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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Devasted & heartbroken

42 replies

NCFT16 · 25/01/2015 21:50

I have NC for this. I have discovered my DH has been having an affair. I don't know how far/ how long etc. I have seen messages all week and made 100% sure I wasn't mistaken.

I confronted him and he has denied, packed his bags and left Sad I don't know where he is, and its an awful feeling. We have 3 children together and I am just heartbroken. I cant seem to function, and my chest actually hurts. I have put to dc to bed, and now I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
NCFT16 · 25/01/2015 21:51

Sorry, meant to say that I have put the dc to bed

OP posts:
rootypig · 25/01/2015 21:53

Lovely girl Flowers. Fuck him.

Do you have someone you can call who will drop everything and come?

Original poster
NCFT16 · 25/01/2015 21:55

No, I don't. I am quite isolated, and I feel very, very alone right now

OP posts:
itwillgetbettersoon · 25/01/2015 21:55

I'm sorry OP. I've been in exactly the same position as you. You need to take it minute by minute and look after yourself. If you work can you get signed off by the GP - although I found the routine of work helped me. Get the children to school tomorrow. It will get easier but it takes time. I'm three years on now. The kids and I are happy now.

acatcalledjohn · 25/01/2015 21:55

So sorry to hear that, OP. Heartache is horrible.

What made you so sure that it is/was an affair?

For tonight, have a drink of your choice (tea is an option), and try to have an early night. Maybe even a Nytol to help you drop off. (Should stress that non alco is then your only option.)

Original poster
NCFT16 · 25/01/2015 21:58

I have been watching their messages on his fb all week. There is no doubting it.

I am so hurt, and I cant believe he has done this. I am in love with him, and he is so important to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
NCFT16 · 25/01/2015 22:01

I really wanted to be wrong, and I just knew, I had a gut feeling. When I saw his face, it confirmed everything.

This is not meant to happen to us, he has been so lovely the last few weeks, and its all lies.

I feel betrayed, I thought he would at least give me confirmation, though he just denied, denied, denied. Even when he was shown the messages (he deleted them, though I copy and pasted them)

OP posts:
KissMyFatArse · 25/01/2015 22:02

Ncft sending hugs. It's early days so right now just focus on the kids but speak out to friends and family because u will need support Sad

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 25/01/2015 22:04

Have you told anyone yet?

hamptoncourt · 25/01/2015 22:10

Sending you Thanks and unmumsnetty hugs.

Please do confide in someone in RL you will feel so much better. I know you probably think that by telling someone you make it all "real" but it is real and so it's inevitable people should know.

The best way to deal with it is to try to wrestle back some control by getting support from friends and family an setting some boundaries. Do you have DC together? Do you need to get an STI check (sorry!)

I would make a solicitor appointment too so you know what your options are.

You will get through this and out the other side I promise you.

hamptoncourt · 25/01/2015 22:12

Sorry, just seen you do have DC - take care of yourself and them and just get through each day the next few days. Be kind to yourself.

OW has bagged herself a cheating liar, just keep reminding yourself of that.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 25/01/2015 22:14

I'm so sorry this has been done to you, op. I know you were hoping for honesty, at least now but they nearly never own up initially.

I hope there is someone you can call in RL?

elsabelle · 25/01/2015 22:17

Oh OP i am so sorry. My ex fiance did this to me 6 months ago - we werent married and no DC but still one of the most awful experiences i have ever been through. I am doing much better now though and you will too.

Accept that this first bit will be awful and you will cry and fall apart but you will only get stronger and stronger. Remember that he is the one who chose to do this, not you. Your own conscience is clear.

Sending huge hugs xxx

acatcalledjohn · 25/01/2015 22:21

You say he is important to you, but one day you will realise that it's utterly worthless if that person doesn't consider you important too. I mean, you have given him 3 DC and presumably you've been faithful and looked after him and loved him, yet he has disrespected you and his DCs in such a horrible way. As if your 10 years were worthless.

You deserve much, much better than a lying & cheating arsehole.

Flowers
ArsenicFaceCream · 25/01/2015 22:21

You're in shock.

Be very very very kind to yourself.

We'll all keep you company Flowers

ThreeQuartersEmpty · 25/01/2015 22:27

Stay strong. Start copying paperwork, payslips, bank details etc.
And make an appointment with a family solicitor.
Tell people too, sounds hard but makes it easier.
Hugs.

Original poster
NCFT16 · 25/01/2015 23:09

I never thought this would happen with us. I really thought he loved me. I would forgive him anything, just this is too much. Even if he was totally honest with me, I feel like I would have a base to work from for us (depending on the level of betrayal) However he has turned this on me & I am just sitting here wondering now.

OP posts:
ArsenicFaceCream · 25/01/2015 23:22

Do you have a plan for tomorrow?

Do you have work, school run etc?

AmantesSuntAmentes · 25/01/2015 23:26

I never thought this would happen with us.

None of us do Smile and I should imagine the majority of us thought they really loved us too. I did!

Beyond the deceit and now the blatant lying, he's left you bereft and run off. None of these are the actions of an honourable person Sad

It's happened to me twice. Both times, they've come running back and both times, my door has been well and truly closed to them.

Honestly? You deserve so, so much more than to be treated this way. Everyone does! It takes a particular type of person to selfishly cause such pain and grief. As hard as it is to accept, he isn't who you thought he was.

Original poster
NCFT16 · 25/01/2015 23:26

I am a SAHM and have 1 school run, as well as a toddler.

I just cant seem to function, I don't know where he is. As he was packing, I asked him where he was going, and he told me 'its none of my fucking business anymore'.

I cant believe this has happened, and now it feels like the worst thing ever. I just don't understand. I love him so fucking much, and I don't know what to do without him now. I cant even begin to imagine.

OP posts:
Original poster
NCFT16 · 25/01/2015 23:28

Crossed Posts Amantes - I just want it all to stop, and him to come and tell me he loves me, and be truly sorry for this.

And now, I have to start without him, and I don't want to.

OP posts:
Newrule · 25/01/2015 23:33

I am so sorry OP. With time, you will be happy he is out of your life. Hard to believe now but it will happen. Hang in there.

rootypig · 25/01/2015 23:40

He is an unspeakable bastard to deny you an explanation, and to leave you to cope with your children.

Agree with pp, minute by minute. The shock and sadness can be debilitating, you need to hold tight until it recedes a bit. Can you see a way to get through the next few days? what's your usual pattern with your toddler?

Who do you have in RL - even if they can't drop everything - who can you talk to?

AmantesSuntAmentes · 25/01/2015 23:44

Even if it all stopped and he came home and threw himself at your feet, how would you view him now? This is really the kind of thing which can't be undone, ime.

I know how overwhelming everything must feel right now. I was pg with dc4, with 3 under six, one of whom was under one. Our life now is awesome! I honestly couldn't envisage the day I'd be able to say that, in the midst of it all.

I know you don't want to go it alone. I just want you to know that you can Flowers

CheekyWeeGandT · 25/01/2015 23:49

Another one who's been there. Sending you Flowers It is the most hideous situation and I remember all too well that chest pain you describe. Tell someone in RL. You need support. Routine is your friend. And don't look too far ahead - day by day. And on the bad days, hour by hour is fine.
You won't believe it now, but you have much more strength than you realise.