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Original poster

midlife crisis or wholly reasonable ?

50 replies

middleagewoe · 08/01/2015 12:00

firstly - quick and bad n/change !

pls help me decide, I don't want to confide too much in r/l friends in case i am not seeing clearly and don't want to taint their view of DH unfairly

found out my dh has been less than honest about how much he is spending on a personal trainer. He has admitted during the year (when asked) that he sees one whilst at the gym but said it was infrequent and only £20 every fortnight. He knows i thought it was a bit extravagant and also knows that I think he is killing himself getting up at 530 3x a week to go gym before work. He claims it helps relieve the stress.

So about a year on I find out (after confronting him and him denying it but my having proof) that he is seeing him x2 a week and paying considerably more - he says he has told the 'white lie' as knows I am 'prickly' about his exercise regime.

Background - we can afford it, but I would rather save that money. We are not saving £££ every month but live a comfortable life. He rightly points out he has no other extravagances.

But I am not convinced anyone needs to see a personal trainer twice a week to motivate them and get them to train hard/relieve stress. Surely we are talking celebrity lifestyle here ! He is trying to make me feel guilty/drop it, as his stock response is 'but this is what keeps me sane in my high pressure job'. I wonder if there is some sort of midlife crisis at work here - he is definitely trying to build muscle not just keep fit.

The dishonesty aside - opinions gratefully received ......

OP posts:
NollaigShona · 08/01/2015 12:09

Well I think if you can afford it, then why not.

It's not an OW, not drink or drugs nor criminal activity. It really is not a bad thing, but the dishonesty is something else. Has he lied because he knows you disapprove? If so then your problem lies there somewhere. Why does he feel he can't be honest with you? Why do you disapprove of him spending time and money in the gym?

My ExH default setting was to lie, even about stuff that wouldn't actually bother me, but the lies (and a OW) destroyed our relationship.

Why do you feel he shouldn't spend money? Can you compromise? Spend some save some?

NollaigShona · 08/01/2015 12:11

(If I could afford a trainer twice a week, I would gladly spend money on this)

rb32 · 08/01/2015 12:15

It may be a bit mid-life crisis, or he may want a challenge outside of work. Perhaps he wants to look good for you? Whetever it is, exercise is a fantastic stress reliever.

It's not the worst thing in the world though and if he's never done anything like this before then yes, a personal trainer will both motivate him and get the best results for him. I've been getting up at 6am for runs etc for years but would still love to have a personal trainer tell me exactly how to train better.

It's good for his physical and mental health and sometimes, for no apparent reason, people decide they want to improve both things!

Twinklestein · 08/01/2015 12:18

It depends get wants to get fit or be fit because he's got his eye on a bird...

If the former I don't we what the problem is. If I wanted a trainer I wouldn't take kindly to my husband telling me I couldn't.

Twinklestein · 08/01/2015 12:18

^ see not we

heyday · 08/01/2015 12:21

If he is earning the money to be able to afford this then surely he can spend it how he chooses. He is an adult and if he wants to get up at the crack of dawn to train then more fool him but that's his decision.
Not sure what you want to save the money for but hey you only live once so why not let him enjoy his life, the way he sees fit and get yourself some distraction/hobby etc to keep your mind occupied so you can do your thing and he can do his.
I would be livid if my partner tried to control me like this.
Mid life crisis or not, he is not doing anything wrong but by being judgemental it seems he feels he has to lie to you.
I am defo with him on this one....... You need to drop it.

Joysmum · 08/01/2015 12:22

I don't excuse lying but your marriage wouldn't work for me and I believe everyone should be free to make their own choices.

DH and I both share the disposable income and that remains in our own personal bank accounts to to spend as we see fit.

Funny how it's only a midlife crisis when people disapprove with your choices.

You'd hate me and my friends. Try having horses and see how much time and money that takes!

TheCowThatLaughs · 08/01/2015 12:23

It sounds ok to me if you can afford it. What's wrong with him wanting to build muscle btw?

MajesticWhine · 08/01/2015 12:29

I don't think going 3 times a week is that bad. Seeing personal trainer twice a week does sound quite expensive and unnecessary. But I guess that is ok if you can afford it as long as you also feel able to afford luxuries.

I am married to an H who exercises excessively, and trains every day (not in the gym but running / cycling / rowing) and spends a fortune on bikes, kit etc. So I don't think training two or three times a week is that bad. DH says it helps him with work stress but I think this is bogus. I think it is actually more of a disorder, i.e. body dysmorphic disorder and also addiction to the endorphins. He argues that it's better than him being addicted to gambling, other women, doughnuts etc, his way of trying to get me to accept what he does as a better outcome.

WrappedInABlankie · 08/01/2015 12:31

Why is him going to the gym killing himself? Lots of people work out early in the AM to get it done before work etc I used to have a PT and paid £20 for half an hour at least once a week.

The price depends how good the trainer is, how long the session and the area. I don't see it as a midlife crisis tbh. You can afford it as you said I feel it's more his issue than his. Why don't you want him going?

intlmanofmystery · 08/01/2015 12:32

Don't see what the problem is here at all. You can afford it, he enjoys it, it doesn't impact on your life (excepting an early morning wake-up), you know where he is etc etc. You may not need the motivation of a personal trainer but maybe he does? I don't know how old he is but speaking from experience when you reach a certain age it is harder to keep fit, maintain the body you want etc without hard work. It has nothing to do with anyone else, just "middle age" and the loss of immortality creeping up on you! And he is doing something about it, kudos. Why do you resent him doing something that he enjoys that barely affects you at all?

LaurieFairyCake · 08/01/2015 12:36

If he's fucking him thats a problem.

Paying for training, not so much if you both have equal access to spends

wheresthebeach · 08/01/2015 12:37

I think it's a good thing he's going. I expect my DH to support my exercise routines; not complain about it.

Think there is a communication issue tho'.

AnyFucker · 08/01/2015 12:38

I wouldn't be impressed with the lying nor if he is disappearing to the gym to avoid family shitwork. ...but not otherwise seeing a problem here

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2015 12:38

I think you need to have a bit of a reality check the pair of you about income, outgoings, what is reasonable and what is 'extravagant'. No he shouldn't have lied but the environment you appear to have created is one where you regarded £20/fortnight as lavish expenditure.... and I'm not sure that has encouraged honesty.

Do you each have money to spend on yourselves? Do you set aside a notional amount with which to be frivolous? Or does all the money get carefully accounted for, spent wisely or squirreled away? Could you ... in short.... afford to unbend a little?

fuzzpig · 08/01/2015 12:43

Could you not reach a compromise where he sees the PT once a week instead of twice?

Cedar03 · 08/01/2015 12:44

Its quite common these days for people to use personal trainers - not just the rich and famous.
And most exercise programmes will recommend that you need to do it 3 times a week to get the real benefit.
The lying would bother me but then I have told my H that a pair of shoes were from the back of the wardrobe and not brand new because I knew he'd disapprove (and we can afford it). So I can see why if you disapprove he chose to lie.
Why does it bother you that he exercises?

fuzzpig · 08/01/2015 12:46

And you should figure out a personal budget each I think, it's up to him what he does with it but it needs to be an amount that you can afford to both spend without impacting on lifestyle in general.

FinallyHere · 08/01/2015 13:19

I'm neither rich nor famous, but my extravagances are twice weekly one to one sessions in different areas, so comparable to personal training. As others have said, why not, there are many worse things on which to spend your money.

These are funded from my money, which is what i have left over after i have paid my contribution to the household account which is used for all joint expenditure: utilities, food, saving, household stuff generally. If we have major expenses, we each add whatever additional funds are required to that account.

Anything left over we can use for whatever gladdens our respective heart.

Re lies: it has taken me a while to be honest with my partner and not resort to the white lies my mother employed to cover her extravagances and which i used with a previous, long term partner. It took DH saying 'why are you bothering to lie, I've never complained' to realise how I previously felt not really entitled to my own choices on spending, that i needed their approval. Its good to be in a relationship where you don't need to lie, but it takes something to build that kind of relationship.

I wholly recommend it to you. HTH.

HootyMcTooty · 08/01/2015 13:37

I think I'd need to see a PT at least twice a week if I wanted to stay motivated to exercise regularly - some of us aren't great at self motivation.

The lies aren't good, but if he can afford it and he's pulling his weight in other ways, I'd say let him have his hobby.

GobblersKnob · 08/01/2015 13:45

Money spent on exercise is always money well spent imo.

Original poster
middleagewoe · 08/01/2015 14:01

wow ! quick responses thanks.

He did not think I disapproved of the £20 a fortnight plus gym membership. I had on several occasions asked him if it was more regular and more ££ as it's central London and I suspected the cost was higher (as my sister was going to similar). He said not. It is - much more.

The only negative comments i had made about his regime is that as he gets up so early, he goes to bed v early, meaning we have no time alone, which has definitely impacted our r'ship. He brings a lot of work home as well. Our sex life has pretty much died as our children are teens and up late and even if they are out of the house he is too tired. He is not an affectionate sort nor a talker and avoids any difficult conversation so I barely broach this with him, so I've hardly created an emotive atmosphere. There has been the odd other white lie, nothing major.

I am glad I have got some perspective here, I hadn't discussed it with him yet as I was not sure that having a trainer x2 a week is a) usual for anyone but the super wealthy b) a little bit extravagant when we pretty much spend all our savings. I do not see his statements so have no idea what he earns/spends, I am thankful we have enough to live a comfortable life. But I do know we could not afford for me to also do and the kids to have that sort of budget as well.

He says he would not be motivated to go or train as hard if he didn't have the trainer there twice a week - well who wouldn't?! My midlife crisis comment agreed is a bit off (haven't said this to him) but stems from the fact that the focus seems to have shifted from simply being fit and enjoying exercise (he has no need to lose pounds) to building a sculpted body - lots of magazines, diet, supplements etc, always on exercise websites.

Thank you for comments, I will re read and take on board.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2015 14:08

You have no idea what he earns or spends? Surely that's basic? How long have you been married?

intlmanofmystery · 08/01/2015 14:14

Huh? Confused. How can you know whether its affordable or not when you say you have no visibility of income/out-goings? Not sure what the issue is here - the money (or your perceptions of how it should be spent) or the fact you don't like him exercising and wanting to "sculpt" his own body?

GallicShrug · 08/01/2015 14:14

I would say a marriage involving long-term lies, attempts to control one another's choices, diminishing time together and dramatically reduced sex is having a mid-life crisis. This doesn't make it his 'fault'. It feels rather as if you're both avoiding the issues in your separate ways. This might be okay - things might level off again after several months - or it might not.

Exercise can be an addiction (I had it, before I turned into a worn-out blob) which is very easily disguised in our time of wild approval for body-beautifying efforts. I think you need to give all of this some deeper consideration than you have to date.

On the spending itself: how much do you spend on hair/nails, botox, undies, shoes, or whatever your feelgood things are? Might turn out to be comparable.