Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH just broke his hand arguing

46 replies

bigblackhole · 03/01/2015 02:35

Just need to distract myself I can't go to A&E I've to stay here with 3DC (6mo, 2 and 5).

Feel fucking appalled at us and ashamed. His BIL just picked him up.

OP posts:
RandomNPC · 03/01/2015 02:37

How did that happen?

VinoTime · 03/01/2015 02:38

What happened OP?

Original poster
bigblackhole · 03/01/2015 02:49

He punched the wardrobe, he's never hit me I'm safe promise.

We have had a rough year. Very very bad with poor little unplanned DC3 arriving in the middle. He's depressed I'm sure of it seemed to be better but I've recently found everything too dark and too hard.

Had a lovely break over Xmas seemed like "us" again but 5 hours back here and we go from me trying to tell him how something made me feel down again to him gettinf defensive to eventually me losing it shouting then feeling guilty and slapping myself and him punching the wardrobe. WTF we are a normal couple. We were happy how did i get to a stage my DH is curled on the floor crying with a smashed hand?

I'm so scared it's seriously damaged and yet another thing to destroy us.

OP posts:
justjodie92 · 03/01/2015 02:53

Hope you're okay

cottageinthecountry · 03/01/2015 02:54

Has he ever done anything like this before? Does he get angry a lot?

CinnabarRed · 03/01/2015 03:01

He's being cared for now, forget about him just for the time being. (From what you've posted so far it sounds like a one-off incident; if it's any more frequent then we can re-evaluate the forgetting-about-him-for-now bit,)

How about you? Are you getting help for your depression? I'm a bit concerned about you slapping yourself, are you in danger of self-harming?

Do try to get some rest if you can - even lying down in bed will do some good, if you can't sleep.

Original poster
bigblackhole · 03/01/2015 03:03

He once jumped up and down on all my Christmas decs the wanker does that count? It was over 12yrs ago though. Sorry attempt at humour.

He has a temper so do I, I tend to turn it at myself, he's learnt to walk away. We've been together 20 years. This is the first time in a long time we've lost it. Just feel broken by it all and so so guiltymy lovely DH is such a mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
bigblackhole · 03/01/2015 03:09

I haven't spoken to anyone Cinnabar I hadn't realised that how I feel isn't normal. I'm functioning for the kids.

But just been home to my mum's for 2 weeks and felt genuine happiness for a few days of it with DH. If I can feel that flash of happiness as a glimpse into who we used to be I can't be depressed though can I? It's situational?

I do pinch or hit myself in an argument if I want to take it all back or it becomes too much but I'm not sat hurting myself regularly or anything.

Fuck that sounds bad.

OP posts:
cottageinthecountry · 03/01/2015 03:21

I think you're right that it's situational. You are happy at your Mum's because the dynamic of the stressful relationship is broken for a while.

When did you first get together - how old were you?

CinnabarRed · 03/01/2015 03:26

Slapping and pinching yourself to take back an argument doesn't sound great, no Sad

I really have to go to sleep now - but I had killer PND and felt much as you do - glimpses of normality and happiness. For me, ADs made a huge difference, and very quickly too - I went from suicidal to stable in about a week. I was lucky that I was prescribed the right one for me first go.

I was horrible to live with. Again, I was lucky that DH wasn't depressed and that everything else in our lives was OK. He could cope with me and the DSs. I don't know what would have happened if he hadn't been able to hold us all up.

Yes, having young children is hard so in that sense your feelings are situational - but don't discount the fact that there may be other issues too and, even if there aren't, there are ways to make the situation more manageable (of which ADs are just one). Do talk to your GP - and be completely honest about how you're feeling.

Original poster
bigblackhole · 03/01/2015 03:29

We were 18. Been happy, normal ups and downs but happy since then both 38 now. But we opened a business with someone we trusted and lost everything including DHs supposed best friend the day DC3 was born and in the NICU with an infection for a week. It had been an emotional rollercoaster before that as things went downhill and after things emotional and financial just keep coming and coming its fucking endless. He's been broken as a person and I can't be the one who perks everyone up anymore. Our sexlife is dead. I feel fat and ugly and old and so very tired. And he thinks he's useless and paranoid and everyone believes that too.

Everytime we try and pull ourselves round something happens and now this.

His dsis just sent me a message he's going to need surgery. I've broken something we can't ever make normal again and he can't work. Oh my god.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 03/01/2015 03:34

That sounds really, really hard. I'm very sorry.

One other point I wanted to make - our physical and mental health are all intertwined with our situation in life (it's been demonstrated scientifically that our brain functions, hormones and physical responses are completely linked). So a bad situation can affect your physical brain function and your mental health - one can be "proper" depressed with the trigger being your situation (as opposed to miserable about your situation, IYSWIM).

Please, get some sleep, then get yourself to the GP come Monday.

cottageinthecountry · 03/01/2015 03:35

It's quite possible that you are just not compatible as a couple, deep down. At 18 we don't know who we are but we can be very adaptable and capable. It might be that the cracks are only just showing, after you both coping for years in a relationship built on hope and optimism.

When you're in a relationship for a long time some really bad habits and behaviours can set in - the way you communicate, what your expectations are etc can become ingrained.

I guess you have to go to couples counselling so that you can both work through these things.

Why do you say you broke something that can't be fixed?

Original poster
bigblackhole · 03/01/2015 03:39

His hand, he's going to have to have wires. Wires in his hand for the rest of his life because I got moody he went out and left me with the kids again.

Hes just started a new job. They are saying 6-8 weeks off. They'll never keep him on. We are now absolutely fucked. We can't afford this we have no money. I feel sick. What a stupid stupid stupid thing to do.

I feel cursed. Honest to god.

OP posts:
Original poster
bigblackhole · 03/01/2015 03:41

My little girl is going to be all bouncy and cute in the morning and asking what happened and we are going to have cyo lie to her. I feel sick.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 03/01/2015 03:45

Hang on - you didn't break it, he did. Don't take on blame that isn't yours.

Can you go back to your mum's for a bit?

nooka · 03/01/2015 03:49

OP you really need to stop blaming yourself for your dh's actions. He is the one that decided to punch the wardrobe and seriously injure his hand. Not you. It obviously has shitty consequences for both of you, but it is not your fault.

Is counseling an option? I agree that sometimes relationships can pick up some really bad dynamics over time especially perhaps when you do a lot of growing up together (dh and I got together at a similar age).

cottageinthecountry · 03/01/2015 03:50

Has he ever told you that he gets angry because you are 'moody'?

What form does your moodiness take, it is that you just want to offload or are you having a go at him?

trackrBird · 03/01/2015 03:51

Try to get some sleep, bigblack.
This didn't happen because you got moody. He decided to thump a piece of furniture: this is the result.
You need your all your strength now. Try to rest if you can. It's the best thing you can do for your family right now

Original poster
bigblackhole · 03/01/2015 04:04

He's never said it's my fault. He's called and said he was stupid. I feel it's my fault I know he's depressed. I know he didn't purposely mean to upset me.

But on the flipside no. I didn't have a go at him. I said nothing. He asked and asked so I said "I'll tell you but I'm not blaming you and I don't want a row. Then that I felt when we had such a lovely break and we're going to finish it on an evening together at home when he then went out for 3 hours leaving me to do 3 DCs bedtime with no food in the house (they had eaten) and gone to see someone linked to all the crap that is dragging us down he should understand that it would take me straight back to the point i was before i left. It could have waited.

He got defensive. We stopped speaking. I couldn't sleep and went downstairs. He followed being grumpy and slamming stuff. I said it was unfair i wasn't angry or anything outward/against him i was feeling weak and down. He said i didn't make sense and then I stopped trying to be reasonable and so off we went. Idiots.

I can't go back to mums DC1 needs to be in school Monday they live 4 hours away. I've got her best friends party tomorrow need to play at being happy from when they wake up to when they sleep hurrah.

OP posts:
Original poster
bigblackhole · 03/01/2015 04:12

I am moody i guess but even when I'm not he assumes I am which then makes me fucking moody.

But then I assume he's fake happy because I know he won't tell me how he's really feeling because he doesn't want to get me more down.

Arghhhhh

I think we need help.

OP posts:
cottageinthecountry · 03/01/2015 04:23

Thanks for sharing, I shall respond properly tomorrow when my head's a bit clearer. Sounds like you've both got yourselves into a rut of some kind. The only advice I can give right now is for you to not engage with him when his behaviour is bad or you feel he is ignoring you. For now, just to keep the peace. Try and think of him as a separate person that's of no particular importance to you when you feel it starting up.

Get some sleep x

FreeSpirit89 · 03/01/2015 06:49

You didn't do anything to make this situation, you first need to accept that.

He's going to be in hospital for awhile, gives you some time to have some headspace. Is he taking anti D's? Maybe try something like relate together.

It's hard when you are in a situation with the emotions, so try and remove yourself from it. Re red your post as if it's a message from a friend, of a stranger. What would you say to her?

You would tell her dh breaking his hand isn't her fault. Life is hard, it's ok to be kind to yourself.

Try and get some sleep

Inertia · 03/01/2015 08:11

He did this. It isn't your fault. He chose to punch a wardrobe in temper.

Is he eligible for any kind of sick pay?

gamerchick · 03/01/2015 08:19

In all of this don't either of you think about what your kids are being forced to grow up in?

Why are you doing that?

You hitting yourself, him hitting stuff and breaking bones! That isn't normal. Do yourselves and your kids a favour and split up.