midlife crisis or wholly reasonable ?

[middleagewoe]

firstly - quick and bad n/change !

pls help me decide, I don't want to confide too much in r/l friends in case i am not seeing clearly and don't want to taint their view of DH unfairly

found out my dh has been less than honest about how much he is spending on a personal trainer. He has admitted during the year (when asked) that he sees one whilst at the gym but said it was infrequent and only £20 every fortnight. He knows i thought it was a bit extravagant and also knows that I think he is killing himself getting up at 530 3x a week to go gym before work. He claims it helps relieve the stress.

So about a year on I find out (after confronting him and him denying it but my having proof) that he is seeing him x2 a week and paying considerably more - he says he has told the 'white lie' as knows I am 'prickly' about his exercise regime.

Background - we can afford it, but I would rather save that money. We are not saving £££ every month but live a comfortable life. He rightly points out he has no other extravagances.

But I am not convinced anyone needs to see a personal trainer twice a week to motivate them and get them to train hard/relieve stress. Surely we are talking celebrity lifestyle here ! He is trying to make me feel guilty/drop it, as his stock response is 'but this is what keeps me sane in my high pressure job'. I wonder if there is some sort of midlife crisis at work here - he is definitely trying to build muscle not just keep fit.

The dishonesty aside - opinions gratefully received ......

"He rightly points out he has no other extravagances"

But now that you say you don't know what he earns or spends, how do you know this is correct?

we pretty much spend all our savings. I do not see his statements so have no idea what he earns/spends

Oh. Has this always been the case? Where does the money in your personal account come from?

wiw, explains a lot.

I can't recommend enough having separate personal accounts and halving disposable income after bills have been paid.

As for being too tired for sez due to exercise, I don't agree with that either.

When I took up exercise it gave me more energy, not less.

lying - bad
PT twice a week - luxury if you can't afford it
but what if his hobby was for instance sailing or parachuting?
He would be spending just as much per year

this may be his way of coping with stress and fear of growing old

So is it just the money you're pissed of about?

Money qs:
He puts a set amount into a joint account for all outgoings, then whatever left from salary he has in his account to spend on whatever and puts any surplus unspent into savings account - which I do see. We rarely build up the savings (go on a holiday/xmas/car service etc)

I do not know the amount he still has in account. His earnings are variable every month with commission and bonuses.

What I am most concerned about:

• need to lie when I have on several occasions asked about cost, often in a 'yes realllllly?' tone when he said '£20 every now and then'

• I know that it isn't easily affordable in the context of what else we can/cannot afford to do. We are talking just under £5k a year. I couldn't dream of spending that much money on hair nails etc. On my salary not an option.

I have never said I do not like him exercising. Yes I do think it has impacted our relationship as he is soo tired from early starts, but still I would not begrudge the man who works hard. He knows I appreciate him working hard and even though I work 4 days a week I do everything else in the house and see to all the kids stuff as a matter of course. A few times I have commented that there is little time left for me and the kids after work/exercise, as he runs on weekends as well.

I know little about personal training and wanted to gain some perspective as to whether twice a week is typical. Plus in his words ' I know it is expensive but I need the trainer twice a week to motivate me and to help me deal with high pressure and stress at work'. The implicit line is 'I'm the main breadwinner and for me it is a necessity not a luxury' If a necessity, isn't running 5 x a week and gym 3x a week doing the job? I struggle to see that concentrating on developing big pecs and biceps is a necessity to help discharge stress, because that does seem to me to be the focus with the trainer and at home. Ipad open at 'how to build bigger biceps page'.

Maybe I just need to get the bug. Maybe I just don't get it and if I did I would value it differently.

With respect, I don't think this is really about personal training. The difference between £20 here and there and £5,000 a year is not just a little fib. It's a whopper. It's also a whopper that reveals he is squirreling way much more than you realised.

I think the 'bug' you need to get is the insistence that you now have full disclosure of all the accounts, all credit card bills, all payslips and so forth. This is family money, you're an equal member of the family and the trust system you've operated up to now simply is no longer fit for purpose.

He probably lied about the cost because he knew you'd react like this. It sounds really controlling on your part. My xh used to do this kind of thing about any decision I wanted to make andvthat is one reason why he is an XH. Leave the poor guy alone.

actually i haven't reacted at all yet - came on here before discussing with him at all...to get some perspective and advice

i found out that it was more frequent than once a fortnight as he accidentally added his imsg to my account and I got txts about the dates and thanking the trainer for helping him turns his guns into cannons (arms). I did not say anything to him, simply put a post it next to his phone in the am explaining what had happened and put 'very honest'

For two days he came home and said nothing, acted like nothing had happened. I then emailed him yesterday saying that I wanted to see his bank account as I know he has been dishonest and wanted to know the extent of the dishonesty. I kept the email neutral. He ignored the email as well, but has texted me to say 'sometimes it is hard to say sorry' and why he needs the pt and that I can look at his online statements.

We haven't discussed at all, only via text and email and I have been very non confrontational as I myself doubted whether my initial reaction about both the amount and the dishonesty was fair.

'I struggle to see that concentrating on developing big pecs and biceps is a necessity to help discharge stress, because that does seem to me to be the focus with the trainer and at home.'

It's because it's a challenge. It's something else to focus on rather than work. It's something that he wants to do that makes him happy.

Gym 3x per week plus running is not excessive, especially for a middle aged man who wants to get/keep in shape - it's hard work!
It can get addictive, but not often in a bad way I don't think.
Are you sure the money is all going on a PT and not for example, steroids?
I always think separate accounts is a bad idea, but people disagree.
If you have the same account this never becomes an issue because if you want to spend something significant you have to check with your partner if they're ok with it and vice versa.

The difference between £20 here and there and £5,000 a year is not just a little fib. It's a whopper.

Agreed. It's certainly not a 'white lie'.

OP: you're working almost full time and you're responsible for the house and the children as well. His fitness habit is not simply financially selfish, he's also prioritising it over your relationship and your family's needs.

I don't see why he couldn't make do with the PTs at a good gym.

How stressful is his job really? My husband's is super-stressful, and he's quite happy with regular gym visits.

Nothing to do with whether the gym or the PT sessions are reasonable, everything to do with the tenfold difference between what he says he is spending (£20 a fortnight = £520/yr) and what he is actually spending (£5k) and the lack of transparency in your financial arrangements.

If you both had an equal share of disposable income placed into your own personal accounts, there's no need to ever justify spending habits.

I take it you don't have equal spending power to him? That's the real issue here, not transparency of his account.

In reality he should be transferring a fixed amount to savings each mth then the balance you both have left is split equally so that you both can have hobbies.

The £20 pt is irrelevant. A football season ticket or golf club membership can cost £'000s. It is the fact you don't know what he earns or how much he has left to spend on himself. You need to urgent sort this out before you sort out the gym etc. It is 2015 - I csnnot believe that some women still don't know what their partners earn. Women must take an interest in the finances of the house.

I think you need to sit down and have a frank discussion with him.

His "need" for fitness does not overrule his responsibility to be part of his family. There are so many compromises here it's unreal.

Why not say that you will fully support is fitness thing, but at the same time, he has to find a balance between pursuing his sports, and being part of the family. It is frankly selfish of him to leave you to do everything around the house, and basically abandon you to go off and do sport. If he has time for one, then he has time for the other.

Rather than him spending 5k a year on a personal trainer, it would make more sense for him to see a trainer once a week (depending on cost) and then for him to supplement that with a training programme he can do at home, like P90X (which is around £100 which lasts forever).

Also, if he is allowed to take time out to relax, then so you are. So whilst you are looking after things whilst he is off and about, you will expect him to do the same to give YOU some time to relax. Whether you join a book club, or go out with friends once a week or whatever.

You also need to pull him up on his blatant lying over the finances. That isn't on. Keep his passwords and tell him that from now on, you want total transparency over finances.

It wouldn't be right, for example, for him to be putting £500 in the common account, and then keeping £2k for his own personal spending each month, if you are putting a disproportionate amount of your salary into the shared finances.

I know I have to take more active role in finances, we do have a very different attitude to spending so we need to come to some agreement. I would like to save something for the kids for uni, he is of the 'work hard got it spend it' opinion. His parents never helped him financially, mine did and I would like to do the same.

Many opinions on here suggest I am ungenerous in feeling miffed at how much time and money he is spending on exercise. Yes in all honesty I probably am - as the bottom line is that between work and exercise there is often nothing of him left. And now it means next to no spare £ left at the end of the month either. I have suggested on numerous occasions he take a step down as we'd trade money for time with kids and me, but he does not want to, he enjoys his work and never complains about hours or stress (except now in the context of needing a PT). Perception of a stressful job is prob relative - his is people responsibility and targets.

Whatever it comes down to, he says he needs this to cope with his job and therefore, to him, it's non negotiable, his short texted sort of apology for not being honest about time and cost added 'I plan to see x once or twice a week in 2015'.

Honestly, I think the posters suggesting you're 'ungenerous' have taken your issue at face value whereas the real problem is the increasingly apparent inequality in your marriage.

It could have been any other personal spending choice: it just happens to have been a gym thing.

He sounds terribly dismissive of you, what with your being all cautious about approaching the question and his ignoring your email! How confident do you feel about saying you, as a family, need to restructure your finances and his working with you to redress the imbalance?

He sounds passive aggressive. As long as he's getting his own way and not having to have uncomfortable conversations he's fine. When you put him on the spot he agrees to whatever you request and doesn't follow through.

I train 6 times a week and have an online personal train but as it stands I can motivate myself enough not to need someone barking at me....3 is too little but perfect for stress relief. Obsessed?Hardly... Dedicated..definitely but why wouldn't I be when I put it as a high priority. I consider it a hobby I am very passionate about. I feel great and energetic.
I suspect its the lying that bothers you and not the actual gym. I think its brill he's investing in his health but you need to speak to him about making a bit more of an effort with you..you don't ask you dont get.

"he says he needs this to cope with his job and therefore, to him, it's non negotiable"

It's not the worthiness of the specific item he is spending money on that is in question (although where does health stop and vanity start?), it is the principle at stake i.e financial decisions involving significant amounts of money are not treated as an equal responsibility. There has been no discussion. That is wrong.

OP, I think you need to speak to him about this and should have done straight away. Sending "neutral" emails and leaving post-it notes next to his phone , not addressing it directly with him and then him sending vague texts about it being hard to say sorry etc. all sounds a bit odd to me.

Whilst I can see that you maybe weren't sure whether the PT twice a week was normal/usual and wanted to get other perspectives about that before challenging him, it's another thing entirely to say that you doubted whether your initial reaction to his dishonesty was "fair".

I think to most married couples honesty in the relationship is critical to it functioning well. Why is it that you question whether you are being fair to him in challenging what you know is dishonesty on his part? In fact, more fundamentally, why have you thought it acceptable for you not to know what he earns (does he know what you earn?)?

I think getting to the bottom of those questions should be your priority rather than whether the amount of time he spends exercising or amount of money he spends on it is excessive - though those questions will obviously need to be addressed at some point too. But only once financial cards are on the table and you have got the full picture.

My husband is 60 this year. He gets up at 5am 3 or 4 days a week to go swimming, does spin classes, yoga and weights in gym after work 3 evenings a week and goes to bed before me. It doesn't cost much because he has sports centre membership. I'm pleased he does all this exercise because he is very fit and well, has a fantastic body and is less likely t keel over before we get to enjoy retirement in another 5 years time. OP I would have thought that now your DH has established his exercise habits he could cut down on the personal trainer a bit.

Do you know what he earns after tax and what he is putting into personal (eg pension) and joint savings? If not then you should. If he won't share the info, you could snoop! And why won't he? Probably because he's more than happy with the current arrangements.

It sounds like he is spending a lot of money and time on himself, and that you think other things (like seeing each other and DC, fairly sharing domestic work and helping DC through higher education) should also be a priority. Yanbu!

I have a stressful job and try hard to exercise. would love a PT, but for him argue that it's essential when there are so many cheaper and less time consuming ways to exercise is ridiculous.

"for him argue that it's essential "

Only after being caught out you notice..... There was not even an attempt to argue that the spending was essential to begin with. It was quietly hushed up, the OP was fobbed off with this blatant lie of '£20 here and there' and, for all she knows, there are lots of other little luxurious essentials that he treats himself to because he is stalling about bank statements. Meanwhile the family have no savings, there's no college fund for the DCs, no safety-net in case of emergencies and no openness around finances. ....