very high earning women who don't take more than a few weeks maternity leave and don't care about state pensions and being next of kin).

OP posts:
ashtrayheart · 25/03/2015 20:03

My dp is a sahd and we aren't married Smile. Also where does this lump sum come from btw if you have no assets as a married couple?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 25/03/2015 20:03

I agree. A wedding doesn't have to cost much. My DH will be going part time when we have a baby. He should be entitled to legal protection.

ihave2naughtydogs · 25/03/2015 20:04

well I have several children with my OH and I am very glad I am not married to him. His gambling debts are massive and all the loans are in his name. Hundreds of thousands in debt . If I was married to him, it would be my problem too.

BallsToThat · 25/03/2015 20:05

But surely those of you who earn more than your OH Or have a SAHD OH realise you arent in the majority? It would be fabulous if you WERE, honestly. But youre not.

Rebecca2014 · 25/03/2015 20:06

Um no I don't agree. I got married because I was pregnant, we are now split. I suppose if I was with someone who had a good job and we had a property, getting married would protect me? but not everyone has to get married to protect themselves finically but I get what you are saying.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 25/03/2015 20:10

Being married doesn't help to actually leave an abusive relationship, yes it helps in the long term but when you are in the here and now you can still be stuffed with no money.

bimandbam · 25/03/2015 20:10

Or you could not have children with a wankerbastard? A decent man will support his dcs regardless of marital status to their mothers.

A wankerbastard will give as little as possible.

alicemalice · 25/03/2015 20:11

The OP is right. I made this mistake and only realised it during the separation.

You have much more protection if you're married.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 25/03/2015 20:12

I think op meant don't become a sahp unless you are married or independently wealthy-
I reckon she's right.

Flowergirlmum · 25/03/2015 20:13

I agree OP. So many stories about these awful men who father children. If only people would slow down a bit and get to know each other first rather than imposing a crappy father on a baby.

And saying you didn't get married in case it went wrong because you didn't want the hassle of divorce implies a complete lack of commitment. Surely having a baby is a bigger commitment and a greater "hassle" to manage should it all go wrong???

TheHappinessTrap · 25/03/2015 20:13

I'm passing you a sweet to sick on op.

alicemalice · 25/03/2015 20:15

It's not about slowing down sometimes. We were together 9 years before having kids. You never know how your relationship will pan out.

Only1scoop · 25/03/2015 20:16

If you don't intend to marry and have dc....Get a cohabitation agreement.

WipsGlitter · 25/03/2015 20:17

So how come I see so many threads in here where the couple are married but she won't / can't leave the relationship because it will be a substantial drop in income.

Maintain financial independence would be far better advice.

Azquilith · 25/03/2015 20:17

Wow, great image of women there. Get married, knock out a few kids and stay at home safe in the knowledge if it goes tits up you get half of everything. How inspiring.

beadybaby · 25/03/2015 20:17

Its the people who aren't married who are romantic about it and under estimate the value of marriage as a legal contract. At its most basic that's what it is and it doesn't matter who is liberated or which one of you sits at home.

You are absolutely more vulnerable as an unmarried sahp. You also don't have clear inheritance rights if something unexpected happened. We got married quite young because my Dh was very ill and wanted me to be his next of kin and carry out his living will as he knew his parents wouldn't.(thank god it didn't come to that.)

The idea that you can link your life to someone so fundamentally and not protect yourself under the law or have any say over your partners life is quite bonkers.

JuliaDream · 25/03/2015 20:18

So you assume unmarried couples with children don't know each other very well then?

Such a lot of assumptions on this thread.

fattymcfatfat · 25/03/2015 20:18

not really flowergirl It didn't work out between is but he is there for his children. I just don't see the point in having that piece of paper then having the hassle of a divorce and dragging children through that. it is a much quicker break not being married. obviously that is personal choice but I don't see myself ever getting married. its just not something that appeals to me.

Sleepyhoglet · 25/03/2015 20:18

Leonas- you don't need to spend big bucks on a wedding! Dh and I went to be registry office with 12 friends and simple mean after. We have decent income (90k+) and own out house outright so not a matter of finances.

tilder · 25/03/2015 20:19

Tricky wording in the op.

Would be lovely if we lived in a world where equality reigned. Where both parents had equal financial security. For most people, we don't live in that world.

I work but my salary would struggle to support me and the kids. Especially as I have buggered my career by house moves, maternity leave and part time working. My earning potential is a fraction of my contemporaries who did none of those things. Likewise my pension.

Marriage doesn't guarantee me and my kids a fair financial settlement if the unthinkable happened. But whatever my views on marriage, it offers the best prospect.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 25/03/2015 20:21

I agree.

I am intrigued by this post from Seriously.

I agree, and I impress that on my son ever more so than on my DDs

What do you mean?

LaurieFairyCake · 25/03/2015 20:24

Being married is the cheapest way to get protection in law.

I also hate to say it as a feminist but until they equalise the law people should get married before having children.

LaurieFairyCake · 25/03/2015 20:24

And I also didn't want to get married

CultureSucksDownWords · 25/03/2015 20:25

How about shouting at women to not have children without being certain of the commitment of their partner and without having a financial plan in place?

The problem is having a child with a poor choice of partner, and not thinking about long term finances, rather than marriage or not. Marriage can be a simple protective step for those who aren't convinced of their partner (not sure this is what a marriage is meant for though!), but it isn't necessary for every woman.

Velocitractor · 25/03/2015 20:26

I was married before I had our two children. He skipped the country and left me with debt and all the reresponsibilities. He's supposed to pay maintenance but he's way behind and he will pay a bit now and then when it suits (so nothing I can rely on). So in principle yes, I understand your sentiment but in reality marriage doesn't guarantee that you'll be fine financially if you do divorce.