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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has left me

26 replies

wellingtonboot518 · 05/03/2015 15:47

After 10 very happy years and three delightful boys my husband walked out of our lives 3 weeks ago. I had been suspicious for quite a long time that he was having an affair, I now know for certain that he is. I am devastated, ultimately we will need to sell the house which will be heart breaking for the children. I know that the person he is having his affair with is married, if her husband and sons were to find out they too would be destroyed. Would it be completely wrong if I were to suggest to him that he signs the house over to me and in return I will keep ‘mum’ about his affair.

OP posts:
HubertCumberdale · 05/03/2015 15:49

I don't know how moral it is but must admit in your position I would do the same.
So sorry x

Drew64 · 05/03/2015 16:11

Yes, it would be incredibly unfair and tantramount to blackmail!

If I were your husband and you tried to pull that one on me I'd make sure everyone knew how low you had stooped!

Regardless of what has happened you need to show that you are better than him and will not stoop to his level.
Instead, get yourself a decent solicitor and you should be able to remain where you are, in the family house. He still has a responsability as a father to provide a home for his children.

lem73 · 05/03/2015 16:14

I can understand why you'd want to do that but I doubt it would work. As already said,get yourself a good solicitor to secure yourself the best financial settlement. I'm sorry you are going through this.Flowers

NeitherHereOrThere · 05/03/2015 16:39

I would get legal advice first. You need to take into account his pension as well as everything else.

Ouchbloodyouch · 05/03/2015 16:41

Tell the husband! I would anyway. Thats me though.

Bonsoir · 05/03/2015 16:42

You have nothing to gain from blackmailing your H about the affair and, tbh, the fact that this even crosses your mind suggests you aren't a very straightforward person.

Why don't you find a solicitor?

Sickoffrozen · 05/03/2015 16:48

Is there not a chance that he wouldn't be bothered if you did? Wouldn't he want the woman to leave the husband and this may force it?

As for the house, if you can afford the mortgage then you won't necessarily have to sell until the lads are no longer dependent.

Your ex will probably be looking at maintenance payments of 25% of net income with 3 children.

Sausagerollers · 05/03/2015 16:56

Hang on, this man has broken up two marriages, his own and that of his mistress', he's broken his wife's heart and walked out on their three children and you're picking on the OP for having a strong desire to stay in the marital home and wanting that solution however it comes?

Grief (and the disolution of a marriage is very much like a grief process) can do strange things to people, please don't judge the OP so harshly.

OP, I understand your desire to keep the marital home, and that you probably don't want to have to be the one to break the news to the cuckolded husband, so you're probably thinking "two birds, one stone." But, you cannot trust your H, so please don't make any kind of deal with him.

Go to a solicitor and it is very possible that as the main care-giver to your children you will be able to stay in the family home until the youngest is 18. Please get proof, if you can, of the affair so he cannot contest you divorcing him on adulterous grounds and name the woman as his affair partner. Serve up your "revenge" legally; it's the best for everyone in the long run.

Take care.

TheoriginalLEM · 05/03/2015 17:05

id fuck him to hell and back, the husband deserves to know - get ye to a solicitor and get what you are entitled to.

TheoriginalLEM · 05/03/2015 17:06

Drew - are you having a laugh?

Only1scoop · 05/03/2015 17:08

I'd play as dirty as he has to get the best outcome for your boys and yourself.

So sorry Op

CarbeDiem · 05/03/2015 17:16

I understand why you want to - I would too but it's much more sensible to go and get some legal advice.
You cannot trust this man - no matter what he would initially agree to - he is not your friend and you shouldn't take his word about anything because he's proved already what a lying cheating bastard he is.
Good luck.

morethanpotatoprints · 05/03/2015 17:16

So sorry this is happening to you OP and I can understand why you'd want to blackmail him.
Don't stoop to his level and get yourself sorted before you think of revenge, that will be sweet.
go to a solicitor and take the good advice you will get from others on here, who have gone through the same.
Make sure you have copies of everything financial including his salary, debts you may both have, joint accounts, his pension etc.
Make sure he can't do a runner with family savings or empty joint account etc.
Make sure your solicitor gets everything that you are entitled to and then shop the bastards to her husband. Maybe your ex might not be bothered but she might, who knows whether she plans to leave her dh or not, sometimes they have no intention of leaving.

Lydiand · 05/03/2015 17:20

Drew64 is a man. Go figure.

Do whatever you want OP, your H has forfeited all rights to be treated fairly. Get legal advice quickly though.

BolshierAyraStark · 05/03/2015 17:43

See a solicitor, dont stoop to his level despite how much he has hurt you.

Ignore Drews post Hmm

ineedabodytransplant · 06/03/2015 12:41

Lydiaand,

bit sexist?

I'm a bloke and agree with others that the OP is not thinking straight. I don't think she should do this but can sort of see why.

OP, get a SHL and screw the bastard for all you can get.

Nomama · 06/03/2015 13:24

Drew does seem to get it in the neck a it... probably from women people who don't read his posts in their entirety!

He said, and I agree, that any threat of blackmail would probably be used as a stick with which to beat you, and

You need to keep the moral high ground, and

get tee to a solicitor and grab everything you can!

What is wrong with any of that?

OP, yes, it would be wrong, tempting, but wrong. You do need to get a solicitor and make sure you get everything you and your kids are entitled to. Chances are your stbx would be happy if his ow was to be freed up to live with him... so any threat would be useless anyway!

Minus2seventy3 · 06/03/2015 13:35

An affair is morally wrong - I think most folk would agree on that. Not illegal though. Blackmail is a criminal offence - retain the moral high ground, see a solicitor, and break up with the interests of the children paramount.

HootyMcTooty · 06/03/2015 14:04

With 3 small children it's likely you would get the lions share of the equity in the house anyway. Get a good lawyer, play by the rules, tell the OW's DH anyway, he has a right to know. That's what I'd do anyway.

Isetan · 06/03/2015 14:05

Tempting as it might be, it wouldn't work. As much as he may want this woman, it is very unlikely he would forfeit 10,000s of pounds for her.

Focus your energies on getting what you are entitled to, living well is the best revenge.

blueberrypie0112 · 06/03/2015 14:19

Doesn't make sense that he would leave you for another woman but this woman won't leave her husband. Are you positive this is the woman he is having affair with? I wouldn't say anything if she is not the one.

blueberrypie0112 · 06/03/2015 14:23

I really think he is just want out. Affair or not. Because i do not this he is really serious about this other woman (she is still married and had not left her husband)

basketofshells · 06/03/2015 14:27

After a shock like this, I'm not surprised that you're prepared to fight as dirty as you need to, to protect your children's home and stability. That's your protective instincts kicking in, and they'll serve you well. But you need to use them properly. Doing what you're considering could backfire on you and, by extension, your sons. You're far better to channel that anger and energy into approaching it legally.

lordStrange · 06/03/2015 14:35

I don't think you need concern yourself with maintaining some 'moral high ground'. It's really besides the point.

I think you need to do whatever it takes to ensure the security of yourself and your boys.

The house is a legal issue so you will need a solicitor for this (I'm not sure how pp think you would otherwise plan to do this?). It's probably true generally that the sooner you act, his current guilt (for want of a better word) may cause him to sign over the deeds to you. When the reality hits that he will be worse off financially long-term he will be more likely to fight to keep hold of any asset.

I'm so sorry. It's utter shit. It will get better I promise.

Joysmum · 06/03/2015 14:40

Good for you for venting on here.

I'm sure many of us can relate to the anger and hurt you are feeling and the dreams of revenge etc.

As others have said, blackmail obviously is illegal but dream away, get it out of your system and get legal advice.

I think I've seen on here that he would have to pay your fees due to his infidelity if proven? Don't take my word though I have no personal experience but it's worth looking in to.

Look after yourself OP Flowers

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