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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Snooping is always a bad idea isn't it?

27 replies

SnoopySnooper · 03/01/2015 22:06

I know, I know Facebook drama is tedious. I'm not sure where the urge comes from that makes me think it's a good idea to occasionally browse DP's exes Facebook pages, pure nosiness I guess. I'm at home alone tonight and did it for the first time in more than a year, amongst generally having a bit of a Facebook nose of other old friends/exes of my own. I landed up on his most recent ex girlfriends profile and noticed he'd liked and commented on a New Year's Eve picture of her that just said 'Jesus.' I guess in a 'god you look great!' Kind of way. I'm surprised by how rubbish it's made me feel actually, and just wanted feedback if it would bother other people? Or I'm being an idiot twice over for snooping and being hurt by it.

OP posts:
BadKatie · 03/01/2015 22:18

I dunno. I think knowledge is power.

SoMuchToBits · 03/01/2015 22:23

I was never a snooper. Until last year, when I suddenly had reason to think my h was having an affair, but I had no evidence. At this point I looked at his phone text messages (something I normally would never have thought of doing). He was having an affair and still is. My life has changed completely, I'm moving next Friday. Sometimes you need to snoop.

Original poster
SnoopySnooper · 03/01/2015 22:25

I guess that's true, I just don't know if I wanted to know. I don't think he's been in contact with her up to this message, but I know it's always been her that's more into him so I'd imagine she's open to communication now.

OP posts:
hotblacktea · 03/01/2015 22:28

so your dp is commenting on his ex gf appearance on facebook, behind your back ? yes it would absolutely bother me, forget about snooping, this is something you must discuss and tell him it's hurtful and disrespectful

RandomNPC · 03/01/2015 22:28

Snooping has never brought me anything good; it's only ever been painful. My ex blocked me on Facebook at my request, purely to give me peace of mind.

CurlyWurlyCake · 03/01/2015 22:29

You say you are looking at his and your exes profiles? Do you comment on your exes photos? How would your partner feel if you did?

I would want to know why he felt the need to look and comment because it would hurt my feelings if my DH did it.

Original poster
SnoopySnooper · 03/01/2015 22:31

Yep, that's the gist of it hotblack.

It's surprised me how hurt I am, because I think I'm pretty open to the fact that just being in a relationship doesn't make you find everyone else unattractive. But the idea of it being an ex and the emotional baggage there has added meaning to it I guess.

OP posts:
GilbertBlytheWouldGiftIt · 03/01/2015 22:31

FB is public, I get comments people on my friend list have made, come up on my feed. So he's made that comment and there's every chance "Joe Bloggs Commented on Sally Gunnell's Photo" came up on the right hand side of your screen, you didn't need to be snooping on her account to see it.

I don't think it's appropriate to be posting that kind of comment on an exes photo.

RandomNPC · 03/01/2015 22:32

Just read and understood the OP properly; it'd bother me too

MiniTheMinx · 03/01/2015 22:32

DP and I are not even friends on facebook, we don't need to "friend up" we live under the same roof Confused

Sometimes snooping is necessary though. If I had doubts over something I guess I would be like a dog with a bone. Intuition is a wonderful thing but cold hard facts are better.

GilbertBlytheWouldGiftIt · 03/01/2015 22:33

I'm not sure I'd discuss it with him, but it'd colour my view of him.

Original poster
SnoopySnooper · 03/01/2015 22:33

I'm one of those people who isn't actually 'on' Facebook, I just set up an account to see holiday pictures of a holiday I'd taken with some girlfriends and every now and again when I'm bored decide to have a browse at friends etc, but don't actually have an active profile. In a totally non weirdo way I swear!Confused

OP posts:
TallulahTwinkletoes · 03/01/2015 22:35

Could it have been 'Jesus, there in the background' or 'Jesus, that reminds me of that joke wehad and if I just comment Jesus, it'll make sense' or 'Jesus, you're embarrassing yourself'? Seems odd that he'd so openly comment that he liked her appearance.

Do you know his password? I'd be checking messages between them.

Original poster
SnoopySnooper · 03/01/2015 22:38

It was a really good picture of her, so had lots of likes and there were some other comments from friends of hers saying how stunning she looked, and she did.

I've been friends with my DP for about 10 years, relationship for 4. He was always pretty open about their relationship that she was a great girl, but he wasn't totally attracted to her, and that being why they never really made a go of it. She looks a lot more attractive to him now I suppose.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 03/01/2015 22:39

Snooping has reassured me over the years so I don't feel the need to anymore and feel secure. So no, I don't think its always a bad thing.

ChristinaMatthews · 03/01/2015 22:45

I'm not 'on' FB either but occasionally use it for snooping purposes. Looked up my XP recently which led me to his new partner which upset me for some reason. So some snooping isn't advisable, but I think if anyone suspects their partner of having an affair, its a sensible way forward.

Original poster
SnoopySnooper · 03/01/2015 22:52

I considered hacking into his email and then thought I was being an idiot. I'd so love to read his messages, but I really don't want to go down that route, and I'd only drive myself crazy trying to go about it.

It's such a horrid feeling that you are being made a fool of.

OP posts:
FelicityGubbins · 03/01/2015 22:56

I would probably make a passive aggressive comment to him along the lines of "I saw 'ExGF' NYE photo and I thought jesus as well , she must have had a photoshop expert work on it, she actually looked attractive..."

I'm a bitch at times though!

Edenviolet · 03/01/2015 22:57

This is why my dh isn't on fb. It would drive me mad and I'd always be checking it/snooping

Charley50 · 03/01/2015 23:00

Don't worry.

suspiciousandsad · 03/01/2015 23:09

Snooping is fine if you are prepared to deal with what, if anything, you find out.

Ex-DH was so secretive, told me nothing about his life away from our home, so I snooped. Never disappointed. To be fair I didn't really need to, he sent a text to me meant for someone else. Seems to be that the cheaters often let you know without the need to go searching.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/01/2015 23:14

Oh, I don't have a problem with snooping. Not at all. As long as you are prepared for what you might find and what you can do about it without getting a load of shite off the snoop-ee for poking around.

I snooped in my kid's things when they were teens. I was able to stop a lot of shenanigans based on what I found without them ever knowing. And when to have the contraception talk with them.

I've never felt the need to snoop on DH, though. But then again my BFF is friends with him on FB so she can do the snooping for me! LOL

SaucyJack · 03/01/2015 23:15

What made you snoop? Do you have a spidey sense that she's unfinished business in some way?

Original poster
SnoopySnooper · 03/01/2015 23:20

It genuinely wasn't a spidey sense kind of snoop, I just typed the first letters into the search box wanting to see a friend of mines christmas pictures, and in the drop down box she popped up so I just clicked on it as an impulse thing and was surprised to see that comment there, it stopped me in my tracks a little.

I'm not sure if that's made me feel worse, that i haven't suspected anything as being wrong in the last few day. Sort of like retracing my steps and making me feel a little cross in a 'oh so he sent a lovely message to me right after drooling over his ex huh?' Does that make sense?

OP posts:
FelicityGubbins · 03/01/2015 23:35

Has he commented on any other of her posts?
Tbh is there a particular reason why you can't just ask him what his comment was about? and be honest about how it felt rather disrespectful and has made you feel uneasy?