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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What's the longest you've spent not talking to each other?

28 replies

MsRabble · 28/02/2015 00:27

...while living together, I mean. It's almost a week now for us and I have been sleeping in spare bed as well. I get no reaction from Mr No Emotions so not sure where it's going.
But anyway: do you remember who made the first move to making peace again (if at all)?

OP posts:
quietlysuggests · 28/02/2015 00:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Canyouforgiveher · 28/02/2015 00:38

10 mins...maybe - all 10 spent in the bathroom. I couldn't live with a week of silence.

Agree completely with quietly's approach.

BathtimeFunkster · 28/02/2015 00:40

Actually "not talking", as in one of us was in a snot and ignoring the other.

approx 0 minutes

Not talking because he is taciturn and we are both busy - several hours.

Higheredserf · 28/02/2015 00:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyB49 · 28/02/2015 00:46

Not talking Wouldn't happen.

Original poster
MsRabble · 28/02/2015 01:21

Yes, it's pathetic and childish, I know.

OP posts:
CarpetDiem · 28/02/2015 01:41

24 hours. Presently not talking to each other since 8:30, I said I'd be home for 7:30, was busy & he sees it as arrogant/ putti g work before family. I was really busy & feel like I'm being pulled in all directions so silence it is. It's not childish, it gives you thinking space and an opportunity to sort out your feelings on why you have fallen out initially.

TheChickenSituation · 28/02/2015 01:43

I can't imagine anyone's going to top a week.

How can you possibly live with someone like that?

daisychain01 · 28/02/2015 04:36

I would get this sorted out, because it becomes a pattern, each time you "don't talk to each other" you'll be thinking it has to be longer than the last time, to have any effect.

If your DP is lacking in emotion maybe that's his way of dealing with the silence. He probably has emotion but decides to lock it away, probably to avoid confrontation.

Whoever's fault it is, life is too short. I would start the ball rolling with "Shall we talk?" And as part of the conversation, talk about not dragging stuff out and losing a week of your life together, find a different way to deal with it.

There is nothing wrong with "taking time out" going for a walk, going to the garden shed for the afternoon, etc. that can be helpful to cool off, but it takes guts to say let's not let the sun go down on our argument.

however · 28/02/2015 06:01

We've been stroppy for a day or two.

Do you mean you've not exchanged a word in that time? A single word?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2015 06:25

Doesn't really matter what other people's experience is. If your relationship has completely broken down to the point where you can't exchange words, there's a serious problem. Sulking and silent treatment to thst extent is often a former of bullying and an attempt to control. Nasty

fuxache · 28/02/2015 06:33

An ex friend told me that her parents once stopped talking to each other for 6 years after her Dad leant some money to someone without telling her Mum.

They lived together the whole time. Are still together 20yrs later. I have met them and they seem like normal nice people. They are just freaks when it comes to the silent treatment.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2015 06:40

BTW don't think in terms of being the one to make peace. Bring things to a head, perhaps. Set some kind of deadline. Chuck in an ultimatum, even. It's a power struggle so be strong

BearFeet · 28/02/2015 07:29

Probably about an hour at the most. Then we normally have a cuddle, talk it through and carry on as normal.

Original poster
MsRabble · 28/02/2015 07:29

It's not been completely silent, no. There's stuff we've had to talk about such as things to do with the kids etc. but it's been minimal and not made any other exchanges.
However shortly after my post, he asked me to move back to the bedroom and got the ball rolling again. We had a bitof a chat and the one incident from a few weeks ago that's still been affecting me came up (that I mentioned in another thread), and he said he thought we were past that. Anyway we've established we need a night out on our own to have a proper chat.
Feel a bit better now so w won't be beating that six year record ShockConfused

OP posts:
TimeForMeAndDD · 28/02/2015 07:29

My ex once went a whole six weeks without speaking to me, before coming home from work one day, chatting as though nothing had happened. Six whole weeks. He was an abusive arse though and took pleasure from it but for me it was torture. I didn't stay long after that.

Newrule · 28/02/2015 08:01

You are equally responsible for this period of silence. So I can't understand why the blame is more his than yours or why he is described as a bully but you are not?

There is no need for this power struggle. It will not end well. If you have to struggle for power in this way, then something is wrong with the relationship.

I don't know what started this argument. You could ask him to talk about things. No shame in being the one to step up. Also no need for ultimatums as this is likely to make things more tense.

If you are unhappy in the relationship, take steps to address this. If your efforts do not result in improvement, then consider other options like separation.

Questions in my mind are: what led to this period of silence and what are you or is he trying to achieve with this behaviour?

GoatsDoRoam · 28/02/2015 08:23

he said he thought we were past that.

Oh, that's big of him to decide on your behalf that your feelings don't count.

Original poster
MsRabble · 28/02/2015 09:05

I think perhaps some posters may recognise me from another thread so have more background.
Anyway I didn't specifically want to get into that again, wondered how often people experience the silent treatment.
Obviously it's no way to deal with problems. It's really hard though to post things here in an unbiased way and you only get a fraction of half the story. Goat you're right what he said sounded presumptuous but we had discussed it previously, he even apologised but the incident disturbed me so much, I couldn't get it out of my mind so at least he now knows we need to talk more.
I'm just tired of everything being such hard work! All I want are some gestures of appreciation, nothing more.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsRabble · 28/02/2015 09:16

Cogito I agree with the ultimatum/deadline idea. It is always me to say first after an argument let's sort this out or we need to do something. He never apologises unless pushed. Or rarely anyway.
When he's being normal he's really lovely and funny but he has a nasty, stubborn and arrogant streak which makes him hard to live with at times.

OP posts:
MozzchopsThirty · 28/02/2015 09:24

My marriage was like this, sometimes up to two weeks of being ignored.
He never apologised, never took responsibility never made the first move.

Thankfully I ended my marriage, now realise this behaviour is childish, controlling and emotionally abusive.

Am now with an amazing man, we communicate and would never dream of ignoring each other

Why put up with this shit?

Original poster
MsRabble · 28/02/2015 11:00

It's only recently got worse, it never used to be like this. Last week I was planning my exit strategy, but now I've calmed down and cooled off a bit, so not sure where I am right now. I guess it depends how many chances I am prepared to give him. One thing is for sure, we need to communicate more and this is what has been lacking in general (I don't just mean a week of grunting at each other!).

Well starting any thread in this topic has been an interesting eye opener - I never used to even browse this topic but now I can't get off it! I now realise certain aspects of our relationship are not "normal" and I feel a fool for putting up with certain behaviours for so long.

OP posts:
MozzchopsThirty · 28/02/2015 11:19

If you're realising these things now just imagine what else is abnormal!

I've learnt so much, and really have had to learn what a normal relationship is like. It's eye opening and I can't believe what I put up with.

I've also learned that I'm not crazy / demanding / high maintenance / hard work / needy / jealous - just my ex husband and his abuse

HungryDam · 28/02/2015 11:24

A week I think.

IsabellaofFrance · 28/02/2015 11:25

About half a day as I was really, really cross and didnt trust myself to talk to him.

I went out and didn't answer the phone so it may be a bit different than if we had been under the same roof.

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