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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

abusive ex new gf

40 replies

MyRightFoot · 09/01/2015 15:23

his dv convictions are on the web for all to see. should i alert her to them. i dont know her, just saw her on fb. he wull come after me if he knows its me. his violence was also sexual, she has young daughters. i feel such a coward.

OP posts:
RandomNPC · 09/01/2015 15:28

You could always discuss your concerns with your local social services.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2015 15:32

If you want to protect this woman and her children then the best route is probably going to be via Social Services or Child Protection. Are they living together?

Original poster
MyRightFoot · 09/01/2015 15:33

that is a good idea. thank u.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyRightFoot · 09/01/2015 15:37

cogito i dont know if they live together but hes the type to push hard to move in quickly. her kids r teenagers not sure of there age.

OP posts:
bettyboop1970 · 09/01/2015 15:40

Inform social services as it is a child protection/safeguarding matter.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2015 15:41

If you don't know this woman, how did you see her on FB?

Original poster
MyRightFoot · 09/01/2015 15:45

cogito i was looking at his fb and pics etc were up there

OP posts:
AngelDreams · 09/01/2015 15:46

CogitoErgoSometimes:

maybe ex is in a relationship with her, which would also give clues that shes the new gf??

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2015 15:54

Why were you looking at a violent ex's FB page?

Original poster
MyRightFoot · 09/01/2015 16:05

cogito, refuge moved me as they said i was high risk. he also moved. i found out where he lives on fb. knowing where he lives makes me feel safe and i know not to travel to the area. he has a history. of stalking me

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2015 16:12

If you don't feel safe, talk to the police and the refuge. If you are a victim and at high risk, you should demand to be kept up to date with his location. I understand that you feel it gives you some security but abusive relationships are all about control. If you are checking his FB status to make sure he is still in the same town, you risk still being controlled by him even though you're meant to have escaped the abuse.

You can't protect every woman he ever has a relationship with. Your responsibility is to make a good life for yourself.

Original poster
MyRightFoot · 09/01/2015 16:19

cogito the police r not allowed to tell me the area, i did ask them. i had to play detective to keep myself safe. i was considering moving to that area before i found out he was there. neither refuge or police had that info and police said even if they did, they couldnt tell me. screwed up eh? i have moved on and im happy now but when even the police tell u hes mad, it makes u jittery. he only stopped stalking me six months ago. we split 15 months ago.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2015 16:20

And he was convicted of assaulting you? How long did he serve?

RandomNPC · 09/01/2015 16:21

He sounds fucking awful. Do talk to SS, and do protect yourself.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2015 16:25

More questions... sorry. How did the stalking stop? Did you take out an injunction or did it just peter out? Have you got legal representation at all?

Original poster
MyRightFoot · 09/01/2015 16:40

police threatened him with ro if he approached me so that made him back off. the judge refused to give him ro as we had so often contacted each other and got back together over ten years. he didnt get a custodial sentence.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2015 16:51

So when you said he had DV convictions was that involving someone else?

Newrule · 09/01/2015 16:56

Cogito how does your line of questioning help the OP? Are you asking simply to satisfy your curiosity or are you gathering info to provide a really helpful set of advice to her?

Original poster
MyRightFoot · 09/01/2015 16:59

sorry cognito, one dv coviction for assaulting me, and another non dv conviction. i have to b careful what info i give, as when we were together he managed to get all my passwords and knew all my websites. obviously passwords are all changed but he could b reading this thread.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2015 17:04

@Newrule.... I'm asking these questions because think victims of DV and stalking need protection through the law and should not be expected to play detective and run their own witness protection programme single-handed via Facebook. I think the OP sounds very frightened, her movements appear restricted, she's worried about being hacked and she's anxious and feels responsible for his new girlfriend's safety.

I believe that there should be a restraining order and I think the judgement last time should be challenged.

Is that OK with you?

Mom2K · 09/01/2015 17:04

Maybe the line of questioning is to get a fuller picture of the situation, in order to give an informed opinion as to whether or not OP should contact SS or warn the new g/f in some other way?

Dunno, just a guess. Without that info - if you are seriously concerned about the safety of the new g/f's daughters...I think a call to SS would be a good idea. But as a pp said - you can't really warn every new person he may get involved with, it will be impossible. Your main focus here is to move forward with your own life and be kind to yourself. As you said, if he knew it was you he would come after you, so I don't think you should be doing anything to compromise your own safety. xx

Original poster
MyRightFoot · 09/01/2015 17:05

newrule thank u for ur concern but im happy to answer all questions.. this is an issue that should be talked about. in my new job i talk to agencies about dv and been told i really helped them understand the psychology of dv.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2015 17:08

OP would you consider going back to a lawyer and getting a restraining order? Or to put it another way, what would you need to happen to make you feel safer and more relaxed on an ongoing basis?

Original poster
MyRightFoot · 09/01/2015 17:15

mom, i think hed come after me even if he couldnt prove it was me. one thing i know, if he wants to find me, he will. apart from moving abroad, a lot of my fear is really about ten years of conditioning. it took me months to stop checking the house for bugs because he hinted once that hed bugged our home. ive made a great life for myself but it can take years to shake off what is called high vigilence. cognito, the judge was a female twonk,

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Original poster
MyRightFoot · 09/01/2015 17:18

cognito i would have to take out a private ro which i will do if he appears again. as i havent had a peep in months im relaxing more.

OP posts: